WAS vs MLC..not sure it really makes a diffence

[peacetoday]

HI Skm

It is difficult to understand the sudden shift and unavailability of the MLcer

They are not the same as when they were committed in the M

It is kind of a shock to the LBS to make sense of
MLC doesn't makes sense, but it is real, unfortunately it happens and it can take lots to time..
Hang in there and continue your journey
It will get better and easier for you as time passes

[skyhigh]

Your friend was absolutely correct about her analysis. When you talk with friends who can see your situation with an outside view without too much emotional ties to it, usually you have great feedbacks. She saw his behavior for what it was. Also when you talk, it helps to sort out what's going on, it's like if you are brainstorming ideas on a particular subject. Instead of being in the obsessive mode you mind shift to the critical thinking mode. Do you see what I mean?

Your message was right on target, he got it. It was on about facts and how HIS actions had consequences to the welfare of the dogs. You brought him back to reality (you thought you were hurting/annoying me but in fact the victims of your behavior were the dogs not me)

It's ok to vent. Their actions go against common sense most of the time.
My H wants the kids to be more independent while he wants them to do exactly as told. I had to put my foot down this morning.

It's tax season (W2 are here). It's might be a way to bring the questions in regard on some financial issues you talked about. What is you best interest, filing a joint return or filing a separate return?

[skm0619]

Skyhigh and peacetoday.....thanks for your support.

I will say that when I first wrote that text message I did make it all about me and how his actions were affecting me but then I read it and thought this really isn't the point I'm trying to make, and he will only read it as "here she goes again" so I used my educated brain and revised it . He of course did not reach out to help me like he said he would....oh well.

It is so frustrating dealing with all of my emotions and H NOT dealing with any of his. I don't know if this is something I will ever understand. But what I do know is that with each day that passes I see someone (H) who I don't really like anymore, and for me that is sad. I like who I am becoming

I am learning about myself during this process and how I have treated people and it makes me sad to think that I could say or do something to someone to be hurtful. How does a person willingly know they have hurt someone, or are continuing to hurt someone but have absolutely no desire to correct those wrongs or make things better? Denial is a huge thing for these MLC people.

As for taxes....I am not going to have any sort of conversation with him about them. I have decided that I am going to file married but separate. He makes zero effort to communicate with me about anything so I have decided to not communicate with him. I know that from my end of things taxes are not going to be an issues. I just hope and pray that he makes one smart decision in regard to finding a way to pay what he will owe.

I can not imagine having to go through this having children. I know I speak of my dogs often (they are my children) but having kids brings a whole different level to this process that has to be difficult.

[skyhigh]

That journey through that nightmare changes us.

We cannot change the past, we cannot change them while they are in their MLC, but we can make change on us. We make change on us to help us to "survive" but also to figure out who we can BE without them and, be happy again, because in some cases they may not come back or we might decide we don't want to have them back.

Any time you feel the need to vent, do it, it feels good to express thoughts/feelings and also it helps to figure out a few things, it's a way of brainstorming.

I hope tomorrow will be a good day for you, enjoy a nice walk with your dogs.
Never stopped loving yourself even if you don't feel like it, take care of you, a nice tinted cream, some mascara, some perfume, you go girl!

[peacetoday]

SKM

Hi..Just make sure your finance are operate from his
so if he doesn't pay his taxes..you dont get stuck

I used to wonder the same,,how could they walk and feel nothing
look almost happy some of the time
because they live in denial
it is a state of mind that you lie to yourself and create a fantasy
the problem is to live live way, a person has o rely on some sort of addiction to keep the cycle going
because when a feeling of shame or guilt come in, they have to run somewhere
the replay stage of MLC is loaded with addictions drugs alcohol spending affairs sex
vacations running running and more running
the only way off the addiction wheel is to get help or better
many MLC will not opt for that because it is too painful

The LBS lives in reality
many of us here opt to get help
go to therapy
change
find God
make a new life
help others
be available
get promotions, schooling, new jobs parent alone ect

Hang in
you will keep walking forward and soon step out of the pain and into a better place-

[skm0619]

skyhigh and peacetoday......thank you again as always for your encouragement.

