I have been reflecting heavily on this very thing for months. I am a pretty good listener and I have always listened when my wife did want to tell me issues. I can remember several times over the years where I didn't understand her at first but we attempted 2nd or 3rd times and eventually did reach a resolution that we were both happy with.
She still says I am the "goblin king" though so I think it's linked to my persuasiveness/talkative nature when there is a problem. I definitely have tried to "fix" her problems in the past. And she does not like this. But it's been easily over 6 months now and I switched to validation of feelings and no more talk. I don't try to alter her emotional state in any way. I leave it up to her and just offer my support. am I perfect at this? probably not, but I have behaved in a way that I am proud of. I keep trying to be better. so some of this has to fall on her. she has to have enough moxie to get ahold of her own internal state I think.
It sounds like you are ahead of me on this learning curve. I have a very thick skull and it's taken me way too long to start waking up to some of these issues...but I guess better late than never, right? What does "goblin king" mean?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Im still trying to understand what you are gaining by being dark. To me, being dark was a supplement to the other things that I was doing. If youve read DR, then the basic structure is to set goals, work to achieve them, and monitor the impact. But I dont really know what going dark as an action does if you arent actively doing the rest of it. From the recent posts, it sounds like you 'are who you are' and your W can make a choice to be with you or not. This process is abut self-reflection and growth. I cant tell you what you need to work on, that has to come from within. I have some thoughts, but I only know what you post here. You say you are a self-reflective guy, but if you cant see any of your own shortcomings, then I think you arent looking in the right places.
Honestly, thats why I changed my name to this. I want to remind myself constantly that I can improve. It could be small things, but there are always steps forward that can be made.
In my opinion, being dark allows you the space to do that. You become less involved in pursuit of W that your attention is focused where it needs to be. Without this part, I kind of agree that being dark IS a game of chicken.
Are you confusing detachment and going dark? They are separate things.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
It sounds like you are ahead of me on this learning curve. I have a very thick skull and it's taken me way too long to start waking up to some of these issues...but I guess better late than never, right? What does "goblin king" mean?
Have you ever seen the movie "Labyrinth". It's kind of a kids movie but it has some adult themes in it. W and I have always liked it.
David Bowie played a character called the goblin king. If you haven't seen the movie then my best summary would be that Bowie is trying to get the protagonist girl to agree to give up her baby brother to him willingly. give up more-or-less. she keeps running his maze and doesn't give up. The final scene bowie is frustrated with the girl's tenacity and says something along the lines of "just let me rule you and I will be your slave"
She refuses and her reply is that she ran all his challenges and whatnot and that "you have no power over me" that breaks the spell and she gets her brother back.
so W feels like I serve her but want to rule her on an emotional level I figure. That is where my self improvement work as been for months now. I only validate feelings and offer support. I am open to the idea that I have other issues but if I do then she is not telling and I haven't figured them out.
Are you confusing detachment and going dark? They are separate things.
yes I believe this is the problem. I am using the language here improperly.
detachment is probably what I should be saying. my DB coach advised me to go out on my own and forget about her state for now. He also advised me to "create some mystery" about myself. So that it what I have been doing. It does feel a bit gamey but it's not like I know what else to do. I am not "dark" in the sense that it is meant here I think. W and I still talk and sleep in same bed and take care of kids together.
Have you looked into "celebrity worship syndrome"?
Wow, interesting stuff there!
"Individuals that are love obsessional stalkers often convince themselves that they are in fact in a relationship with the subject of their obsession."
"Individuals who suffer from Erotomania tend to believe that the celebrity with whom they are obsessed is utilizing the media as a way to communicate with them by sending special messages or signals."
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
so W feels like I serve her but want to rule her on an emotional level I figure.
This hits an important point, and resonates w/ my situation. It's a catch-22. W wants H to provide certain things, emotional and material support, comfort, and convenience; yet when the H provides those things, she winds up feeling emotionally controlled and suffocated.
How do you break this bond, this cycle?
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Have you looked into "celebrity worship syndrome"?
Wow, interesting stuff there!
"Individuals that are love obsessional stalkers often convince themselves that they are in fact in a relationship with the subject of their obsession."
"Individuals who suffer from Erotomania tend to believe that the celebrity with whom they are obsessed is utilizing the media as a way to communicate with them by sending special messages or signals."
I had just been reading that same stuff. Wife checks on both of these things. She thinks their relationship is closer than it is and she thinks that he is sending her secret messages via his facebook posts.
