Never good enough

[Seeker7]

My tablet and phone are password protected so I'm not really worried about that. Trying to figure out where to hide my DR book and journal. Would put them in my gun safe which is also password protected, but since its next to my bed and he's there, that's not going to work. How do people lie and cheat? This is a lot of work and I'm not even doing anything wrong

Form experience you can hide the book an journal in an obvious easy to access place. It is usually the last place people tend to look. Lying and cheating come very easy when you are in a fog and do not care. It actually is half of the excitement. It is the thrill of the ride. But when you come out of the fog then you regret it.

[Dawgs]

Hi Chewie!

I didn't say anything but felt like saying that isn't my problem.

It isn't your problem. It's his bed, let him clean it off.

He then asked if I wanted to figure out schedules like every other weekend. I said we'll work it out, but in my head I was screaming No! These are my children! I spend every waking hour with them. I take them every where. I stay up with them when they are sick. My life with my kids cannot be reduced to this!

I know exactly how you feel. Exactly. I want every single minute with mine, too. I can't fathom how my ex is content with talking with them a few minutes a night and not asking to use her full allotted time. That's OK, though. It's becoming apparent in the children. And I hate that.

Fully expecting some snooping to start on his end.

Don't be surprised if it already is.

My tablet and phone are password protected so I'm not really worried about that. Trying to figure out where to hide my DR book and journal. Would put them in my gun safe which is also password protected, but since its next to my bed and he's there, that's not going to work. How do people lie and cheat? This is a lot of work and I'm not even doing anything wrong

Hey, I have one of those by my bed, too!

People lie and cheat when they don't care. Period. And, as some have said, it may even be part of the excitement. In my case, mine was so "in love" with him that was all she wanted, but she knew the consequences of getting caught before being divorced. Some seek the thrill, and some truly do not care. Either way, it's f***ed up beyond belief.

[010207]

Ok so this is me asking for help.

#1, think I've been friend zoned. By my own stupid husband! God thats frustrating! Went to bed last night and he talked, told me who he was texting, what they were talking about and his plans for the weekend.

This morning he jumped on me about the mediator and money. He hasn't mentioned D in over a week. Tonight he came home rummaging through the mail. Apparently he opened a new credit card along with those new bank accounts and he's waiting to get it. Not only that but he applied for a large loan and got the money literally within hours. With the bills he's "planning " to pay it had to be at least $20,000.

Now I don't know if he's a WW, MLC or possibly bipolar. Spending large amounts of money is a symptom of bipolar, but he doesn't seem to be in mania anymore. He's very calm in his interactions with me and we haven't been out of the house together since New Years so I have no idea how he's behaving with others.

He sat at the table and said he was using some of the money to pay the mediator. I said I need to know the time frames you're working with so I can make plans. He said he's not in a rush, but plans to be gone by March. I said, if we are refinancing or selling the house, that is short time frame. At this point he started getting upset and saying if I would just get a new job it wouldn't put such a burden on him. He really believes his financial station in life is all my fault and when I'm gone he'll be swimming in it.

Cut to the end, mind you I had a calm business tone the entire time (small pat on the back) and said I understand that you have a new life and you want to get on with it. (Que the eye roll from H) But you made a commitment here first. I don't have the answers but we'll figure it out.

Then I walked away. I'm hurt, but not as much as I was before. Last week I would have been a sobbing mess. I don't want to lose my H but I think I'm preparing for it better. Financially I am a nervous wreck. I think it's time to call a lawyer which just puts another nail in the coffin for the marriage.

That all being said. I'm feeling lost. I know there must be more I can do. Things I'm doing wrong. I just am unsure how to proceed.

I've started GAL. I thought he was upset by this but he told my kids he didn't care.

I've done 180's. I've lost weight. I work out daily. I make sure I'm put together every day vs. hair in a ponytail and no make up

I've distanced myself so far that we rarely talk.

I don't snoop or ask questions. Hence the financial bomb drops.

None of these things are working. They actually seem to be backfiring. Suggestions please.

[010207]

I feel I need to add, during all of this I have never expressed that I want to work on our marriage. He never asked. This came on so quickly that we went from a decent MR to not speaking overnight.

After his previous EA's I've told him that I will not fight for him. If he ever decided the grass was greener he could have at it. Guess he took me at my word.

We have always had a relationship where we talked openly with no filter so very often feelings were hurt. Usually mine. But I no longer feel I can talk to him or tell him I'd like to work on this.

[ForGump]

Sounds awful. I swear just when I think my own situation is awful I see so many others experiencing such pain.

I'm sure others will pitch in some good advice here, but I'd suggest:

a) detach -- he's going to be all over the place; don't mirror it. Be warm, cordial, calm but detached. At the very least, for your own sanity.

b) keep working on being a great woman, someone that your H would be a fool to leave.

c) do some research on the divorce process in your state, to understand how things work. Get recommendations for a lawyer from people you know, and get an initial consultation so you have a basic idea of how your divorce would work. This will make you feel empowered. Just because you're studying this doesn't mean you have to take a hostile legal position. You can still aim for an amicable divorce (if that's what it comes to), while knowing what your rights are.

d) if you can, find a good therapist for yourself. This will help you get through the toughest times when you need support, when you need someone to talk to about various details you can't post here.

e) find ways to have some time for yourself. Either by yourself, or with a good, wise friend or two. You need that space to be able to think and feel.

f) think about what your boundaries are. If he's incurring debt or somehow jeopardizing your family's financial future, is that a boundary for you?

Sorry these are all pretty general. I don't have any clever ideas.

[Dawgs]

Hi Chewie!

#1, think I've been friend zoned. By my own stupid husband! God thats frustrating! Went to bed last night and he talked, told me who he was texting, what they were talking about and his plans for the weekend.

