There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Use that to contact me - give me a heads up sometime. Have some things I won't post on here just yet due to the situations sensitivity with the ex and what recently happened over the weekend
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
My ex has stated many times she wants to "be friends" through it all. I do think that she has used that in some form to guilt me to agreeing with her.
One of the more pressing issues - financials - caused her to say that if I were to take a certain route, it would lead to bad feelings. That certain route would be me getting part of her retirement, to which I'm entitled to.
But it's not just about the retirement or money, every time something comes up that could disrupt her world, she goes back to that "friendly" escape, so to speak. I know she is playing on my emotions, but how does one deal with that? Sometimes I wonder if she is being genuine, or if she is just trying to say anything to get her way.
For instance, the most recent event was when one of her family members slandered me on a public forum. I told the ex that I didn't hold it against her, but at the same time it was unacceptable and that the next time it would be dealt with and left it at that. Her response was that she was done. I didn't ask her what it was and left it alone. I assume she was using the "threat" of her really being done in trying to get me to lighten up or whatever. I just didn't say anything else.
What should I have done?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
In the context of my WH, I know what the 'friends' malarkey is all about. It's about assuaging his guilt. In his mind, if I agree to be 'friends', then he doesn't have to feel so bad about what he's done because I'm obviously not so hurt that I can't still be 'friends' with him.
This fits with his self perception that he's a nice guy, a 'good person', and also helps him in the rationalisation that I don't disagree with being left so much, and it is, as he keeps arguing, in all of our best interests, including our 3 year old son's.
Barf puke. MASSIVE eye roll.
I've learned over the years there's a difference between being 'friends' and being 'friendly'. You can be very friendly with someone you are absolutely not friends with.
What our spouses have done to us, they wouldn't have done to their normal 'friends', let alone the one person they were supposed to love, honour and protect. So it makes me so angry when I hear this kind of statement.
So maybe it's just a matter of semantics - when she next brings up this crap, just understand she's confused between the difference between being 'friends' and 'friendly'.
With regards to what you should have done re the slander... Hmm. I think what you did do was perfectly reasonable and I would have done exactly the same thing. I read her response as one of two possibilities - she's manipulating you by threatening you with imminent departure everytime you bring up something that makes her unhappy - she's keeping you in line - or she's just 'done' with negativity. It may be that she's under stress and she just doesn't want to talk about anything that isn't about rainbows and unicorns in a glittery pink universe where we are all 'friends'.
Its funny how perspective changes over time, from what we thought was so important to things we never would have considered.
When I was in the midst of the darkest times I drove myself hard to find any evidence to support the gut feeling of her affair. It was like an obsession that drove me just about over the cliff. I'm not exactly sure why I did that. I still loved my wife and wanted to get her back, but I'm not sure why I drove myself that hard. Anything that could be done, I did it. Now, looking back, I don't have an answer as to why. I do feel that the not knowing may be what pushed me. I do find myself wondering now just what I would have done if I did find out during that time. Maybe it's a good thing that I got out of that mindset when I did actually find out. Who knows.
I still miss my ex wife. I miss the good times we had and I suspect I always will. I miss the times when the world was right. You know? An old friend (whom I'll call T) from when we were stationed in a far away place called me last night and we had a nice, long talk about how things are and were. T had told me that she first noticed a changes in my ex around the time we found out we were having a girl. Small changes at first, but changes nonetheless. I noticed some, but not much. Whenever I questioned the ex, she lied as usual. However, when my D reached the age my ex's abuse started, that's when T told me she noticed the biggest change. She had said it was almost like a light switched had been flipped. I noticed that, too. But the ex refused to fill me in, just making convincing excuses. Sigh.
I'm still learning who I am. Looking back, I never saw the forest but just concentrated on pockets of trees - some consumed me beyond belief. Now I see the forest and the path that created it. There is still much sadness around that, because I know that things could have been different...and that is something that still haunts me, even now.
