Thank you all for your support, thoughts and prayers. I keep reminding myself that this is all about me and what I want going forward. Rethinking my future, visualizing life without the antics of a mlcer is looking pretty good at the moment. There are waves of sadness, feelings of rejection and a lot of unanswered questions but I WILL work through this.
Watching him poke his head out of the tunnel, have moments of clarity and then scurry back in to the comfort of the tunnel/cocoon has been so difficult. Things that he said about a new beginning for us, a comment he made after he told me he was going through with the D. "it will all work out, you'll see", remind me how confused they really are. This would be so much easier if he would just go away! I handle this so much better when I have little to no contact with him.
In true mlc style he changes his mind on a weekly and sometimes daily basis. So far it's full speed ahead on the D. Funny thing is, he is no longer going to move away from our town because "you and D2 are here, I would miss you. I like living here". Totally opposite of what he was saying a few weeks ago. He calls even more often since he "dropped another b" (his exact words)and when I don't answer his calls he keeps calling until I answer or send him a text. He rarely leaves a message so why would he expect me to call? He stopped by one day after calling 3 or 4 times and told me to answer my phone so he can stop worrying about me. Really? It appears to be the distance/pursuer dance.
I'm leaving here shortly for a few days of R & R and a change of scenery. I've packed a book that I've been meaning to finish reading, a little junk food and a lot of light-hearted DVD's.
I'll check in again when I return.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
I spent 3 glorious days away from here a few weeks ago. I took advantage of just about every option they had at the spa!! It seems like forever ago now but I plan on taking a gf with me next time. She is recovering from surgery and could use a pick me up and some pampering. I stopped in to visit her on my way back home. I hadn't seen her in 2 years so we caught up drank wine and laughed until our faces hurt.
I'm back into the swing of things but regretting that I've gotten myself involved in so many gal activities. Having too many commitments is starting to stress me out. My gardens have been neglected for far too long. It's something that I enjoy and is not only relaxing but therapeutic. I talked to the neighbor's sons and they said that they'd be more than happy to come and do some of the heavier work. I have a few things that I've had in pots for years that need to be planted in the yard. One is an olive tree that I don't want to lose. It may not make it if I transplant it right now but I will lose it for sure if I don't. Too much to do and so little time!
I'm pretty tired of all of the d nonsense. My h hasn't been one to spew but since his decision to go through with the d he's been less than patient with the process. He assumed we'd be d within 90 days of when he served me the papers. I told him that my attorney was going to have to review the "post nuptial" agreement that has now become the basis for the d. He agreed that we needed to be careful and he was willing to wait for my attorney to review. My attorney has taken more time than my h thinks he should be taking. He suggested that I was dragging it out intentionally. He was more accusatory than necessary saying that if he found out that I was doing so that...blah, blah, blah. A few weeks ago he accused me of telling his parents what was going on and used the exact same words. For me, that was crossing the line. Accusing me of lying??? I told him that the conversation was over and got up and left the room. He followed me and I told him that it was time for him to leave. He was dumbfounded. I rarely talk in that manner and he really was speechless for a moment. He started back-pedaling and said I misunderstood that he was talking about something else. I repeated what he said and reminded him that he said the same thing when he suggested that I'd been talking to his parents. He apologized and I told him that if I misunderstood what he said that I was sorry. I heard him loud and clear and there was no mistaking what he was saying. He called and left a message apologizing again after he got home and then again the following morning.
What's the hurry for him? Don't know and don't care. If I had to guess, my attorney has seen my h's pattern of behaviors over the past year and half. Separation, no separation, post nup agreement, cancel that. Oh wait, now it's back on and separation cancelled. He knows if he waits long enough my h will change his mind. I haven't asked him to drag this out at all. I just asked him to review the agreement and let me know if there are any legal issues that could arise from this type of agreement.
Maybe I'm just naďve but it seems that an agreement that keeps everything in both of our names and doesn't allow for any finances to be divided is probably not the norm in a d. Not only that, what happens if he gets legally involved with someone or if he creates a Will or Trust that leaves 401K's or IRA's or other financial accts to someone else. We still jointly own both houses although they have been quit claimed to each other and we're responsible for our own homes. We can't gift or transfer any assets to anyone other than each other or our children. We have to disclose ANY changes to each other immediately and numerous other limits to make sure that all stays status quo. Yeah, there is a substantial amount in joint assets but up till now he hasn't spent and continues to obsess about NOT spending. MLC craziness!!!
