The terms of divorce she put into the petition were really half-baked and very unspecific. It's consistent with her inability to really think complex issues/scenarios through. She just has to plunge right into it. The parenting plan assumed we were going to be highly interactive, and simultaneously assumed we would just work out holidays and vacations on the fly...The ownership of our house is a little complex, for reasons I don't want to get into here. I will say that odds are fair to good that in the long run it will likely have to be sold.
So you have 30 days to respond. In those 30 days you'll give her your counter, which will be based more in reality, better thought-through, and likely scary or provoking to your W. This may wake her up. In her foggy dream state she thinks you'll just take her petition and agree to it. She'll land on her feet some magical way and life will be good. When reality starts creeping in, as with your response, perhaps the tension will awaken her. Or it may make her spew. Who knows. But as 11th hour as it seems (especially with the house -- you won't be selling it immediately even after agreeing to the D), you have some time. Keep being steady, smart, calm, and brave. Not giving you false hope, but you may see some movement in your wife during this time.
And on the other hand, don't be afraid of not finding love again. That's where your DB efforts will pay off. Someone in her right mind will notice, if it doesn't work out with your W.
The parenting plan assumed we were going to be highly interactive, and simultaneously assumed we would just work out holidays and vacations on the fly. I don't think she understands that I don't want us to parent like we're still married or we're best buddies. I need a clean delineation.
FG--I'm interested in what your thinking on this topic. As you know, my W and I are discussing exactly what your W proposed--something much more fluid and interactive. Why won't that work for you (not trying to talk you out of it, but trying to learn from your situation)? What will work for you? How do you want to parent? What does clean delineation mean to you?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
G-- thanks for asking. Here's my thinking. I'm not dead set on it and am open to re-evaluating and reconsidering.
It's been a long, painful road for me. I want to be emotionally healthy again. I want to heal from the divorce. I want to move forward with my life. I don't want to wait around for emotional scraps from my wife. An MLC can go on for years, if not decades, and in my opinion my W's MLC is intensified by her lifelong personality issues, so I have little hope that she will change her mind somehow. And, for what it's worth, she's expressed that we're not a good fit. I don't think I'd be a good model to my kids to sit around hurting while my wife is seeking her happiness. And I know I'd be hurting if I sat around wanting, hoping.
If I were to have lots of interactions with her -- many small exchanges or a few long exchanges or both -- that would just prolong my recovery from this divorce. I don't want to see her new life. I don't want to see her new boyfriend(s). I don't want to hear about it, I don't want to see traces of it by being forced to go inside the house. I threw my whole being into loving her, and into the marriage; now that it's over, I must extract my whole self out, to the extent possible.
It is a balancing act, because, obviously there will have to be some time spent in her presence because of our kids. But for me, emotionally, I think the less interaction I have with her, the faster I will be to a healthier place. Maybe 3-4 years down the road, I will have completely recovered and be buddies with her again. I can't do that now. It just hurts too much.
So, practically, what this means is that I will propose a parenting plan where we do "hand-offs" and otherwise try to coordinate by writing. Of course we can talk if serious issues arise. And I will be OK with each of us attending any/all of our kids' extracurricular activities. But I don't want to go to her home and hang out, nor will I want her to come to my home and hang out.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
G-- thanks for asking. Here's my thinking. I'm not dead set on it and am open to re-evaluating and reconsidering.
It's been a long, painful road for me. I want to be emotionally healthy again. I want to heal from the divorce. I want to move forward with my life. I don't want to wait around for emotional scraps from my wife. An MLC can go on for years, if not decades, and in my opinion my W's MLC is intensified by her lifelong personality issues, so I have little hope that she will change her mind somehow. And, for what it's worth, she's expressed that we're not a good fit. I don't think I'd be a good model to my kids to sit around hurting while my wife is seeking her happiness. And I know I'd be hurting if I sat around wanting, hoping.
If I were to have lots of interactions with her -- many small exchanges or a few long exchanges or both -- that would just prolong my recovery from this divorce. I don't want to see her new life. I don't want to see her new boyfriend(s). I don't want to hear about it, I don't want to see traces of it by being forced to go inside the house. I threw my whole being into loving her, and into the marriage; now that it's over, I must extract my whole self out, to the extent possible.
It is a balancing act, because, obviously there will have to be some time spent in her presence because of our kids. But for me, emotionally, I think the less interaction I have with her, the faster I will be to a healthier place. Maybe 3-4 years down the road, I will have completely recovered and be buddies with her again. I can't do that now. It just hurts too much.
