I understand the fear and the hesitation. It took me many months just to start to try and realize that my W is not the same person anymore. You don't want to believe how bad it really is, you want to be positive and think they are just really grumpy, but they are temporarily someone else now.
GALing may not be about making your life better by taking up hobbies and getting back to happiness. GALing just might be about getting back to some peace of mind. Just find something you enjoy to take your mind off of him.
I know it seems like an impossible situation, but it's not. It's just your H is being impossible (and he doesn't see it). You are NOT obligated to follow him down whatever road he's on. Think of you and your S.
Yes, there's lots of fear and crying at first. Then we realize we're repeating ourselves and then we start to walk away from that loop. You're already recognizing the triggers within you. You are going to find out that you are MUCH stronger than you think.
Great advice I received when I first came on here - don't even think of taking it one day at a time. Take it a few hours at a time.
M: 49, W: 45 T: 22 M: 15 S14, S11, S9 BD: Jan '16 W files: Oct '16 D final: June '18
I find myself ruminating too much over losing time with S after D and whether H will hook up with OW after D. Two things I have no control over.
I think I have come to understand why I am concerned about losing time with S, now I have to figure out why I am so concerned about H and OW. What lies beneath? Unfortunately, I don't even know where to begin.
This is something I am working on. I keep asking myself why is it so important to me that H and OW's relationship not work out? Why? I have asked my therapist this question and we have explored the possibility that my obsession with that question is a mere distraction to the other painful issues I am experiencing. While I agree that is certainly a possibility; I can't help but feel there is something deeper. The problem is I don't know how to uncover it. Where do I begin? Any suggestions? Anyone deal with this before and find an answer?
I think H is more reacting to the boundary setting rather than losing time with S. Because the reality is H can adjust his work hours and go in an hour early and leave an hour late. Problem solved. But he doesn't seem to want to do this. From my perspective, if he really wanted the alone time with S, then he could make the adjustment to his schedule. His choice not to adjust his hours speaks volumes to me about what is really the issue in all this.
So, just like an angry, resentful teenager, H is now "retaliating" for my boundary setting. First, he has stopped making me my morning coffee. Lol! (That'll show me, huh?) What a childish and immature reaction. I think someone here predicted this would happen.
Second, he has prepared some divorce papers. (He left them in a folder on our desk.)
I keep thinking of what HeartsBlessing and others have repeatedly said "the marriage is already dead." I won't be losing anything that isn't already lost if he files.
During H's affair he would meet up with OW while doing household errands on the weekend. This weekend, I suspect he met up with her. I have no proof. Just a feeling. Also, this evening he says he has a work meeting and might be late coming home. Uh, it's Valentine's Day, do I look stupid? I suspect he is up to something.
My question is this, since he has gone so far as to prepare papers, and I suspect he is meeting up with OW (don't know for certain), should I set a firm boundary? I told H that my plan was to take S out to dinner. He told me that he would text me and let me know if the meeting runs late, but if it doesn't he would meet up with us. Now, I don't know if there really is a meeting or if he is meeting up with OW. If I tell him "no" and it really was a work-related delay, I imagine it will only create more resentment and just create more justification in his mind for what he is doing. On the other hand, isn't my saying "no" a consequence of the mistrust he has created.
What do you want to set a firm boundary on? Him meeting up w/the OW today? You have absolutely no control over this man. The more you try to set boundaries concerning the ow, the more he's going to go against them. He's not a child, but a grown man and he's going to do what he wants and when he wants. The only person you can control is yourself and how you react to his behavior. Keep this in mind...you do not want to sound like his mother.
As you can see, your H is being passive aggressive by not making you coffee. You will see a lot of this along the way, but I wouldn't let him know that you've noticed it unless it gets really out of hand.
I had to chuckle about the divorce papers and where he left them. Again, passive aggressive behavior. I wouldn't say anything to him about them. The less you say, the better. If he wants you to know about them, he'll raise the issue w/you.
I think your problem is fear. You want to see their relationship fail because you think he'll return to you. There are times when the relationship will end, but that doesn't necessarily mean he'll return to the marriage. Many of them go off and find someone else to be involved with. If he wasn't the ow he's w/now, he would have found someone else. The ow is nothing more than a band aid to his pain. His feelings for her do not run as deep as they did for you. She's just there to stroke his ego and help spend his money doing fun things, etc. You've got to understand that his journey is not about you...but about him and he has to go back and relive his past in order to return to the present as a mature and more settled man.