That's it for now. I am doing well considering the circumstances. Getting away helps a great deal. Keeping my distance from my h helped too.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
I blabbed on for an entire page and forgot to thank you for your kind words.
I started reading your thread a few days ago. You are doing fine and have gotten so much good advice. I'm not sure what I can say other than I'm sorry that you're here and keep doing what works. Take care of you and you kids. Put up the spew shield to protect yourself.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
NLT - sounds like your h is a slow burn MLCer. This divorce things is awful, and the non-division of the assets suggests that he is both trying to stay invovled and keep control. My xh wanted most everything and was most put out when even his lawyer explained it didn't work like that!!
I had much the same convos with added spewing and no apologies. Sadly it is par for the course. Our divorce took 2 years in total, and apart from the initial delay while I tried to get xh to mediation, it was entirely down to him. A fact which he would deny if you pulled his teeth - and believe me there were times when I dearly wanted to.
Notice the language - 'Sorry if I misunderstood you'. That isn't an an apology. An apology is 'Sorry that . . ' Different mindset.
Hard though it is I have come to the view we are better of with these people out of ourlives, hearts and heads, although after a long and loving marriage I know that it is easier said than done.
I am happier now that I no longer have my xh rattling around in my head (mostly) Occasionally he puts in a guest appearanceband like the nasty garden gnomes in Harry Potter I have to eject him.
It's been a very long time since I've posted. it's time for an update. I came here 4+ years ago confused, hurt and unsure of what was happening to my h nor how to handle his bizarre behavior. I received a lot of good advice and support that helped me keep my sanity and to make it to where I am today.
My h's MLC started sometime is 2011 but it wasn't until 2012 that he started displaying the more obvious signs of MLC. He wasn't a mean mcler and seemed to keep his anger focused on the ow. He didn't tell me what I did wrong in our marriage or bring up the past. It was a wild ride for sure but as I look back on it now it seems like ancient history.
When he filed for D (2015) it hit me pretty hard. As time went on I thought more about my future as a single woman and focused on that rather than standing or saving our marriage. I started looking at myself and future. Deciding whether I would move, go back to work or school and dug deeper than I have in a very long time. It was more or less a rethinking of my future. I was nearly 60 and the thought of being alone was a bit scary at first. I had a plan and was looking at moving to another town an hour away from here. I found a few homes and was also looking for a place for D2 to live and work. She is doing wonderfully here and has been "promoted" to better jobs within the company that she works. She has a hard time with change and I dread the day that I have to tell her that we are moving. She's become quite independent here and loves her job. I am so proud of her for overcoming so much adversity and the strength she has shown.
My h continued to stay in contact and wanted to remain friends. I kept him at arms length and treated him as I would an acquaintance rather than a man that I was married to for more than half of my life. He never brought up the D that was scheduled for the last week of March 2016 and I didn't share my plan for after it was final.
As odd as it sounds only 1 of our 4 children knew what was happening. She never said a word to the others. At Christmas 2015 we all got together at my house (he had signed it over to me when he filed for separation so that the ow wouldn't have any legal right to it) and we all had a great time. My h even spent the night so as not to let on that there was anything "off".
Shortly after the Holiday's I saw some subtle changes. I can't put my finger on it but there was something different about him. A calmness came over him. He talked about his "journey" a lot more than he had over the past few years. I continued to keep my distance but took a little more interest in what he was saying. Like watching a teenager become an adult is the best way to describe it. He said things like, "your must have thought I was crazy". "I almost lost my children because of that B." "You were the only one that was there for me when I needed help and I will never understand why." Memories of things that he did aren't exactly as things happened and his timeline is waaaay off.
In February wind, rain and high tides nearly destroyed the house that he was living in. It turned into a total nightmare for him. The insurance wouldn't cover the damage because the house was in a flood zone and he didn't have flood insurance or maybe they wouldn't sell it to him. That house was doomed from the day the crazy, abusive ow moved in until the day he sold it.
