I just happened to be checking your thread for an update and I got to read 2 of them!!
What a huge change in a short time. I hope it's not too awkward for you and your son to have him back at home. I'm sure it's not something he really wanted to do. No offense to you! But who would want to move back home as a grown adult?? I don't think you need to co-parent. I think you need to set up some basic rules and support for your son. Last thing you want is him still living at home with you years from now with no job and no progress.
When my XH was going through his affair, I moved back home with my kids for a short period of time. I had to let my parents know if I was coming home that night and my kids weren't allowed to play outside unsupervised. Those were the rules. I was currently finishing up school at the time, I'm sure there would have been a rule about getting a job if I was still living there after I finished the program.
Anyway, it sounds like you already know this, but I wanted to let you know I think it's real important. Have some talks with him about what his plans/thoughts are. Get some things put into action. Don't let him bum off you. Even if he's doing work around the house, that's a start - laundry, dusting, dishes, etc. It sounds like he could definitely use some counseling.
Back to your other update... I think it's fine to let nature take its course for now. There's no need to rush things if you aren't in a hurry. From what I read about divorce in what I think is your area, you have to live separated for a year before it can be finalized.
I think it's weird that she was in the house for 30 minutes to pick up a package.
Looking forward to hearing how things progress with your son back at home. All's pretty good with me. Baby will be a year next month! I still contemplate posting my story for people to read. Maybe one day.
I think it will be good for you and your son AP to spend some quality time together and as you say you can help him in getting a job and getting his life back on track. Maybe you can give him a few projects to do around the house/garden...
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Westo / Dream / Coly23 - thank you my friends for stopping by.
Dream - She was in the house this time for 30 seconds, not 30 minutes. There was no real need for to actually go in I think but I did mention to her in my email responding to her saying she would drop off my car key that I hadn't bothered changing the house locks. The short duration made me wonder why she bothered. She did spend some longer times in the house when I was away to see D24 for a week, presumably checking to see that she had gotten all of the stuff she wanted. S22 told me a funny story about one of the visits where she mis-placed a cat and called him for advice / help despite him being many miles away and not having lived there for years.
That's exciting that your wee one is almost 1. He(?) should be quite the little bundle of energy. I have a nephew almost the exact same age and when I recently was allowed to look after him for an evening he kept me on the run.
S22 has a lot of unpacking and re-organizing to do over the next few days. He also probably has a lot of hard thinking to do. Last night he made dinner for both of us with minimal prompting (frozen pizza) but he does have a fair sized repertoire. I think / hope that he's matured a lot in the last while. He is a very kind young man who has been on his own now for quite a while. A lot different from the teenager who resented being told what to do I think. I think that one thing that I have learned over the last year as well is patience, to keep my expectations low, and I hope to be able to listen. I hope that he will talk. He wasn't open to that when he was home for Christmas but that was just a visit and at that point he (I presume) didn't know that the split between his parents was permanent and probably didn't want to take sides.
I do still remember though on his birthday 2 years ago him exploding at both his mother and I for "always fighting" - something that I didn't think that we did. It did follow an episode where his mother was being dismissive and talking down to me and I didn't agree. No raised voices and it was a short and polite(ish) exchange. Perhaps the gloom was over the whole family. He was certainly having his own problems then and STBX would have been in the midst of her (suspected) EA at the time even if she might not have thought it was one. I certainly wasn't perfect either being rather gloomy with a tendency to sit in my comfy chair drinking beer. Times have definitely changed from then.
On the other hand a local company is having a hiring fair looking for 30 new people on Wednesday morning. I am absolutely going to offer him a ride.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Well - it's been about a month - time for an update. I'm sitting in my home office today and one of the cats is insisting on holding my hand in her paw so it may take a while to type this out.
