010207--my W fell in love with someone 10 years younger, someone w/ an alluring persona. It was a delusional EA, and she admits she's not quite over it yet.
I still don't know how our Ws can fall so deeply in love with people they don't really know...while feeling like they can't possibly stay married to the people they do really know...sigh...I alternate between extreme guilt that I must have been such a horrible H that my W felt so lonely and needy that W fell into this...and extreme betrayal/anger that my W is entertaining this selfish fantasy to the extent that she is willing to dispose of her self-professed best friend/great H/great father...argh...
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
FG -- just checking in and hope you're doing as well as possible.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
FG -- just checking in and hope you're doing as well as possible.
Thanks JR. I am sitting on a razor's edge, and the whims of reality can push my situation, my life, my kids' lives, in either direction.
I try to have some perspective. I think about those young men speeding towards Omaha Beach on those Higgins boats. The gate flies open and bullets thud against the metal. I think I am lucky. I am OK. This nightmare of mine is a luxury enjoyed by someone living in a great place, at a great time in history. My kids will be OK, and I am going to be better from this point on, regardless of which way I fall.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
W told me she'd have me served by mail, if/when she is to do it. So now my heart no longer starts to pound each time my office phone rings. Instead I go to our home mailbox every day, looking for certified mail from my wife. Comical, since we're at the same address.
I shouldn't mind-read, but I surmise she's just trying to get up the courage to pull the final trigger. She's afraid of her financial future, and is feeling guilty mostly toward the kids. Toward me, at least outwardly, she's become cold again. No greetings, avoids eye contact, does mutter a reply if I greet her coming and going. On the other hand, she's not actively looking for a job. It would be consistent for her to plunge into the divorce w/o getting her ducks in a row. So her not getting a job doesn't tell me anything.
My DB coach thought my W isn't going to pull the trigger. I don't know. I'm tired. This has gone on for a very long time. With time, the prospect of losing my W hurts less. And the pain when I think about what it'll mean for the kids -- even that has lots its sharp edges. Now that pain just feels like a heavy, dense, black cloud in the middle of my chest. It no longer lacerates.
A divorce is likely going to lead to losing our house. My little one loves the house and wants to live here forever.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
W told me she'd have me served by mail, if/when she is to do it. So now my heart no longer starts to pound each time my office phone rings. Instead I go to our home mailbox every day, looking for certified mail from my wife. Comical, since we're at the same address.
I shouldn't mind-read, but I surmise she's just trying to get up the courage to pull the final trigger. She's afraid of her financial future, and is feeling guilty mostly toward the kids. Toward me, at least outwardly, she's become cold again. No greetings, avoids eye contact, does mutter a reply if I greet her coming and going. On the other hand, she's not actively looking for a job. It would be consistent for her to plunge into the divorce w/o getting her ducks in a row. So her not getting a job doesn't tell me anything.
My DB coach thought my W isn't going to pull the trigger. I don't know. I'm tired. This has gone on for a very long time. With time, the prospect of losing my W hurts less. And the pain when I think about what it'll mean for the kids -- even that has lots its sharp edges. Now that pain just feels like a heavy, dense, black cloud in the middle of my chest. It no longer lacerates.
A divorce is likely going to lead to losing our house. My little one loves the house and wants to live here forever.
Hi fg you will be OK,remember your wife is in mlc,is not your wife its a tottaly different person,only interested in her self and her own needs,you just have to stand back and let her have her new life,and hope the woman you love comes back,not much you can do,only make her new life tuff for her if you can,in my eyes if they find ther new life is not so good,thers a better chance of them wanting the old life back,but if the new life is good why would they want to come back,but this can take years,
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
***Instead I go to our home mailbox every day, looking for certified mail from my wife. Comical, since we're at the same address.***
Laugh or cry?
***I shouldn't mind-read, but I surmise she's just trying to get up the courage to pull the final trigger. She's afraid of her financial future, and is feeling guilty mostly toward the kids. Toward me, at least outwardly, she's become cold again. No greetings, avoids eye contact, does mutter a reply if I greet her coming and going.***
How are you doing re detachment? Does her coldness affect you? Does it make you feel bad? Does it change your mood/behavior?
