I have a question for you about going dark: what is the objective? Do you think your W is gong to wake up from her fantasy relationship?
the goal as I understand it is to flip the distance/pursuit dynamic and then let the W feel any feelings that come up as a result.
In my opinion, 'going dark' is not 'the solution'. It isnt going to be the thing that causes you W to 'wake up'. In my opinion, going dark is to give you space to figure out what YOU want. To live YOUR life without the need to pursue her.
So, while youre dark, what are you doing that would make her interested if she WERE to pursue you?
I'm increasing my physical fitness. Beyond that I don't know. I just used the rest of the time to have some fun and give myself a breather.
I don't want to be to arrogant but I'm a fully committed family man and husband. If she doesn't want that then she just doesn't want me anymore. I'm not going to change my core desires just to see what happens with her reaction.
In my opinion, 'going dark' is not 'the solution'. It isnt going to be the thing that causes you W to 'wake up'. In my opinion, going dark is to give you space to figure out what YOU want. To live YOUR life without the need to pursue her.
So, while youre dark, what are you doing that would make her interested if she WERE to pursue you?
I'm increasing my physical fitness. Beyond that I don't know. I just used the rest of the time to have some fun and give myself a breather.
I don't want to be to arrogant but I'm a fully committed family man and husband. If she doesn't want that then she just doesn't want me anymore. I'm not going to change my core desires just to see what happens with her reaction.
Improving your physical fitness is certainly a good thing.
As for the rest, Im not suggesting that you change your core desires. But for me, I know I needed to work on some things that were problematic in my marriage. - I relied too much on my ex for my own sense of worth and happiness - I was impatient with my kids - I was indecisive about fairly significant issues - I complained constantly - often just to have something to talk about - I was lazy about getting things done and so on and so on.
These were things that I looked at myself and wanted to improve for me. Going dark helped to give me the space to work on those to become a better version of me without needing to pursue my ex.
I identified overreliance on my wife for my own happiness in the first few months of no sex. I have been and still am working on this.
I feel like I am getting a pretty good handle on it at this point. I know I will be ok with or without her. I also know that my best future is with her if she will have me.
as for the other issues, I feel pretty strong in these areas. My house is in great condition and I tackle any problem that comes up immediately. I do my own repairs and I am a competent carpenter, electrician, and plasterer. Over time I have rebuilt almost every room in my 100 year old house to my wife's specifications (she is a great decorator) I am very patient with my kids and I spend time with them every day doing things that interest them. I am very decisive, I will give a big decision a few days but when I decide I go for it with my whole heart. I do not complain, ever. It is something that I forbid myself to do years ago and I stick to it. If I don't like something and I can change it then I do. If I can't change it then I accept it or get away from it. Complaining is forbidden.
as for the other issues, I feel pretty strong in these areas. My house is in great condition and I tackle any problem that comes up immediately. I do my own repairs and I am a competent carpenter, electrician, and plasterer. Over time I have rebuilt almost every room in my 100 year old house to my wife's specifications (she is a great decorator) I am very patient with my kids and I spend time with them every day doing things that interest them. I am very decisive, I will give a big decision a few days but when I decide I go for it with my whole heart. I do not complain, ever. It is something that I forbid myself to do years ago and I stick to it. If I don't like something and I can change it then I do. If I can't change it then I accept it or get away from it. Complaining is forbidden.
I think you are missing my point. Those were my issues. Im not suggesting they are yours. But those are some of the things I identified that I wanted to change about myself, and I used my time to address those and improve on this.
Just 'going dark' doesnt really change anything. Sure, it may make your W change her mind for now, but, in the end, she isnt going to step back in to exactly the same marriage that she wanted to leave. This isnt something that just 'blows over'. So what do you need to do to be a better man, husband, father, person, etc? While you are 'dark', that is the time to work on it.
I am off track here, but I am just curious, did you wife feel like complaining was forbidden to her as well?
I am not a complainer per say, but sure I do it every now and then to vent off some steam. I think everyone does.
Do you think your wife might have not communicated problems and vice versa because it might have misinterpreted as "complaining"?
I am pretty sure I held everything back because I didn't want to be a "complainer" In turn not expressing myself left me resentful and many issues unresolved.