S22 has been home for a month now and appears to be settling in ok. I was a bit surprised and also not surprised in that he's seen his mother maybe 3 times this month. Once for dinner a week after he got back, once for Mother's day dinner although earlier in the day he'd mentioned being home for dinner, and once when he needed a ride to go visit a friend in the hospital. He is very depressed but seems to be coming out of it a bit. He had a panic attack just before the job fair and so didn't go and I've seen him have them again at seemingly random times. I don't ask for details. I've suggested that he go in to see a therapist and he's open to that but I don't believe has actually made an appointment. Generally though he's doing well, spending more and more time outside of his room, helping out around the house etc. He's also met some new friends in the village and joined the local penny ante poker game which he has a lot of fun with. I'm disappointed in some ways that his mother doesn't seem to be making time for him but I'm not really surprised.
For me, I've been up and down. It's been weird having S22 home but in some ways good. The house is in pretty good shape and I have the flower beds all set as well as my planters with flowers and vegetables. I've decorated the house up a bit in preparation for the 150th Canada Day coming up on July 1st. I've been keeping up my walks and chat and visit with the neighbours on my walks and otherwise. My weight has stayed stable now for about a year. I'd like to lose another 10kg but don't stress about it. I think that I'm now a generally cheerful person although I do still get pretty lonely without a true companion. There are a couple of women at work who I think would be interested in going out with me but I don't know if I want to as that complicates things. I did go out for drinks with one of them after work and we had a lovely visit. My lady at the flower shop and I still chat and I may ask her out again at some time. I did ask in January and she said first that she was interested but then said that her life was too complex. No real rush though. I've booked off about 2 weeks of vacation at the end of June and have a good friend who will be hopefully visiting for a day or so and plan on some adventures on my own including getting my little 16' sloop out on the water for the first time in a few years.
I had an bit of stress recently because both my SIL1 and a couple of friends indicated to me that they felt that STBX would be popping her head up shortly and be wanting to come back home. One of SIL1's theories (she has a lot) is that it's not working out between STBX and her fella. She has an alternate theory that STBX will be pushing her guy for a commitment and that if she doesn't get it that she'll fall back on good old Plan B. From the village rumour mill I have found out that it was her intention from the very beginning to move in with the guy so she's essentially been chasing after him for 18 months now at least. So the whole uncertainty thing which kept me hoping for so long was indeed an act and a lie. Le Sigh. Since SIL1 is still friends with her on Facebook and does interact with her from time to time I took the possibility of STBX asking to come back seriously and gave some hard thought to how I would deal with it. I essentially haven't heard from her since last November. There was a phone call I made in January that accomplished nothing and a couple of emails when she pulled money out of the savings account and around her picking up her stuff from the front porch in March.
You can perhaps then imagine my reaction yesterday when there was a letter from her L in the mailbox. She has initiated the separation process and wishes to use the Collaborative Law method. From the content of the letter it would appear that this is a different L than the one that she may have consulted back in January. It would also appear from the letter that she was not completely open with her L about the timelines or the facts involved. I emailed her L back acknowledging the letter, agreeing that I too wanted things sorted out amicably, pointed out that at least one of her statements (that there was no support need for the children) was incorrect since I had been supporting S22 for quite some time and made a passing reference to OM. If these facts are news to that L then I expect that she will be less than pleased with her client. I do actually believe from the content of the letter that STBX did in fact neglect to mention a lot of things. I also referenced the L that I will be using, commenting that I had consulted her several times in the past. I received a one line acknowledgement of my response. Was the L surprised at how prepared I was? No clue but I certainly wanted to give that impression.
I then wrote to my own L asking for the retainer agreement to be set up and reminding her of my preferred settlement. I expect to hear back on that today. Poof goes any savings I may happen to have built.
So - things are in process and are essentially in the hands of the L now. I expect that the L will want to run this through relatively quickly since it should in fact be relatively simple. I do though worry based on what I've read here plus extensive past history with STBX that it could drag out. I think I've done the right thing for me both by waiting and letting her start the process and also by being as prepared as I could possibly be both by getting familiar with the law myself and also talking to people who have gone through their own divorces.