I'm finally in a place where I can look back without breaking down. It's almost like I'm looking in on someone else's life now. I see things objectively. But I still have trust issues. Maybe that will ease over time. Maybe it won't. I wonder if the ex really didn't destroy my trust as much as I thought she did due to her past. Maybe that is the case. Maybe the ex was just doing the only thing she knew to do and how she knew to do it. Maybe she's stuck in survival mode. I don't have that answer, and maybe never will.
A friend once asked me would I take my ex back if she would seek the real help she needs and made an effort to recommit. I would. But I can't wait or hope for that to happen, because deep down I know she won't. She's moved on and I don't matter any more. It is what it is.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
This fits with his self perception that he's a nice guy, a 'good person', and also helps him in the rationalisation that I don't disagree with being left so much, and it is, as he keeps arguing, in all of our best interests, including our 3 year old son's.
Wow. This seems so much like my ex's mindset. She thinks she is such a 'good person' that she can't do any wrong.
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So maybe it's just a matter of semantics - when she next brings up this crap, just understand she's confused between the difference between being 'friends' and 'friendly'.
Thank you for that. I never would have even considered that maybe she is just confused between the two.
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With regards to what you should have done re the slander... Hmm. I think what you did do was perfectly reasonable and I would have done exactly the same thing. I read her response as one of two possibilities - she's manipulating you by threatening you with imminent departure everytime you bring up something that makes her unhappy - she's keeping you in line - or she's just 'done' with negativity. It may be that she's under stress and she just doesn't want to talk about anything that isn't about rainbows and unicorns in a glittery pink universe where we are all 'friends'.
You know, on more than one occasion early after BD and even up to the divorce, she had mentioned that she thinks we can be really good friends and all would be good. Maybe her glittery pink universe isn't really matching her reality.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
***My ex has stated many times she wants to "be friends" through it all.***
In my situation, I don't have a problem with this theoretically, but from what you say, I could see it being problem for you (given the lies and lack of trust).
***I do think that she has used that in some form to guilt me to agreeing with her.***
If you feel she is manipulating you, then she is probably manipulating you.
***One of the more pressing issues - financials - caused her to say that if I were to take a certain route, it would lead to bad feelings. That certain route would be me getting part of her retirement, to which I'm entitled to.***
On this stuff, you have to follow your instincts (and your L's advice). I think there's a spectrum of responses, from being a doormat to being fair to being an a$$. As others have said, everyone loses.
***But it's not just about the retirement or money, every time something comes up that could disrupt her world, she goes back to that "friendly" escape, so to speak. I know she is playing on my emotions, but how does one deal with that? Sometimes I wonder if she is being genuine, or if she is just trying to say anything to get her way.***
Again, if you feel like you are being manipulated, then you are probably being manipulated. XW can stil play with your emotions!
***For instance, the most recent event was when one of her family members slandered me on a public forum. I told the ex that I didn't hold it against her, but at the same time it was unacceptable and that the next time it would be dealt with and left it at that.***
If it was one of her family member's over whom she has no control, why did you bring this up at all with her? What was the point? And what did you mean by it being dealt with?
***Her response was that she was done. I didn't ask her what it was and left it alone. I assume she was using the "threat" of her really being done in trying to get me to lighten up or whatever. I just didn't say anything else.***
I'm not sure what she was done means. She was done with the conversation? She is done with trying to be your friend? When I don't know what to say or feel like I'm about to say the wrong thing, I think of Caliguys' STFU smoothie and take a big gulp.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Again, if you feel like you are being manipulated, then you are probably being manipulated. XW can stil play with your emotions!
Yeah.... I know, I know...
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If it was one of her family member's over whom she has no control, why did you bring this up at all with her? What was the point? And what did you mean by it being dealt with?
Good question. I did it because she has some influence over this crazy person. Dealt with would not have been good. I'd have opened a few eyes and shut that down.
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When I don't know what to say or feel like I'm about to say the wrong thing, I think of Caliguys' STFU smoothie and take a big gulp.
I like this. A lot!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Before we separated, my wife suggested the friend thing. I've forgotten exactly what I said, but I think it was something like, "F**k that noise!" Apparently that worked.