As we all say around here, when the bomb drops, they are already 18-24 months ahead of us in detachment and the "old" marriage is dead, kaput. We are blindsided too little, too late to do anything to correct the issues in the "old" marriage, so we scramble around, pretzel ourselves, trying to convince them that home is where they want to be and, of course, w/us...but they are too far down in the rabbit hole to listen to us until many years later and sometimes, it's too late because we've already moved on and created new lives for ourselves. Right now, I think you are dealing w/fear of the unknown and what to expect...am I wrong on that assumption?
I would go ahead and take son out to dinner and advise your h where you and your son will be and if he would like to join you, he can meet up w/you there either for dinner or for the dessert.
Please, try to remember that you can't control or fix him. You can only control yourself and be there as the mature, responsible parent to your son.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You are right, I am dealing with the fear of the unknown and what to expect. Definitely. But it is something about H's relationship with this particular OW that has me bothered and I can't figure it out. If he were with anyone else, I wouldn't care. In fact, I know he is messing around with a different OW (who is married) and if he ran off with her, I don't think I would be as bothered about it.
What I resent is his bouncing between her and us. I resent the attitude of, okay, I am done with her now, so I'll spend time with the "family." I would like to put a stop to that, but don't know how. Or maybe I can't and therefore shouldn't?
One way to possibly curtail some of the bouncing back and forth is to not include him in all of your activities w/you and your son. Maybe one of the reasons he's bouncing back and forth is because the ow is busy or tied up w/her own family and he feels lost w/o the attention (and/or distraction) he's getting from her, so his focus is back on his own family for a short period of time.
I think you need to try to focus on you and your son and let the chips fall where they may w/him and the ow. The more you raise the issue w/him the more determined he will be to save/protect/defend the ow.
Sometimes, if you sit quietly, the answers will be revealed to you. Yes, this really does work. Step back, allow his little love interest to fizzle out on it's own.
Keep the focus on you, your son and your life for now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So I have been turning myself inside out and thinking about the things I need to improve about myself. I have a question and was wondering if anyone else has had the same thoughts and how they resolved it.
How do we know if our behavior/reaction/perception is a result of a trigger inside of us or is really something the other person is doing?
For example, I have always felt that H indirectly criticizes me because he is afraid to really tell me what he feels. How do I discern whether he is really criticizing me or if I am just being insecure? In the past, when I have told him that I feel criticized, he insists he isn't. My intuition tells me otherwise.
After reviewing my prior post, perhaps giving an example might be helpful.
Just to give some quick background, not too long ago, S ate three bananas in a 24 hour period and became badly constipated. It was ugly. When I thought about what he had ate that could have contributed to the constipation, I realized it was most likely the bananas. So I told H and we make an effort to limit son's banana consumption.
Fast forward to this morning. H left for work early. When S got up he wanted a banana. He has not had one for over a week. I gave S a banana with his breakfast. H texted later in the morning to ask about S and what he ate. When I told him about the banana he said "hopefully it doesn't stop him up." Keep in mind H is the one who bought the bananas.
Perhaps I am being sensitive, but I take H's comment as a veiled criticism of what I am feeding S.
So far, I have ignored his text. Part of me wants to respond and another could just care less.
Ignore his comment, when in full MLC replay, they are in constant need to find something to criticize about us, we cannot be right on anything, they have that need to poke us constantly.
Mine was a master at finding always something, we are humans, so we are not perfect. But once I realized he was doing it on purpose just to upset me, I stopped reacting to his comments and when I had the opportunity to get back at him, I did it but in a smart way, using his previous comments against him.
Re reading the thread about detaching might help you to distance yourself from that. Best answer to all his comments and constant poking: no comment, ignore him, walk out of the room, get busy in something.That way you are starting to show him that his influence on you is gone. Be ready for him to try even harder for a few days.
You are way too sensitive to his opinions on you. Sorry for the 2'X4' Stop asking him to join you in all the activities you do with your son, that's a way of pursuing him, you are giving him too much importance. It's also can be perceived by him as pressure. Give him space and peace. Make yourself mysterious by not letting know all about your whereabouts, stop letting him controlling you.
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
I am sorry that you are struggling with H's MLC. This point illustrates perfectly how you are not truly detached at all:
Originally Posted By: FightOn
Fast forward to this morning. H left for work early. When S got up he wanted a banana. He has not had one for over a week. I gave S a banana with his breakfast. H texted later in the morning to ask about S and what he ate. When I told him about the banana he said "hopefully it doesn't stop him up." Keep in mind H is the one who bought the bananas.
Bananas!!
Really. It's just bananas over bananas.
Your H's comment was not a criticism at all. Just a general comment that any one of us could make when texting stuff like this. You could also help the situation by injecting humor. A good response would be something like, "Oh my! I hope the school nurse has adequate supply of Pepto Bismol...that should go down relaly well! ;)"
Keep it simple and don't over-analyze every single letter or dot. You're bananas for going bananas over a text about bananas.