As I do say now from time to time even though I am neither Muslim nor particularly religious - Inshallah - as God wills it.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I read your thread from start to finish a while back. I was very impressed at how you turned around your thinking and accepted the reality of the situation you faced. Of course your gentlemanly nature comes across in everything you write.
Just curious (I am a lawyer, although not in family law). Was she required to pursue separation prior to divorce? In my state we have the choice of which we pursue with no prescribed time limits for either of them.
Just curious (I am a lawyer, although not in family law). Was she required to pursue separation prior to divorce? In my state we have the choice of which we pursue with no prescribed time limits for either of them.
OwnIt - Thank you for the visit and your kind words.
Here in Ontario, Canada I believe that it is the case that if you don't have a separation agreement in place when you file for divorce then the courts can choose to impose one. That usually involves higher court costs and is a complete wild-card situation. Doing up the separation agreement first makes it more or less the same as any commercial contract. Lots of people will do it informally which can be accepted by the courts. However, just like any contract the key thing that I have read is that each party needs to have independent legal advice to really make it binding. The collaborative law process has that built into it. Any contract can of course be re-opened - those famous words "Force Majeure" yadda yadda yadda.
Fingers crossed that everything will run smoothly. I think I've mentally prepared myself for this process. Part of it will probably involve a face to face meeting with my old W which will be tough for me at least. I haven't seen her in person since last November.
There are lots and lots of people who never have any sort of agreement nor divorce but just move on with their lives. There are time limits on some sorts of claims I believe but not on all. Having an agreement will be peace of mind for me at least knowing that my obligations and liability will be clearly defined and that she won't swoop in on some future date looking for blood.
PS - I'm impressed with your stamina going through my threads. I was (and perhaps still am) quite the basket case and wrote some of the most astounding drivel. I have a lot of thoughts on my journey and perhaps once I get a bit farther may write a bit about that. I think that this place made it both easier and harder.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Yes, what you wrote comports with our situation. Doing a separation contract would resolve all custody and financial matters and make the divorce a rubber stamp to get the state's sanction of the dissolution.
Seems hard to believe that you haven't seen her in that long given that you live in a small town, but I guess with no young kids it makes that situation more likely. Were it not for my own, I doubt I would have seen my H. My current plan is to try to avoid him until summer is over.
Hope when you do see her that it is a pleasant experience and not a painful one.
Hey AP, just popping by to read your monthly update.
I'm so glad that you're S is slowly coming out f his depression. Hopefully hanging around his Dad is helping with his healing and recovery.
Very strange about the rumours regarding stbex resulting in a completely opposite outcome. I think sometimes friends and family add to the already huge mountain of confusion!
I know what you mean about getting lonely without a companion. I was sitting in the beautiful sunshine on my decking this evening and just longed to have someone to have a glass of wine with and a natter.
I'm looking forward to your next update and do let me and Westo know if you have introduced the cwch to anyone else in Canada!
(((AP)))
Last edited by job; 06/01/1711:56 AM. Reason: edited a word for the poster
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
I'm glad that I mis-read your older post and that STBXW was only in the house for 30 seconds. Yes, the wee little one is moving around and finding whatever trouble possible! haha. Since I work from home, I've learned that I need to take advantage of his nap time and make my phone calls then! Otherwise, it's nearly impossible for me to talk on the phone while he's awake.
I'm sorry your friends/family gave you false hope about STBXW popping her head back into your world and wanting to come back home. Sometimes it's best to have no window into her life simply to avoid these kind of things.
Your son needs to find some motivation soon. Whether it's to get himself mentally better or get to work... ideally both would be good! I fear that if you wait too long to nudge him, it will be even harder to get him moving forward in his life.
Any updates from your lawyer? I'm glad you were prepared to reply to her lawyer promptly. I wasn't surprised by anything you wrote as much of it was predicted a year ago. It's easier to see where things are headed when you're on the outside. I agree that you did the right thing by waiting for her to start the process and still preparing yourself for this to come. Even though you didn't want it. Don't settle for less than you deserve. Keep posting when you can.
