Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #7]

[ForGump]

How are you doing re detachment? Does her coldness affect you? Does it make you feel bad? Does it change your mood/behavior?

Sadly, she may also intentionally not be trying to get a job so that she can get more alimony from you.

Why did your DB coach say that? [that she won't pull the trigger]

What do the kids know? Have you told them yet?

I think this is going to happen to us too, but my W is in denial. The numbers just don't work.

I'd be lying if her coldness does not affect me. But I do a pretty good job of staying chipper when home, I think. I'm determined not to mirror her moods, and I want to stay a positive figure for the kids. When I'm alone, late at night or at work ... I'm more able to allow myself to feel depressed.

My W isn't that calculating (about alimony). She thinks ... more like an animal. She's a very intuitive, impulse-driven person. She's overwhelmed by anxiety, fear and guilt. Her not getting a job isn't because she wants to screw me.

The kids know something is up, but then it's been this way for 8 months, so they are OK w/ that stability for now. We have not talked to them about the impending divorce. We've deflected their questions about our sleeping arrangement.

The numbers ... yep. They just don't work for us either. But my W hasn't made life decisions based on numbers her entire life. She lets things hit rock bottom, then figures out what to do next.

Thanks for your thoughts, Gordie. I will be having a cold one in your honor after work today.

[ForGump]

About letting go: my head fills with the image of my W being intimate with someone else, and it feels like a giant fist punching me in my face, and I want to just stop existing.

How did I get here? Was I really doomed from the day I met her? I think I was. I was fated to fall in love, and we were fated to break up. Everything that led to this point, I think was set in motion long before. Possibly long before I was even born. All the family history that led to who I am and who she is.

JR-- yes, I believe she can just have me sign saying I got the docs. I told her this, but she disputed it so I just let it be. As I said before, I don't want to do this for her, it's her deal, she already feels suffocated by me, so I'm not going to help her divorce me too. I did learn that to have me served by mail, she needs me to sign for certified mail from the mailman. Our mailman typically comes by during the day when I'm at work, so she'll have to ask the mailman to come back for me in the evening. I think in our town and in our neighborhood, the mailman would do something like that. So, that's what I expect.

I looked at a website that shows calendars for various ways to split up the week for the kids. Some of them look really confusing. 2-2-3 looks best to me. I'd guess that's the most popular one.

[JRuss]

What I've read and heard from others in the same situation is that 2-2-3 only works well if the kids are under 6 or so. It's 18-20 transitions a month, and they really end up "living" in neither home. But it apparently helps if, say, a very young child just can't go more than 3 days without (usually at that age) Mom. As the kids get older, and they have real homework, tests and social lives, they tend to want and need longer in each place so they can set up and have some structure. Even going 2-2-5-5 is 9 changes in a typical month, which might end up being too many relatively soon, especially for D13, in which case you're just looking at 7-7 if you want alternate weekends. Whether it's 5 or 7, those gaps are going to be hard. We did explicitly build in that parents have 100% access to call, text, Skype, etc. when not having custody, outside of the dinner hour.

Ugh -- just trying to put that on my Worrying Backburner. It will be bad for sure, but if I think too much about it now, now will be bad (worse), too.

[Dawgs]

I looked at a website that shows calendars for various ways to split up the week for the kids. Some of them look really confusing. 2-2-3 looks best to me. I'd guess that's the most popular one.

This is one of the things that got me, too. Initially, it was 2-2-3 for us, but that's a pain so we went to weekly. That may change, too. but we will see. What [censored]-so-much is that the ex's don't really care, even if they think and have been told they are great moms/dads. Whatever.

[ForGump]

Why did your DB coach say that? [that she won't pull the trigger]

It could be because she (the DB coach) genuinely believed that that would be the case, based on her years of experience seeing these types of situations... or maybe she just wanted to be encouraging.

JR/Jeep -- yes, I see that 2-2-3 leads to a lot of transitions. Maybe 3-4-4-3 or alternating weeks. I think I can learn to deal w/ alternating weeks. Not sure W can. They all blow.

[skyhigh]

Just a thought! Please do not send any 2X4', I am always brainstorming, I cannot help myself...

Did you think about having one week vacation a year with your kids and your ex-wife but without anybody else, once a year built into your agreement just to make the kids happy.
It can also help build a new "relationship" with her, you can show her what she is missing in case she finally gets out of her limbo.

[JRuss]

I don't think my W would have any interest in that at all. Traveling together as a family was actually one of the first things to go by the boards. Maybe she regrets this at some point. I doubt it -- she rarely admits to a mistake, and that would be the Mother of All Admissions -- but you never know. I don't think there's any way she'd put into a document a commitment to take a trip with me post-D, though.

[Gordie]

I ask because my W is also not following her words with actions (pulling the trigger).

[maly]

Fg we are all hurt with our spouses putting this on us,its wrong very wrong and in most cases its not our fault,they are like machines gone wrong but with a difference we can't fix them,they can only fix them self's,all you can do is do things all the paperwork and so on,if she pulls the trigger or not,you have to go with it,and keep in mind you can get remarried in one hour,its not the end of the world,these days its just a piece of paper,and it doesent mean much to your w ATM or she would not file,you no the in sickness and in health and all that stuff,so how good is it when w files,I wished I could answer why they turn like this,I loved my wife verry much I'm still in shock looking at the ride I've had,for 5 years and still going,put your seat belt on and buckle up my friend ,

[ForGump]

skyhigh-- I like the concept of what you're suggesting, but not sure putting into the D agreement is the right way to make it happen. Could add a lot of stress to make it a requirement. Will have to think about it.

Gordie-- my W has taken a series of small steps to file. Got the paperwork, asked me to look it over, filled out the paperwork, and filed it. She's just hesitating on the very last step of serving me. So I take her very seriously, despite her last-minute doubts.

maly-- 5 years!!! Your signature says you initially separated in 2012, and PA occurred in 2016. During those 4 years, did you remain strictly separated (in-house)? Or were there periods when you were "together" emotionally and physically? I cannot imagine living together with a separated spouse for 5 years.