Gordie: Pulling it all together

[ForGump]

This reality upset her fantasy greatly as she cannot have a serious cohabitating/marriage relationship with POM and her current lifestyle.

Her getting upset ... from your perspective, was it a good thing? A good wake-up call? Or did it plunge her into something more unhealthy?

What would happen if, somehow, she realized that the POM has zero interest in her? For example, POM's girlfriend finds out that your W has been too friendly w/ her boyfriend, and confronts your wife. That would destroy her fantasy. But does that help her see reality better? Or only push her deeper into a delusion?

[ForGump]

My pre-MLC W was conservative and not compulsive at all

Is it possible that she was a very emotion-based person all her life... but she either repressed it much of her life with you, and/or you failed to see that part of her? She may have been conservative in terms of the final choices she arrived at, but what was her style of thinking? Was she generally methodical and logical when making choices in her life?

The reason why I think about it is ... my W just wants to jump off the cliff into the divorce, and I think the way her brain works ... she just doesn't wrap her mind around all of the consequences beforehand. She is just unable to contemplate the full picture of life after a divorce. She needs to do it, to know it. I can tell her, "if we divorce, then it'll have A, B, C consequences in terms of money, time, which in term will have X, Y, Z consequences to our kids and the things we enjoy now," and so on about all aspects of our lives, including work, love, family, relationship, etc. But I don't think she can wrap her mind around that potential future.

Which goes back to what your coach said: some people need to divorce/separate before they know what they've done. And I think it has much to do w/ the way people's brains are wired.

[Gordie]

1. W currently feels that she was repressing her true self in our M. She never said this before BD but I believe that is how she feels now. My W and I are both guilty of conflict avoidance. W says she didn't feel repressed in the past but that she sees now that she was.
2. No, W hasn't thought through the logistics of D and I learned early I can't be her guide. Either she doesn't listen to me or I become the bad guy for bearing bad news. It's much better for her to hear bad news from the L or elsewhere. I think you should back off trying to explain these things to your W.
3. The question is how patient can I be? Can I continue this after separation and divorce? I'm only 5 months post-BD. If it is really x years of M = x months of DB...that means 15 more months...

[Gordie]

W getting upset about reality not matching fantasy is a good thing. It's made her more not less rational. But it only sunk in because I was not the messenger.

[ForGump]

W getting upset about reality not matching fantasy is a good thing. It's made her more not less rational. But it only sunk in because I was not the messenger.

So ... if POM and/or his girlfriend delivered the news to your W ... it might be a good thing?

skyhigh thought strategic exposure was good for getting her MLC hub out of his MLC....

No pressure (as if I can pressure you in the first place!) Just worth considering.

[ForGump]

First, I think it's a good thing that (as far as you can tell) your W was a fairly rational person before MLC. That means she can return to that at some point.

Of course repression and conflict avoidance is no good....

x years of M = x months of DB...that means 15 more months...

Don't tell my wife but if I knew going into it that she'd be emotionally divorced from me for 15 months but was sure to return to me after that ... I could accept that.

It's the not knowing how long, or thinking it's forever ... that makes it impossible to deal with.

[Gordie]

I would love for POM or POM GF to burst her bubble but I don't want to be the catalyst.

[Gordie]

Coach didn't say 15 months...coach reminded me there are no guarantees.

[ForGump]

I would love for POM or POM GF to burst her bubble but I don't want to be the catalyst.

That's a very good point you're making, not wanting to be the catalyst. I can respect that.

In my case I just felt I had to do it. It's hard for me to find words to articulate why. It was a gut feeling. Felt degrading to me, to my W, to my family for the delusion to continue. It felt like a matter of mental health, not a marital problem. But in my case I had zero doubt it was delusional.

About the 15 months -- yes, I understand nobody can tell us how long MLC will last, even if there is a rule-of-thumb or some type of a statistical average.

[Gordie]

How did you end the delusion?

How did it affect your situation?

It sounds like you have no regrets about doing it.