Gordie: Pulling it all together

[ForGump]

How did you end the delusion?

I asked the OM to tell her it's a delusion. I understand that her need for this is real. I felt it's not healthy to focus those needs onto a delusion. Whatever her emotional needs are, whatever her emotional/sexual discontentment is with me and our marriage, I felt it's healthier to process those thoughts and feelings in reality, rather than in a delusional world. Plus the OM was someone we all knew. It just isn't me to stand by while my W has delusions about someone we all know. That just felt pathetic and dishonorable to all of us.

There are mature, reasonable ways to deal with problems in a marriage. Falling into a delusion isn't one of them. My ending her delusion momentarily allowed us to reconcile -- and that felt great and gave me so much hope -- but then she fell back into a state of discontentment. But I believe she's become, slowly, more rooted in reality, and I believe overall that is good.

Ending the delusion wasn't a panacea, wasn't a silver bullet. But I believe it was a small step in the right direction. As you pointed out, there is the downside that the bad news came from me. But in balance, it was a good thing.

I have no regrets.

[Woke_Up]

I suppose it helps to get them into moments of clarity now and again. My problem is that OM seems to be delusional, believing that I am some sort of weird 'ex' who still lives with W and won't let go. I'm assuming he's making himself believe that as no-one can be that dumb really.

My W feels she is in love with OM, but also knows she is lying her backside off to maintain this fantasy with him, so I don't think it is that easy to snap her out of it. She actively wishes to be in a fantasy from her actions.

That sound the same with your wife, Gordie? Unwilling to let go of the fantasy, even with the knowledge it most likely is one.

[Gordie]

Woke up and For Gump,

Yes, I think W is lost in her fantasy. Reality is slowly intruding on her fantasy but she is still holding on to it for now. I wish I could meet you guys over beers IRL and tell you the rest of the story. I still can't believe I'm losing my W to a fantasy.

[ForGump]

I've turned over that thought for a while ... is it the fantasy for the particular POM that sparked the MLC, or was it going to happen anyway?

If that guy didn't come into our lives, would she have found someone else to fantasize about, or come up with some other fracture in our marriage....

I think it would have happened anyway.

[ForGump]

p.s. I'll take you up on that beer.

[Gordie]

I agree. In hindsight, my W's MLC started a few years ago but the catalyst for the BD was the way the POM made her feel. Think of the fantasy and real life OMs on this site, what a cast of characters. The W's feel so starved for attention and affection, bored or trapped in their lives, that they are open to attention from any man...old, young, rich, poor, married, unmarried...anyone.

[lt0402]

Yep, quite the cast of characters our WWs have found. Unfortunately our Ws tend to turn a blind eye to what type of man would pursue a married woman.

Gordie, the doses of reality will help shake your Ws views. I'd imagine they help to create cracks in her fantasy and over time she won't be able to ignore the reality of the situation. I think the bigger question is how she'll react when reality fully hits her. I've been through some odd things with my W and I think they've happened as she's gotten hit head on with glimpses of reality. Just be prepared to deal with the oddness when it comes. It will catch you off guard.

No advice on the VD front. I'd agree that lingerie is not the way to go. But I waffle around giving her a gift. What if you did something for the kids and invited her along? Great time with them and she can have a reminder of what it's like to be part of a happy family. Just a thought.

Hang in there brother. These things are tough but you are tougher.

[Zues126]

We all live in our own realities, our own narratives, our own imaginations.

There are things that help keep those realities in check. A fixed external belief system that doesn't sway in the breeze of emotions. A good mix of friends that aren't afraid to call us on our bs. Self reflection and humility to know better than to trust ourselves too much.

I think WWs have an easy time getting hooked on fantasy. A fantasy is like a fire. One person starts the spark. Then the more people go along with it, the more fuel is on the fire. And when a WAW rewrites history or blames LBH, it's not hard to get support. She just has to go to a bar or hop on the internet and say 'hey guys, I'll hook up with the first guy that agrees with me the sky is purple'. Pretty soon she's surrounded with purple sky-ers. Meanwhile her friends and family that call her on her bs are just 'de-friended', ain't no one got time for that kind of inconvenient feedback. (This isn't to say that WAH's don't go down the exact same road, but I'm just speaking about WW's for now)

It's an addiction, and it's one of the toughest kinds because it isn't as tangible. It's not like heroin where it's pretty clear that if there is usage there's a problem. It's more like overeating, where it's blurry. We have to eat, but when is it an issue? So too with fantasy, there are blurry lines that make it easy for people to rationalize away. Of course, once they are shacking up with other people and walking out on their families it's a little more noticeable, but even then there is always a spin. "He's not the OM breaking up a marriage...I was being abused, my self was being destroyed, LBH was killing me, I was dying inside, OM was the support I needed to escape that trauma and preserve myself..." Oh, I didn't realize! You poor thing. Let me help you move your things into OM's apartment!

Weird world we live in, isn't it?

[Woke_Up]

p.s. I'll take you up on that beer.

I'll second that, although it may be some time before I can get away to the States on vacation. I think WW would assume I was off to Florida to do a little bow hunting on the OM!

[Gordie]

Gordie, the doses of reality will help shake your Ws views. I'd imagine they help to create cracks in her fantasy and over time she won't be able to ignore the reality of the situation. I think the bigger question is how she'll react when reality fully hits her. I've been through some odd things with my W and I think they've happened as she's gotten hit head on with glimpses of reality. Just be prepared to deal with the oddness when it comes. It will catch you off guard.

LT--can you elaborate on this? What kind of oddness? I feel like I am constantly caught off guard...sigh.

And I like the idea of a family celebration...have actually done that in the past and might be perfect for this year.