My understanding is that he spends every night home alone in his house. He doesn't have another OW and rarely gets out much. This is what I am having a hard time with because if he isn't with OW (she is/was married, lives 3 hours away and is still with her H) or have a new OW, why doesn't he see that if he puts effort into making himself better and learning to work on himself then maybe he can see that our M was something worth having. I could understand if he was with someone else and was out enjoying life to the fullest, but he isn't. What that says to me is that he didn't really think our M was worth working on at all. Did those 11 years really mean nothing to him? Or have I made it so difficult for him to feel that it is safe to reach out to me because of my actions in the beginning? And, do I try to reach out to him because is that what he is waiting for? This is so confusing!!!

I got an email today from a previous support group that was talking about shame and guilt and it really explained things pretty well when it comes to why the unfaithful acts the way they do. It said:

"as long as the unfaithful spouse continues to remain paralyzed by his or her own self-absorption, their mate can’t truly heal. Shame doesn’t accept responsibility for the choices made, it is just another form of justification"

I learned today that he is going even further into debt. Is overdrawn on one of his accounts and is unable to pay some of his bills. When I look up MLC and all the things that can and do happen with them, H is definitely proving all of those right.

I will most certainly file my taxes separate from him. He has not lived in this house since Nov 2015 and the only thing that still has his name on it is the mortgage, but I have always paid that. I am not listed on any of his business accounts...thank goodness because that is one of the accounts he is overdrawn on.

ONE DAY AT A TIME......

[CaliGuy]

My understanding is that he spends every night home alone in his house. He doesn't have another OW and rarely gets out much. This is what I am having a hard time with because if he isn't with OW (she is/was married, lives 3 hours away and is still with her H) or have a new OW, why doesn't he see that if he puts effort into making himself better and learning to work on himself then maybe he can see that our M was something worth having. I could understand if he was with someone else and was out enjoying life to the fullest, but he isn't. What that says to me is that he didn't really think our M was worth working on at all. Did those 11 years really mean nothing to him? Or have I made it so difficult for him to feel that it is safe to reach out to me because of my actions in the beginning? And, do I try to reach out to him because is that what he is waiting for? This is so confusing!!!

skm

I am not completely caught up on your sitch but reading this paragraph I though maybe I could help you see things from a different perspective

Many LBS's ... myself included... fixate on the OP (OM/OW). I recall thinking if only the OM would choke on a breadstick all my worries would be done and my M restored. Then as I do with anything I learned more about MLC, I read, I exchanged ideas, I dove deeper into the psychology part .. I targeted MLCrs and LBSr's whose story was like mine and read those front to back looking for the magic bullet. After some time dealing with this I have walked away with a different perspective.

To answer your question he really can not face the M, you , nor the issues he really must face, the very one that sent him into the crisis. Like someone splashing around in the water ... he is drowning and panicking and the last thing he is thinking about is how to fix it all .... he is racing to try to stop the pain and so far nothing has worked. He must exhaust all these options before he can truly sit down and look in the mirror and realize maybe the problem is within himself.

The frustrating thing about all this for the LBS is it simply takes a great deal of time. They have blinders on and have no idea how to stop the pain so they spin out and leave the destruction in their wake .... we can not fix them, we have to let them go through this without our involvement with the hopes one day they can be whole again.

I came across something recently the other day and felt it applies to a MLCr and the OP, I will paraphrase a bit but it struck a chord in me.

When a MLCr is in crisis, their whole life is a facade, they have the urge to fool everyone, all the choices that have destroyed their family, the one thing they had that meant anything, they feel they need to justify and convince everyone around them it was the right choice, look how happy they are (THis is a lie they propel). They are trying to convince (OP) someone to fall in love with the person they have never discovered themselves.

[Sotto]

Yes I agree that OP or not - the MLCer looks back at the marriage and feels 'I don't want to go back 'there'' But 'there' isn't the marriage (though they think it is). 'There' is how bad they were feeling within themselves when they decided to blow up the marriage.

