so W feels like I serve her but want to rule her on an emotional level I figure.
This hits an important point, and resonates w/ my situation. It's a catch-22. W wants H to provide certain things, emotional and material support, comfort, and convenience; yet when the H provides those things, she winds up feeling emotionally controlled and suffocated.
How do you break this bond, this cycle?
Oh man do I wish I knew how to break this cycle. I've been thinking on it every day for months.
Just as a thought experiment ... what would happen if you went cold turkey and didn't provide for the emotional/material needs of your W?
I kind of did stop providing emotional support and within a few days we had the first decent sex in 10 months. But, then she kinda cooled out on me and might even be ok with it (today anyway) I don't think it's been long enough to say for sure.
I'm not sure what would happen if I stopped providing material support. That would actually be pretty cruel as she has little money of her own. I would think she would be pretty mad at me and probably scared for her future.
I agree with Kaizen here. Lex, you seem to think that going dark is a game that will get her to pursue you. While that may be a natural consequence, it is not the reason. The reason to go dark is so you can work on yourself--the DB principles of GAL, 180, and if done effectively, then may lead to detachment. This all takes time. You have to put in the hard work to see results.
I can't help but notice how defense you get. Why? Do you feel attacked or are you trying to convince us (yourself) that you don't need to make changes? You don't have to come here and convince us how great you are. We believe you! But something went wrong in this M, and you owe it to yourself to look at that. She has her own--very bazaar coping mechs, and you do too.
We are focusing a lot on your wife's obsessions with celeb, but I am now more curious what you can do to improve you. Not for her, but for you. We ALL have things that we can do do be happier, more confident, change about ourselves, or whatever it may be. Dig deep!
And in terms of your constant spying on her and her having no idea, I just find this unnecessary at this point. This isn't healthy in any R!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
The DB coaches say do what works... so reducing your emotional support sounds like a good thing.
As for financial/material support ... would she be open to talking about coming up with a plan for greater financial independence? A long-term plan? That would make her feel more empowered, and feel better about herself.
The one thing I learned from looking up celebrity worship is that people who obsess over it have mental issues and low self-esteem. So, it seems to me, whatever you can do to allow her to build her sense of empowerment ... might be good? But obviously the key is to not try to control her, but to assist if wanted. Tough, if not impossible, balance....
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
I agree with Kaizen here. Lex, you seem to think that going dark is a game that will get her to pursue you. While that may be a natural consequence, it is not the reason. The reason to go dark is so you can work on yourself--the DB principles of GAL, 180, and if done effectively, then may lead to detachment. This all takes time. You have to put in the hard work to see results.
I can't help but notice how defense you get. Why? Do you feel attacked or are you trying to convince us (yourself) that you don't need to make changes? You don't have to come here and convince us how great you are. We believe you! But something went wrong in this M, and you owe it to yourself to look at that. She has her own--very bazaar coping mechs, and you do too.
We are focusing a lot on your wife's obsessions with celeb, but I am now more curious what you can do to improve you. Not for her, but for you. We ALL have things that we can do do be happier, more confident, change about ourselves, or whatever it may be. Dig deep!
And in terms of your constant spying on her and her having no idea, I just find this unnecessary at this point. This isn't healthy in any R!
Blu
I don't want to play games but I began to feel like I was after following the DB coach advice. I was still following the advice anyway.
I am also keenly aware that my wife needs something that she is not getting. I very much want to learn how to give it to her.
I don't mean to come off defensive. I really appreciate all the advice and I am trying to follow it. I had already been working on myself for months before I posted here and I am working on myself still. I've managed to stop all pursuit and just live life. that is a positive change that I feel pretty good about. Currently I am focused on detaching and taking care not to exert any control on my W at all. Getting better at this.
The DB coaches say do what works... so reducing your emotional support sounds like a good thing.
As for financial/material support ... would she be open to talking about coming up with a plan for greater financial independence? A long-term plan? That would make her feel more empowered, and feel better about herself.
The one thing I learned from looking up celebrity worship is that people who obsess over it have mental issues and low self-esteem. So, it seems to me, whatever you can do to allow her to build her sense of empowerment ... might be good? But obviously the key is to not try to control her, but to assist if wanted. Tough, if not impossible, balance....
I have been helping back her painting career for years while never taking credit for anything. She has had some wins lately with this. It seems to have improved her outlook.
But if you & your W have been doing that (trying to get her art career to be profitable) and it's not working ... then it's not working. No?
Well that is true but she really wants it so it's not like I can tell her to stop. especially when she will see it as control.
Also, after many years she is actually getting some traction for the first time. She has a gallery show in progress now and it did so well they extended it till the end of Feb (it was originally going to end at end fo Jan)
Also, we managed to line her up another show in March which she is painting every day to get ready for. So it would be weird to stop now.