At the end of March, one week before the final hearing for the D, my attorney called. He asked me if I had talked to my h recently. I told my attorney that we don't talk about D, only pleasant things. Seriously, my h did not want to talk about it. He just wanted to do it! My attorney was fully aware of MLC and did exactly as I asked him when it came to only responding to what was absolutely necessary. He didn't call or email if a date was missed unless it was going to effect me negatively. As it turned out, no one showed up at the hearing and when I went to the Court website it showed "Case Dismissed". WHAT? I called my attorney the day after and asked him what happened. He said to watch for the paperwork showing the dismissal. To this day he has never talked about what happened, what made him change his mind about going through with it, NOTHING.
Shortly after the no show on D day he asked me if I'd like to meet him in a city that he was traveling to for business. He offered to pay for the ticket and said he'd get a separate room for me if I wanted. I accepted but bought my own ticket just in case I needed to make a quick get away. 😉 It was there that he really opened up and started to ask me questions. I was no longer the sounding board. HA! We spent all of his free time talking, laughing, catching up on friends and family.
As the months went by we spent more time together. Many, many conversations later and after some dating we decided that when his house sold, he would move back here but stay in a guest room. It worked for us at the time and gave both of us our separate space. We went on vacation for 3 weeks this past fall. It was then that the last piece finally fell into place. We now share our bedroom and are working on our NEW relationship. He has been so attentive, loving and complimentary. Even more than when we first met decades ago. I still have a few trust issues but I'm working through them, slowly. I am cautiously optimistic and at this point it feels like I always will be. I pray that one day I can let go of that.
D1 is has moved to the Midwest and is doing her residency at a very progressive hospital. She loves it and has adapted to living there where she knew no one. It's a much slower pace than she has been use to but it's good for her to slow down a bit. She has a special guy in her life and juggles long hours and tries to take breaks when she can. S1 and 2 are doing well too. We have 3 grandchildren now. My h spoils them almost as much as I do. We don't see them as often as I'd like as their lives are busy with school and activities.
My h is flying back in to town tonight and will be here soon. I've been lazy for the past few days and guess I should get a few things done before he gets here. 😁
Wish I had some words of wisdom to close with. I can only say that there's no rhyme nor reason to why one relationship makes it and another doesn't. I read many threads of marriages that made it and some of those that didn't. I listened to the wise Veterans on this board and took care of myself first. Setting boundaries was always hard for me but I finally found my voice and didn't care how he reacted. In the end it really is about me and what I want and need. With or without him I was and will be just fine!
I'm anxious to read up on some of the new situations here and catch up on some of the people that were here prior to my long absence. A special thanks to job and bea for taking me all under their wings (as in angels)! Bright, kml and all of the others that I forgot too!
What a pleasant surprise coming to the board tonight. Thank you so much for sharing! It's been awhile since reading a positive post w/MLCer coming back.
NLT!!! Wow!!! What a surprise!!! I can’t believe it’s been so long since your last post! But, it doesn’t feel like it to me… I guess because I’m still in a sort of limbo land…
I’m so happy to read your updates! I’m happy to learn that your D1, S1, S2, and especially your D2!!! are doing well! And I always had that feeling… that you would be the one to make it… You had so much patience, you were always a person who your H could trust and count on, you remained his best friend… At the same time, you were moving along with your life and taking care of yourself. Isn’t what the DB is all about!
Out timeline is very close, but I cannot say that I’m anywhere close to where you are. My H is also a “nice” MLCer, but there was no crazy OW and other “dramatic” things in his life. Sometimes I wish he had a crazy OW, LOL… so it would put the things into prospective and speed up the journey… And, I’m not even sure at this time that his MLC journey is going to end… Or, if I will be there when and if it happens…
NLT, thanks so much for coming back to post! Your story could inspire a lot of people on this board. It gives a prospective into a MLCer’s mind, into MLC as a whole, and how long it could take. You don’t need the “words of wisdom”, your example speaks for itself! I think it is almost given that you would have some trust issues after all of this. But, I’m confident that you are the one who can make it… to a new relationship that is stronger than it was before.
NLT, I wish you more patience and understanding, while you and your H are making your way back to each other. Enjoy your grandchildren! I can’t remember if you had them 1 ˝ years ago. Or, were they born since your last post???
NLT, you made my day today! Thank you again for posting!
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Great post! Thanks for coming back to give some us some hope.
My H doesn't have an OW so it's harder to lay down boundaries. I think it's just sad though that they have to put us through all this just to realise that they really do love and want to be with us. I've not been at this for a very long. It will be a year in May since we separated but BD was in December 2015. I realise this is going to be a long haul.... :0(
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
