Saw WH yesterday. I spent the day at work crying and speaking to a friend on the phone who helped me move forward a bit with regards to understanding that he's LEFT. I know it sounds mad, but because he flip flopped about leaving a few times, I am finding it difficult to understand it's actually OVER. My mindset has been that he's secretly confused and is at the back of his mind considering coming back. My friend just pointed out he's told me its over in the clearest way possible - with actions - he's living with the OW.
So cue lots of snot and weeping in a meeting room for a couple of hours. By the time I got home I had taken a mental step forward about getting go. So I was a bit down but was calm, quiet. Normally I act happy to see WH and try to connect with him by asking him about his day etc, but this time I couldn't really be bothered, was exhausted from all the crying, so just intended to make a drink and go to bed.
He asked me to join him in the kitchen to talk to him as he was pottering about and he wanted to talk about our son moving abroad with me, nothing specific, just about the mediation session he's pushed for next Monday, and then he mentioned the counsellor I asked him to see by himself. He said he's been thinking about it and would call him tomorrow. He actually said "I want to talk to him, not just because of our son." I didn't react - just nodded. He asked me a couple of times if I was all right - I said 'yeah', was cordial but a bit flat and tired. I walked out of the kitchen with my drink and settled in front of the TV and he followed and started talking about our son and his day at nursery. He mentioned he was going back to stay with his friend (as opposed to OW - yeah right, whatever!) and before he left, he talked about getting some of our son's artwork framed and put up. I don't know how to read this - recently he's been saying he wants to sell the house ASAP, so whats the point of framing stuff and putting it up?
I read a recent post from BluWave who had this valuable advice to give us newcomers - she said she wishes for our sakes we could stop analysing everything single thing WS do. I know she's right. But at the same time... It's like a Pandora box situation - I really want to look away and not think about it, but I can't help wanting to peek, wanting to find out... The Pandora's box is WH's head - I really really want to figure out what's inside.
I checked WH's phone while he was here and saw all these texts to her which broke my heart even more, if possible. They are planning a trip away together. In two weeks. She's counting the days. She told him she loves him. He didn't say it back, thankfully. Not this time anyway : (
He told me yesterday he was going to see the counsellor who's number I gave him two weeks ago. He's going to meet him on Saturday. Why? I don't get it. When he said he was going to meet him, I read into it that he was not 100% sure that the marriage was over.
I'm not on FB and just thought to look for his FB page. He hasn't had one for years, but from his new profile pic he set it up in December. He made most things private but I could see he hadn't set his relationship status up and she was not in his friends list. I've just checked and he's set it totally private. I know it shouldn't bother me because I know he's with her, but I feel betrayed afresh all over again. The knife in my chest is twisting. Does the pain ever end?
I checked WH's phone while he was here and saw all these texts to her which broke my heart even more, if possible. They are planning a trip away together. In two weeks. She's counting the days. She told him she loves him. He didn't say it back, thankfully. Not this time anyway : (
Screenshot it all for your lawyer. It will come in handy one day. Sorry to hear that. Mine was calling the OM her future husband. Ugh.
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I read into it that he was not 100% sure that the marriage was over.
No. You are reading into it what you hope he is feeling. Nothing more, nothing less.
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I'm not on FB and just thought to look for his FB page. He hasn't had one for years, but from his new profile pic he set it up in December. He made most things private but I could see he hadn't set his relationship status up and she was not in his friends list. I've just checked and he's set it totally private. I know it shouldn't bother me because I know he's with her, but I feel betrayed afresh all over again. The knife in my chest is twisting. Does the pain ever end?
First, by looking for things you are doing nothing but bringing your own self pain. I know because I've been there. It [censored], yes. She may very well be on his friends list - maybe she has you blocked. The OM had me blocked so I couldn't see him or his posts (even her posts to him) to her...how'd I find out? I asked a mutual friend to look, and there he was.
The pain will end in time. That's the best info you'll get. There isn't any magic pill or words that will make things easier. Just time. Eventually you'll get to a place where you are able to stand without your knees buckling. Until then, one foot in front of the other and never look down.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
2016, I'm so sorry. Your suffering is palatable and we know the pain well. I know it's hard, but do your best not to peek or look. In the case that you can use some things as evidence, well, I guess take that opportunity. But for things like social media and just general snooping, you (not him) are killing yourself, your soul. I refuse to snoop. And I'm well aware my H may be having an A. But I cannot DB and stay strong for my children if I feed the pain with evidence. Is it ignorant? Maybe. Am I naïve? No. You can't really do much with additional A information (again unless you plan on using it legally), so it's of no function other than hurting you further. Be strong, be brave. Pray, meditate, do something to calm and bring peace to your mind -- don't go looking for more hurt. ((2016)).
Thanks Jeep74 and 100383. Its been a dreadful day but at least it's coming to an end now - made it through another day - and your words have helped.
I know I should stop looking. Perversely though, I must say it helps me detach a bit. It hurts like HELL to see how happy they are together, how loving, but then when WH comes up with something that I would normally have taken as a hopeful sign, I know it's not really - he's saying it out of guilt etc.
I can't use the affair information. In the UK it's no fault divorce. The courts don't care why the marriage failed. Since I am not going to file for divorce, I'm letting him deal with that headache, it's not going to do me any good. I know I shouldn't look. But at the same time it kills any hope I have, which is what I want. I want hope to die. It's the only way I can think to detach.
He keeps saying things like "If we keep going down this road, we are getting divorced." What's with the IF?
Does anyone else struggle with hate? The last few days I've been waking up in a rage, full of hate for WH. I really really REALLY hate him. Which is making it hard to do LTR and DB in general - when I see him I just want to throw things at him and cuss him out bitterly. But the part of me that thinks reconciliation is a good idea (the really insane part), tells me to keep it civil.
It hurts like HELL to see how happy they are together, how loving, but then when WH comes up with something that I would normally have taken as a hopeful sign, I know it's not really - he's saying it out of guilt etc.
It does hurt like hell. To see them, or even pictures, makes it all the worse. For example, a few weeks ago the kids wanted to go to one of their favorite places and climb the light house. Just so happens that same lighthouse is the one where the ex and the OM had a picture taken - a lovey dovey type and all. But I went anyway because they wanted to. And the whole time we were on the top platform part, all I could think of was that pic I saw. It didn't hurt me like it used to, but it stuck with me.
It gets easier, over time. I know you hear that a lot on here, but it does. And there isn't anything that can help but time.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I know snooping is bad, but sometimes it's helpful.
Was determined not to snoop from today but looked in WH's email and there it was in all it's hideous glory. An email from his OW, advising him on what to write in his proposal for the next mediation session. Which is to bring up my 'mental health' issues. He's obviously painted a pretty picture for her. They discuss how they are going to stop me from going home with my son.
I am so devastated, heartbroken and beyond angry. I can't believe someone who stood up in front of everyone we knew and said he would love me forever can do this to me. I feel disgusted. I feel sick.
I am also very very scared. He could trap me here forever. I only moved here to be with him. I left my family, job, friends behind. My whole life. I can't believe he's doing this to me.
JujuB - you warned me this might happen. I believed he wasn't that bad. I feel like an absolute mug.
This is it for me. I will never reconcile with him, ever.
An email from his OW, advising him on what to write in his proposal for the next mediation session.
2016sux,
Welcome to the club! My XW and OM decided that I'm a narcissistic psychopath. Keep in mind that the OM is a one syllable kind of guy; I'm fairly certain he can't spell narcissist and I know he couldn't make the diagnosis.
I'm sorry about all of the pain and stress you're experiencing. Don't let them get you down; they're living in their own little world.