The thing is, once the marriage (and you) are out of the picture, they may find themselves feeling the same way again. It's that saying which I think is so important - wherever you go - there you are.

In a new R (with OP) there is an initial excitement, but - given some brokenness within both - it can be hard to translate that into a successful long term relationship. However, I would just be glad that there isn't an OP in the picture just now...truly for me the OP aspect has been such a painful one. Though I feel more even about it, her, him as more time passes....

Just keep moving forward and repairing, rebuilding your own life after the previous one was shattered by his choice to leave.

Xx

[skm0619]

Thanks for the very insightful responses Caliguy and Sotto

Caliguy, you are right when you say he cant face the M or me or all the other issues in his life. He has never been one to show emotion or be a person who wants to talk about the hard things in his life. I remember when we went to MC, before the BD, the therapist said to him "you are really going to have to start opening up if you want this to help" but he never really did. When he tried to speak about his A with his parents they didn't want to talk about it and his dad told him "I don't like to talk about things or get emotional" ...... must be where he learned it from. They also told him that they just wanted him to "move on" from all of this.

He has left a path of destruction and it has devastated me!! He knows he has done this but won't face the truth because then that would make him take a look at himself and I don't think he is ready to do that...and am not sure he ever will. I would hate to think that I was a person who was able to do that to another.

I know this is a HORRIBLE thing to say, but I really hope he falls on his A$$ so that he can get a glimpse of what it feels like to be in this position. I know he is trying to put on a good show for everyone and I'm sure they think his life is so good now that he is separated. I wouldn't put it past him to tell people he is so happy now, but in reality he and I both know he isn't.

I already know that things financially are not going his way and they will only get worse because that is how he has usually dealt with things in the past to make himself feel better was by spending money he doesn't have.

Sotto...I like what you said "the MLCer looks back at the marriage and feels 'I don't want to go back 'there' but 'there' isn't the marriage (though they think it is). 'There' is how bad they were feeling within themselves when they decided to blow up the marriage."

I can remember him saying to me "I just hoped that things would get better" and "I tried everything" but this was in the middle of him continuing the A, being deceptive and only doing what made HIM feel better. He couldn't and didn't want to see that it was going to take a lot of work on his part (and mine) to make things better. But instead he put it all on me...I was the reason things didn't work out.

The last time I spoke with him he said "he has been trying to tell me he is sorry but I won't let him".....what the H@LL does that mean? Just another way for him to continue to blame me.

We met with a different counselor once, who I continued to see after learning of the A, and that therapist said to me recently "your H is going to be a very lonely man and will live a very lonely life until he figures out how to change, but I honestly don't know if he ever will or is capable of that"

I know that I LOVE my H, but I also know that I don't like the person he is right now. But the sad thing is that I'm sure he is totally in love and like with himself.

All I can do is focus on me, but even after being separated for 14 months I still don't feel like I have made much progress

ONE DAY AT A TIME.....

[skyhigh]

So true, they want things to get better but but they don't want to put any work into it and, they keep doing what they feel they need to do while expecting us to transform ourselves into something else, thinking it might solve their issues...


In a previous post you talked about him having his name on the montage but also with in deep debts.
Who are the names on the house?
If his name is on it, his creditors can come after it and put a lien on your home, and you won't be able to stop them.
Ask your lawyer if the house is put under your name only (trust or something else). It will still be common property in case of a divorce since it was bought during your marriage. In that case you will need to explain the situation to your husband and he might see you still care for him. But the main goal is to protect yourself.

What do you do when you don't work?
Are you a member of an organization?
Do you volunteer?
Don't stay at home alone, find something that makes you feel good about yourself, it helps with the feelings of loneliness and self esteem. You might even meet "someone", you need to project your mind into the future. Even if you still love him, you need to start to be "selfish" about your needs. He doesn't define you. Show him that you are somebody others like to be with.

Big hug, remember put on that mascara on and smile, show a happy you to others. Happiness and smile attract positive people.