Long time lurker

[Hazy]

Yes TxHubby, I starting to think that too, but he is so good in reeling me in. I'm trying hard to detach and GAL. The scariest thing for me is taking the cake away and him being ok with if. It's time for me to move on though and take my chances.

[Gordie]

Do you still argue with him?

[Hazy]

I try not to, But unfortunately we still do at times. It's usually about the kids. Parenting differences. Sometimes it's about finances or just things I may or may not be doing that he doesn't agree with. They are not like they used to be when he decided to leave but it's still present sometimes. The problem is I don't see it as arguing but as disagreements about things and he sees it as stress. Of course he's not going to have these arguments with others because they don't have the same connections we have. It's aggravating.

[Gordie]

I'm making some assumptions based upon what you have said:

You still love your H and he still loves you but you have issues (the arguing one seems to be the biggest) that keeps you apart.

Your H has one foot out the door (separated and seeing OW) and one foot in the door (daily communication with you, financial and other help).

You still want to save your M, otherwise you wouldn't be posting on this site.

You can't change your H; you can only change you.

So what do you want to change about you? What do you dislike about Hazy that prevents you from being the best Hazy that you can be? Your H said he loves you but can't stand the arguments. Is there any validity in that? It sounds like you can't stand the arguments either because it is holding you back from your goal (saving your M), so how can you change that dynamic in yourself, without your H's participation? Does he feel like you don't listen to him? Does he feel like you don't value his opinion/input? Does he feel like you have to be right all the time/win every argument? Do you raise your voice/yell and scream/call him names?

[Hazy]

Gordie, have you been talking to my WH? LOL All of those things you mentioned about how WH feels about our marriage and me are right on the nose. He did mention all of those things when we separated and afterwards when we had relationship talks. We haven't had those talks in a while but he definitely had those concerns.

As far as me, I want to change how I feel about myself. I overthink everything and make things up in my head and then act on those thoughts. I want to GAL and be ok with or without WH. I want to learn how to handle his anxiety and not make matters worse because I feel insulted or controlled.

I've done very well lately not arguing and being happy and the best me around him. I can tell he likes this.

[Gordie]

Hazy,

hahahaha lol. One of the values of this board is the input I have received from women here as they have given me insight into my W's perspective on my situation. If I can do the same for you, great. Based upon what you've said, it's clear he hasn't given up on having. R with you. I think that makes your situations one of the more hopeful ones around here. I think some focus and work on you is needed. Why is your H the target of your anger? What was/is your R with your father? What about with other men? Do you also argue with women? If so, maybe you just have communication issues. How does your mother express her anger and fight? Are you angry about other issues in your life? Are you happy with your appearance, aging, your intellectual and professional goals? Your religious and social life?

[Hazy]

Sometimes I don't think he's given up on me either based on his actions however, his actions sometimes just destroy me. As far as arguing, I don't argue with others and I know it takes two to argue but I just don't know how to communicate with him when he becomes angry. I wish I had you in my ear today Gordie becasue I had another bad day with WH and I honestly can't see how I went wrong. But somehow, the other woman was made out to be a Saint and now I just can't stop crying.

Ever since I found out about WH gf, I have not pursued and I have followed DR to the tee. When I see that he is frustrated about one of the girls and he is venting to me I just validate and everything is ok.

He has been showing me more attention with phone calls and texts and even invited me out a few times. Once I accepted and the others I did not.

Fast forward to today. He invited me to go on a hike and I accepted. We went with a group of people and I could overhear him telling a fellow hiker (a stranger) stories of our past vacations. He was laughing and having a good time. On the drive to the hike he brought up his gf and said that she had a problem with him spending the day with me and that they had almost broken up a few weeks back because he came over to mow my yard. (I didn't ask he just did it one day I was at work) I just listened. He said he wasn't sure They would last much longer because he told her no one would stop him from doing things for me He did say he cared a lot for her but he didn't see them together long term. Then I said "it sounds like you do care for her" ) he said, yes I care for her but I would die for you. Which of course made me both angry, sad, and happy all at once. But I didn't show that. I just smiled.

We had a great hike and lunch afterwards. On the way home out of the blue he said "you know GF might introduce herself to you if she sees you out" and I said "if she does that she's only doing it to be hateful" he said that she isn't that way and I said "well that's the way I see it" and he just lost his cool after that. I tried very hard not to argue but I was not going to take back the way I felt. He insisted that I was wrong in what I was saying and that I would embarrass myself and he said a lot of other hateful things after that. And I yelled back which made it worse of course.

He of course brought up how I don't ever do anything for him and that I put him through hell when I was pursuing and that he just needs to let go of me completely. I told him that I thought it was for the best that he did because it causes him heartache and that I didn't do anything to deserve him yelling at me and screwing up a great day. Needless to say the long ride home was miserable and we left each other angry and him closer to his GF's arms. I guess this is what I get for spending any time with him alone.

At one point of us yelling I said "can't you just understand my point of view! That I'm still in love with my husband and I don't need to be meeting his GF! " he yelled back "well don't you think I'm still in love with you!" I said no that his actions didn't show it. He became angrier and said "everything I do for you and you say that, you are sick in the head"

I just need to let go. I hope you or someone can help me understand all of this.

[Gordie]

Hazy, you deserve a hug. Your H is as exasperating as my W.

The good: he is trying to love you through acts of service (mowing the lawn) and asking you to spend time with him; this is why I find your situation so hopeful...yet so frustrating.

The bad: you can't help yourself from arguing and yelling when your H says and does absolutely crazy things; you are letting his words and actions control you; this is really hard, but it is in your control.

The ugly: this is where your H and my W need to get locked up in a padded room: he expects you to accept the fact that he has a GF (my W has even suggested I will want to have her BF at our family birthdays and holidays); is this insanity, waywardness, MLC, who knows? What's the right way to respond? Yelling and screaming isn't working.

[Hazy]

You made me smile. Thank you.

Update: WH texted and said he was sorry for saying what he said and that I was right in saying that he should've never mentioned that about his GF. I apologized also, for arguing and yelling. He then proceeded to send me tons of photos he took of me during the hiking that I wasn't even aware he was taking. He drives me crazy. Where is the location of that padded room?

[Gordie]

More good news! Your H actually apologized to you? Maybe he still has a conscience? And men only take pictures of women they fancy and that's the truth!