I have found that finding logic is hard work. It means sitting with and controlling my knee jerk emotional reactions. Recognizing my black and white thinking. Talking back to my ASSumptions before they stir up my emotions and get me into trouble.
I feel I have made some small progress. It has been a long time coming, but I guess 40 years of habits and dealing with lots of stress for me has been slow going and a long journey ahead of me. But I like the results when I see them.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I am still getting lots out of these posts and want to keep them current for me to find them easier!
Pam - maybe it's time to start dreaming a whole new life for yourself?
I know this may sound terrible, but - what would you do if your H was dead? How would you go about creating a new life for yourself? What adventures would you go on? Where would you move to? What countries would you visit?
I know your H has laid a lot of the blame at your doorstep for the failure of your R. I really don't hear him acknowledging how his affair was wrong, or how his ambivalent behavior towards you would be enough to drive anyone crazy. Yes, you have issues to work on - mood swings and dependency issues - but I am telling you right now, YOU DESERVE BETTER. And the sooner you get out into the world and make a new life for yourself, the sooner you will realize that too.
Take your money, start researching parts of the country that have low housing-costs to wage ratios, find one that you like, and MOVE. Get a new job, start a business, find a roommate. Buy an apartment in Florida or a house in Phoenix. Live!
You don't have to live this drama any longer.
Okay, don't know quite what got into me today - but I just can't stand to see you waiting around on him any longer.
Ellie
1. You creating a plan for YOUR life -- figuring out your dream, etc. She suggested that one way to approach this was thinking "what would I do if CHL were um, dead". You may recall that I suggested this exact exercise about 6 months ago in an email to you. WHY? Because it unburdens your dreaming from the emotion of "he left me".
I still feel that YOU constructing a plan for YOUR life is a good thing.
2. Dropping the rope re. CHL.
This is fundamental DB'ing Pam and you know that. I feel that you still get caught up in reacting to your perceptions of what you THINK CHL is thinking, feeling, etc. Ceasing to base your reactions on CHL and your interpretation of him is a GOOD thing.
Sage
Yes, I admit it, I'm an optimist. I see a lot of hope for you and CHL even though it's so close to the D. You are making great strides and changes and he's responding to it. What was his "ulterior motive" for offering to pick up the prescription? What if it's because he's showing his love for you in a baby step because you've been understanding him lately.... don't underestimate the power of that! Maybe he's just a nice guy (which I think he is)! Maybe it's a combination of those things...
I WANT EVERYONE HERE TO START FOCUSING ON THE POSITIVES because I think we're really starting to get caught up in some negative things and that just causes all of us to spiral downward.
Pam, I like how you used to list the positives in your thread - 3 positives a day. Start doing that again? Let's make it more specific though and make it 3 positives about your communication with CHL. If you don't have any communication with CHL that day, go ahead and list other things.
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-Calystra
Pam,
what you know now is what you knew before but you are learning that you can't be run by your emotions.
In glancing over my old threads I see that I was very much led by my emotions...even justified my emotions. Thing I realize now is that though our emotions may be justified, using them as justification for our actions is not.
LL
Something KML said here once really stuck with me. It was something about how feelings are important and valid, but feelings are often temporary, mutable things and NOT always based on reality.
I think for many of us, making assumptions has been a big problem. So if we make assumptions (faulty ones) and have feelings due to those assumptions, we are poisoning our inner world. If we act on those feelings, we are often poisoning our R's. This is real basic stuff, but for me it took a lot of work to change those mental "bad habits", and probably will take upkeep for life!
Talitsa
I finally decided that despite what everyone else thought I was going to make up my own mind. Didn't matter that my h couldn't stand me, avoided me, etc....I was going to stay m. I was going to keep db'ing, changing the things my h hated about me, give myself credit for who I am, feel comfortable with the changes I was making for me and if I messed up in front of h, well I apologized and moved on to keep changing.
Just think if one of you was totally solid about what they wanted...wouldn't the other feed off your stability? Wouldn't the other floundering fish find purchase in your stance? Repeatedly in my sitch it looked hopeless but I held on to my belief that the m was IT. I let h flounder...I stood firm.
Make up your mind to m or d, forget the deadline, and stand firm! Don't read into his actions, don't voice your assumptions to him, don't second guess him or yourself (like when you kept asking if he was ok with picking up your stuff...ask once and let go also with you apologizing repeatedly...don't say it once and let go), if he half-heartedly hugs you well don't read into that either but be grateful he has concern for you.
I think you dwell too much on what he's thinking...how can you know? Why waste energy trying to figure it out? And if you think you know, half the time you are wrong so why bother? Start right now cutting behavior that is causing you turmoil...when you feel yourself start say STOP then think something else...fight hard! I'm saying this too because time and time again I've had to do this and it has worked for me, and my h.
You don't have to grovel to him by repeatedly apologizing...does D do that? Treat him courtesly but also respect yourself.
I know lots of advice is coming at you but remember as long as you can't decide what to do you'll be tossed back and forth like a wave in the ocean. Decide then let no one sway you!
Let your actions show what you have decided. To me you act as though you want to stay married so then do it. If thinking about the d is causing you turmoil then don't act like the d is an option. Do what you believe!!!! Last minute miracles are God's speciality!!!! You can doubt your power to change this but you can't doubt His! He ordained m and though d has free will...not many can fight God and win!
Cindy
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Quote: I would like to drop the rope on the settlement, I also don't want to end up settling it in court. But I think if I pick a date that if I haven't heard anything back by I will contact him, I will drop it till that time. I don't want to be unreasonable, I also don't want to not have any input in the split. Maybe a week before the court date I'm thinking if he hasn't gotten back with me about contacting him. Any thoughts on that time frame?
I have ended up talking with him for a few minutes. I think I did well at not overreacting. We discussed the taxes. He said he has been waiting on me to do them, I said I had been waiting on him. So I started to stress but then said I guess I misunderstood him.
I am to let him know if I find everything tonight and e-mail him and he will make time to look at his stuff because he has some funky deal this year and I want him to look at it before I do anything with it.
But I took Honey's suggestion and sent message that when he had a few minutes needed to ask him something. He sent message back would be couple hours would that be ok? I said no problem.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Quote: But I took Honey's suggestion and sent message that when he had a few minutes needed to ask him something. He sent message back would be couple hours would that be ok? I said no problem.
I don't remember for sure but as Ceb was going to the A to file for D wasn't he also talking with you more and going out or not? Was the first time you guys went out right before V-day?
Sort of trying to look at CHL's actions and he really has almost stopped coming to the house and he never contacts me about anything.
He will probably come this weekend so we can get the taxes done. But after that I'm not sure he will be over at all.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