Ugh. Sorry to hear that. Who was he texting?

He sat at the table and said he was using some of the money to pay the mediator. I said I need to know the time frames you're working with so I can make plans. He said he's not in a rush, but plans to be gone by March. I said, if we are refinancing or selling the house, that is short time frame. At this point he started getting upset and saying if I would just get a new job it wouldn't put such a burden on him. He really believes his financial station in life is all my fault and when I'm gone he'll be swimming in it.

Some of the money to pay the mediator? Mine was only $200. Don't feel alone, mine blames me for financials, too.

Cut to the end, mind you I had a calm business tone the entire time (small pat on the back) and said I understand that you have a new life and you want to get on with it. (Que the eye roll from H) But you made a commitment here first. I don't have the answers but we'll figure it out.

Then I walked away. I'm hurt, but not as much as I was before. Last week I would have been a sobbing mess. I don't want to lose my H but I think I'm preparing for it better. Financially I am a nervous wreck. I think it's time to call a lawyer which just puts another nail in the coffin for the marriage.

Good for you on keeping things calm! See, you are doing much better! Good on ya! Yes, its time to call the lawyer. I bet your lawyer would find his current financial stuff very interesting. At least mine did.

None of these things are working. They actually seem to be backfiring. Suggestions please.

You know, mine did the same, too. Everything backfired. Everything. Everyone is different, so what works for some doesn't for others. In my case, the advice given here actually pushed mine further away - but then again it was her mental issues that led her to think that my 180s, GALing, etc., was me saying that I didn't give a damn about her, thus pushing her further away. Not sure if I'd have done the opposite if it would have worked.

You are on a good path. One foot in front of the other and don't look at the ground.

[Dawgs]

[quotedo some research on the divorce process in your state, to understand how things work. Get recommendations for a lawyer from people you know, and get an initial consultation so you have a basic idea of how your divorce would work. This will make you feel empowered. Just because you're studying this doesn't mean you have to take a hostile legal position. You can still aim for an amicable divorce (if that's what it comes to), while knowing what your rights are.][/quote]

I agree with this. Talking with my lawyer really, really opened my eyes. Do your research on lawyers - and the old axiom of what you pay for is what you get is very true.

[010207]

This morning he's bouncing around the house singing. Made me want to punch him in the face. Obviously can't do that, but the fantasy was good for a second.

Gump, thank you. All ideas are welcome. I'm doing my best with detaching. I'm just feeling like maybe that's half my problem. Maybe he's looking for me to show that I want him here. That he's needed. I don't know.

As for being a woman only a fool would leave, my post title says it all. I have never been good enough. I still have emails from him apologizing for this. He knows no matter what I do, he wants the opposite or just simply more. I have to say, I am not perfect but I am a good person, a good mother and I was a damn good wife!

This money issue is becoming a boundary. If he pays the bills then ok. But if he doesn't or accumulates more debt, I'm done. My house was almost foreclosed twice before because of his spending during manic periods. I'm too damn old to keep going through that crap.

Morning Jeep. He was texting some guy. He's mentioned him recently but I don't know him so he must be a new friend. Probably another gym rat. Probably single. New friend wants to buy a pistol this week and go to the range with H. This had been our activity and now I'm being left in the dust.

[Dawgs]

Hi Chewie,

This morning he's bouncing around the house singing. Made me want to punch him in the face. Obviously can't do that, but the fantasy was good for a second.

I agree, that fantasy is good. I've thought about that numerous while the ex did the whole singing bit.

He knows no matter what I do, he wants the opposite or just simply more.

This struck me. Let me ask a difficult question. It almost seems as there is a comparison to someone/something. I can't put my finger on it, but its like he is comparing you to someone he put on a pedestal. Could this be true or am I reading it wrong.

Also, I'm seeing shades of my ex in him. How was his past?

He was texting some guy. He's mentioned him recently but I don't know him so he must be a new friend. Probably another gym rat. Probably single. New friend wants to buy a pistol this week and go to the range with H. This had been our activity and now I'm being left in the dust.

Gotcha. I need to get back to the range. Maybe this weekend when the kids are down there. Sending rounds downrange is ALWAYS helpful.

[010207]

We were together so young that while he had other girlfriends, none would have left that kind of impression.

He was very close to his mother but now can't stand her. His childhood was good in the sense that his parents were there and treated him well. But his mother had an abusive childhood and her coping mechanism was to clean. To this day at any given time you could eat off her floor. Her home is more museum than livable. Footprint impression on her rug would throw her into a tizzy. There was no family or children time, it was all about her. She was always well dressed (think high fashion) and put together. During their almost 40 year marriage, her H never saw her without makeup even when they went to bed.

I think H has always had a hard time separating the fact that his parents had money and we don't. It's a hard adjustment. So he lays the blame at my feet.

Depending on the day, he wants a woman who is a fitness model (not me), or a tatted up girl with piercings and dyed hair (also not me). Sometimes he wants the girl next door - me.

My background is different. I didn't come from money and have no expectations. I make due with what I have. My family is very kid oriented and so my focus is on them. its very hard to be around his family, they would completely forget the children entirely if I wasn't there.

His complaints to me since this started is that he feels trapped.

We got together too young and he wouldn't make the same choices now.

I work from home, which he hates.

I don't make enough money and he's tired of carrying the load. We could have had so much more if I would have done better.

While my house is picked ip and "clean", I have 3 kids and 2 dogs so it's definitely not his mother's house. Which is also an issue I think.

He hasn't yet made any comments about my appearance, but I already know that's an underlying issue.

I can only fix so much.

I'd like to go to the range too, but I've never gone by myself and quite honestly, I'm afraid to. He knows more than I and if I have a problem, he always fixed it.