Gordie: Pulling it all together

[Seeker7]

It was a failing marriage that served as a motivating factor to look upward, as we both failed to succeed in our own strength. It was his plan for marriage that helped ease the issues. Submission was not as hard as failure of our marriage. While the issues still exist, we now have a reason to set them aside. It's all a test. Of this I am convinced.
K

This is so true. I see this all the time on here and in my life that those who have had faith in the past and get side tracked in life and do not look to God first. He puts things in our path to wake us up to reality and as long as we put Him first then he will take care of our needs.

Through our greatest struggles in life is where we grow the most. Without struggles we would never grow much.

[Dawgs]

Through our greatest struggles in life is where we grow the most. Without struggles we would never grow much

I like this. A lot.

[Gordie]

***Genesis 2:24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. This is why we struggle with separation and divorce. It's kinda hard to undo Gods design. We can deny it, but not undo it.***

Yes!!!

***It was a failing marriage that served as a motivating factor to look upward, as we both failed to succeed in our own strength. It was his plan for marriage that helped ease the issues. Submission was not as hard as failure of our marriage. While the issues still exist, we now have a reason to set them aside. It's all a test. Of this I am convinced.***

If this is a test, I feel like I am failing...

***While I credit Michelle for opening my eyes to what and who I was, I give God the credit and glory for what happened in my marriage. DB was the book I found in the book store and speed read in one night over a double espresso. Some angels on this BB helped open my eyes to the WAW phenom and helped me re-center. The rest was up to me as each situation is unique. It took years for me to really understand the dynamics the best that I am able.***

KentS, that is inspiring. This crisis has definitely brought me to my knees in prayer and closer to God than I have felt in years...two contemporary Christian songs are on repeat for me these days: I Trust In You and In The Eye of the Storm.

[Gordie]

This is so true. I see this all the time on here and in my life that those who have had faith in the past and get side tracked in life and do not look to God first. He puts things in our path to wake us up to reality and as long as we put Him first then he will take care of our needs. Through our greatest struggles in life is where we grow the most. Without struggles we would never grow much.

Seeker7--thank you for your words of encouragement and inspiration; I'm struggling...so I guess I'm growing, whether I like it or not.

[Seeker7]

That is a good thing to grow. I heard the other day that God wants to teach us long suffering and patience. But the only way to learn those is to be patient through long suffering. That is the way I am looking at it now.

[Dawgs]

But the only way to learn those is to be patient through long suffering. That is the way I am looking at it now.

One thing for sure, all of this does teach patience whether we want it to or not.

[Gordie]

So I've been up and down emotionally these past few days and discouraged that my DB efforts are doing nothing to derail my W's plans to S or D. Today, I had my latest DB coaching appointment and it was encouraging:

Gordie: Am I on the right track? I feel like I am failing because my W still wants a separation or divorce.

Coach: You are doing the right thing in terms of creating emotional connection and loving your W in her love language (time and attention) and that it is making W doubt what she wants. W is waffling: saying she wants a D, then saying she wants a S, now back to saying she wants a D; being highly critical of our sex life and yet initiating passionate sex; saying she wants space and freedom, but then getting upset with if Gordie is not there for her.

Gordie: Okay, but she is still dead set on separation and divorce; should I change tactics?

Coach: No, because things are getting better. In terms of tactics, ask yourself is what you are doing making things better or worse? If better, stick with that tactic. Can you be patient? You are going to have to be really, really patient. For some spouses, they actually have to go through with the S or D before they realize they have made a mistake. Can you be that patient?

Gordie: How do I respond when she makes provocative statements when I strongly disagree?

Coach: Agree/validate; when you disagree or argue, then it makes W hold onto her beliefs more strongly. Example: W says D will bring us closer together; Gordie disagrees or argues...instead Gordie should just say, so you think D will bring us closer (and then STFU).

Gordie: W keeps insisting that we will be BFFs (with benefits) after divorce; and I don't know if I can do that; how should I respond?

Coach: Validate and be honest: I know you want to be friends after we D and I want to be friends with you too, but I honestly don't know if I will be able to do that.

Gordie: How should I respond when she asks me how I feel?

Coach: You should be honest and tell her how you feel. W's major complaint with Gordie is that you are emotionally disconnected. Gordie doesn't usually open up to W about his emotions, so when she asks, she is trying to connect to you.

Gordie: How else can I improve my communication with my W?

Coach: You need to be less confident and certain. W complains that you think you are smarter than W and you talk down to W. Learn to say I don't know, I'm not sure, I have no idea and I'm not an expert...and Do you know? What do you think? When you are making decisions, don't give your opinion/answer first; leave space for her to think for herself.

Gordie: Should I continue ignoring the POM?

Coach: Yes. POM is going to make some stupid mistakes and you need to be the better choice.

Gordie: What else should I be doing?

Coach: Your W is in MLC, she is seeking excitement, and she finds you boring. You need to figure out how to surprise her, how to make her laugh, how to make her think she doesn't really know you, that you can be spontaneous and not utterly predictable, and that if she comes back to you that her life won't be boring.

[ForGump]

G--

So many things you wrote resonated w/ my situation....

For some spouses, they actually have to go through with the S or D before they realize they have made a mistake.

Does your W have a history of making impulsive, or emotion-based choices? Has she had difficulty exploring complex situations and their outcomes in her mind, or does she need to jump into things to understand?

Coach: You need to be less confident and certain. W complains that you think you are smarter than W and you talk down to W.

Good advice for me, too. I need to let her win her arguments, let her know I respect her opinions.

Coach: Yes. POM is going to make some stupid mistakes

Or... she'll realize he has zero interest in her and she only fantasized it?

Have you learned any more about the POM that makes you think he is indeed more than a delusion?

Coach: Your W is in MLC, she is seeking excitement, and she finds you boring. You need to figure out how to surprise her, how to make her laugh, how to make her think she doesn't really know you, that you can be spontaneous and not utterly predictable

I need to dwell on this.

[Gordie]

Or... she'll realize he has zero interest in her and she only fantasized it?

Have you learned any more about the POM that makes you think he is indeed more than a delusion?

No, I have not. I decided two months ago that discussing POM was not doing any good, so we haven't discussed him. The only time W brought up POM was when we were discussing alimony and that her L informed her that I would be free of alimony obligations if she cohabitates or remarries. This reality upset her fantasy greatly as she cannot have a serious cohabitating/marriage relationship with POM and her current lifestyle.

[Gordie]

Does your W have a history of making impulsive, or emotion-based choices? Has she had difficulty exploring complex situations and their outcomes in her mind, or does she need to jump into things to understand?

My pre-MLC W was conservative and not compulsive at all; now she says that type of thinking is bondage. The MLC W thinks impulsive, emotion-based choices = following your heart = the path to happiness. Is there a happy, middle ground between the two?