So, practically, what this means is that I will propose a parenting plan where we do "hand-offs" and otherwise try to coordinate by writing. Of course we can talk if serious issues arise. And I will be OK with each of us attending any/all of our kids' extracurricular activities. But I don't want to go to her home and hang out, nor will I want her to come to my home and hang out.
Fg your a very wise man my friend,you deserve better than her anyway she is a silly woman and will probly live to regret all what she has done and lost,one day she will learns their is no such thing as a perfect life,but the clock is ticking to a time when you won't be their it will be to late,you just about put my sitch and exactly how I feel in what you wrote their,I'm not that good at putting things into words as you have probly noticed,,and yes we will get over we have to that's my goal I'm a little further up the road than you but we will get their to a new happy life with or without them,
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
And to be honest I'm too old for this s--- ,what my w has done and is doing
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
Oh Gump, I'm so sorry. I know you have been dreading this.
"Today I found myself thinking about all the ways that she and I don't get along at times; I found myself thinking about how great it would be to be with someone more emotionally generous. I found wondering what it'd feel like to be loved again for who I am. Then I thought about how difficult that is, to find someone who loves you just the way you are."
She's out there. When you're ready. When you're in a better place emotionally, you'll find her. Don't settle for less. Hugs, Gump. There's life after this, I'm sure of it.
M:41 H:43 T:26yrs M:19 yrs S:15 D1:14 D2:9 Living together but separated
It sounds like you have thought a lot about this, more than I have:
***It's been a long, painful road for me. I want to be emotionally healthy again. I want to heal from the divorce. I want to move forward with my life. I don't want to wait around for emotional scraps from my wife.***
Scraps from my wife...that's something for me to chew on (pun intended)...feeding on scraps now...sad...
***An MLC can go on for years, if not decades, and in my opinion my W's MLC is intensified by her lifelong personality issues, so I have little hope that she will change her mind somehow.***
You are realistic...
***And, for what it's worth, she's expressed that we're not a good fit.***
Words, words, words...
***I don't think I'd be a good model to my kids to sit around hurting while my wife is seeking her happiness. And I know I'd be hurting if I sat around wanting, hoping.***
Yes, you can't sit around waiting...your life will go on and you can thrive and be happy..with or without your W (that's what I keep telling myself)...
***If I were to have lots of interactions with her -- many small exchanges or a few long exchanges or both -- that would just prolong my recovery from this divorce.***
You are the best judge of this...
***I don't want to see her new life. I don't want to see her new boyfriend(s). I don't want to hear about it, I don't want to see traces of it by being forced to go inside the house.***
With the kids, isn't it impossible not to see it and hear about it? To me, this is more an issue of detaching...not avoiding it...but I hear you in not wanting your nose pushed into it...
***I threw my whole being into loving her, and into the marriage; now that it's over, I must extract my whole self out, to the extent possible.***
Yes...how does one extract one's whole self out?
***It is a balancing act, because, obviously there will have to be some time spent in her presence because of our kids. But for me, emotionally, I think the less interaction I have with her, the faster I will be to a healthier place. Maybe 3-4 years down the road, I will have completely recovered and be buddies with her again. I can't do that now. It just hurts too much.***
Good for you...to have this self knowledge...I need to work on knowing what will work for me...
***So, practically, what this means is that I will propose a parenting plan where we do "hand-offs" and otherwise try to coordinate by writing. Of course we can talk if serious issues arise. And I will be OK with each of us attending any/all of our kids' extracurricular activities. But I don't want to go to her home and hang out, nor will I want her to come to my home and hang out.***
And that's what your W wants...to still hang out with each other?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I don't think your plan is unreasonable at all. What person would expect you to hang out with her or allow her to laze around in your home? Right now is an excellent time to be firm about your boundaries.
I'm fairly certain her life will not be one of rainbows and candy hearts. It will be difficult and nothing to be jealous or envious of...or one that would make you feel like you've failed. In fact, I know you'll recover faster than you think once you get your bearings after this traumatic experience. It's, from what I gather from your postings here, your steady character that will allow you to prevail. It all sounds like a bunch of words now, but that's the trait the keeps life going...not these flighty whims and lack of grounding that your W exhibits. I just hope she doesn't bring you down with her craziness. You're stronger than her and that.
Hugs. Be slow and deliberate. Don't panic. You'll be just fine. (I know, easier said than experienced.)