I am off track here, but I am just curious, did you wife feel like complaining was forbidden to her as well?
I am not a complainer per say, but sure I do it every now and then to vent off some steam. I think everyone does.
Do you think your wife might have not communicated problems and vice versa because it might have misinterpreted as "complaining"?
I am pretty sure I held everything back because I didn't want to be a "complainer" In turn not expressing myself left me resentful and many issues unresolved.
Just something to ponder.
I don't feel like I ever held anything back. If something seemed wrong I would point it out and move for a change. I just didn't let it take the form of complaining.
I never forbid my wife from complaining but she does not do it much. I think she does hold back telling me her issues for whatever reason. She does not think I understand her, and perhaps I don't. But, I'm very willing to try. I gave up on R talk because she hates it and will not have that talk with me but I'm still very willing to listen. Anything she is willing to say I have been validating.
I'm also well aware that I'm not perfect and I am always trying to improve myself. I just don't know what my wife wants and I am pretty happy with myself in general. So my self improvement at the moment takes the form of guarding against doing anything co-dependant and improving the good skills that I already have.
I'm a pretty self reflective person and I think about how I could better handle my situation all the time. probably almost too much. It's hard to stop sometimes. So I am trying to lighten up and just live my life as well.
stayed as dark as I could over the week so far. W seems to be settling into the idea for a few days as she does not seem to be investigating me any more. She emailed celeb yesterday and said she was doing everything she could to make it out to LA this summer. She sent him a picture of a bird in a cage with it's wing cut off. the bird was looking out the window at a heart in the distance. It's so exasperating to see this kind of thing. She is so free to do as she wishes and apparently she still sees herself as caged and de-winged. Celeb replied but only to wish her good luck at her upcoming art convention and to say "hang in there." It's become pretty annoying that he keeps her going with a few sentences but never tries to get anything from her and never shuts it down either. so weird. I am dark this few weeks on the advice of my DB coach but I can't hold it in much longer. I'm going to confront her after our next session no matter what happens. Better to have things in the light. I feel like this darkness is turning into a game because I know things that she doesn't know. All of this happens on the backdrop of a perfectly calm and orderly household. It makes my head spin.
Despite all this I actually feel pretty decent this morning. I am going straight from work to my extra judo session so I will be out all day till late. I know working out hard is always good for my mood as well. W seemed perfectly chipper about me being gone till late tonight.
I will see what comes up next. Hopefully, by next time I post it will be about what happened when I outed her emailing.
I never forbid my wife from complaining but she does not do it much. I think she does hold back telling me her issues for whatever reason. She does not think I understand her, and perhaps I don't.
Lex23,
This is perhaps the biggest issue I am facing in my situation, so wanted to share a few thoughts:
*Your W doesn't complain much/tell you her issues...not because she doesn't have complaints or issues, but because she isn't comfortable doing so...this may be her own issue (in my W's situation, that's what was modeled to her in her family and that's what she was taught a good W did)...or it may be her relationship with you (Lex23 doesn't listen to me, so I don't even try to tell him).
*Your W doesn't think you understand her...now this is a chicken and egg from hell...she doesn't think you understand her so she doesn't tell you about herself...and when she doesn't tell you about herself, how can you possibly understand her?
So what can you do to try and change this dynamic?
Part 1. What parts of her complaints about you and your relationship are valid? Here's what I found/asked when I looked hard at myself:
*Do you want to be a guy who doesn't listen to people when they are trying to talk to you? NO!
*Do you want to be a guy who thinks he is right all the time so much that other people think it's pointless to disagree with you? NO!
*Do you want to be a guy who talks down to others? NO!
I could go on and on, but you get the point...what are your issues? What are the questions you need to be asking yourself? What are the things you want to change to be the best Lex23 ever?
Part 2. Does your W feel emotionally connected to you? If not, the above may improve your R with others, but probably not your W. For me, I have needed to improve my communication skills AND my emotional connection to my W in order for her to open up to me and opening up to me includes a lot of what has been lacking in our R: her disagreeing with me, her complaining and getting angry with me, her yelling and screaming at me! Does this sound like an improvement over the fake-calm, conflict avoidance? Yes, it actually is because my W is now being more honest with me than she ever has before and is letting out the things that she has been holding in for years.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