***On the other hand, she's not actively looking for a job. It would be consistent for her to plunge into the divorce w/o getting her ducks in a row. So her not getting a job doesn't tell me anything.***
Sadly, she may also intentionally not be trying to get a job so that she can get more alimony from you.
***My DB coach thought my W isn't going to pull the trigger. I don't know.***
Why did your DB coach say that?
***I'm tired. This has gone on for a very long time.***
I feel the same way. This is exhausting...and you've been doing this longer than I have.
***With time, the prospect of losing my W hurts less. And the pain when I think about what it'll mean for the kids -- even that has lots its sharp edges.***
What do the kids know? Have you told them yet?
***Now that pain just feels like a heavy, dense, black cloud in the middle of my chest. It no longer lacerates.***
I get it in my throat...and it just stays there...ugh.
***A divorce is likely going to lead to losing our house. My little one loves the house and wants to live here forever.***
I think this is going to happen to us too, but my W is in denial. The numbers just don't work.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I try to have some perspective. I think about those young men speeding towards Omaha Beach on those Higgins boats. The gate flies open and bullets thud against the metal. I think I am lucky. I am OK. This nightmare of mine is a luxury enjoyed by someone living in a great place, at a great time in history. My kids will be OK, and I am going to be better from this point on, regardless of which way I fall.
FG, 100% this. We've all chatted about this being a good reality check for us before and it's excellent to keep us grounded. This is a good frame of mind to be in.
Originally Posted By: ForGump
I'm tired. This has gone on for a very long time. With time, the prospect of losing my W hurts less. And the pain when I think about what it'll mean for the kids -- even that has lots its sharp edges. Now that pain just feels like a heavy, dense, black cloud in the middle of my chest. It no longer lacerates.
Brother, this is normal. From looking around at those who showed up here at the same time as us, it seems we're all in a similar spot with respect to the dulling of our emotions. I think the saving grace for all of us is Time. Add to that the greater understanding we now have of ourselves and how a R is supposed to be and deep down i think we all know we're in a better place from a personal perspective.
I think the lingering pain, or the cloud as you so aptly put it, may be regret. Regret that we may not be able to get to an optimal outcome for ourselves, or kids, and our Ws. Now that we understand what has happened, as well as the small things that can be done by our Ws to fix it, it's hard (for me at least) to not feel down that W may not be willing to make changes on her end. That said, i also think there's a realization with us that we will be fine, and because we are fine, we are very prepared to help buffer our kids from whatever outcome happens.
To me the dulling of the pain is coming from us being better prepared to handle this. A nice little boost of confidence that while we don't want this, we are ready for it. You are a rock FG, and I believe you to be the most prepared of us all. I know you'll be good.
Originally Posted By: ForGump
A divorce is likely going to lead to losing our house. My little one loves the house and wants to live here forever.
This i am very sorry for my friend. Best we can do is create a new and stable home for the kids. Give them something stable to generate new and awesome memories of what home is.
Hang in there brother. I'm sorry you're having to deal with the uncertainty of things at the moment. Stay strong FG!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
FG -- I think it actually sounds like you're in a decent place, all things considered, mentally/emotionally speaking.
Can she really not just hand it to you to affect service? Seems like silly mindgames, but maybe it has to be that way or the sheriff, in which case mail is certainly better.
In my own sitch, we worked back and forth most of this week to put down on paper how we'll do custody (50/50, 2-2-5-5, initially) and hack up our assets. As is so often the case, preparing mentally in advance, and knowing and bracing for what I know will be really hard and painful, only goes so far. You only do this once with the woman you still (how?) love, and reality is reality, and it really hits harder than you can prepare for. We finalized things last night and will meet with a lawyer Tuesday and turn her loose to put it all on paper the way it needs to be turned into the court. I guess I'll be served, too, not sure how that works. So, absent the epiphany for my W that would have come long ago if it was ever coming, we'll be divorced sometime in May, and she'll move out. Cest la vie. I've gotten to where I sometimes let myself view that move-out as at least something to let the pressure off a little, even though I know I'll be laid low.
GALing continues. I think all of us will have better 2017s than 2016s, and better 2018s still.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
