Help - Setting Boundaries, WW in EA - Thread #2

[Gordie]

Then, just before settling down to sleep, WW said she loved me. I said she had a funny way of showing it. She said it was true, nevertheless. My final response was 'what do you expect me to say to that' and she said she didn't expect me to say anything.

Wow. This is an awesome response. Can I borrow that one?

[Woke_Up]

Then, just before settling down to sleep, WW said she loved me. I said she had a funny way of showing it. She said it was true, nevertheless. My final response was 'what do you expect me to say to that' and she said she didn't expect me to say anything.

Wow. This is an awesome response. Can I borrow that one?

Feel free Gordie

[Woke_Up]

OK, so today is slowly crucifying me. It shouldn't be, I should be ready fo it, but I'm not.

So WW sends me a txt msg on journey home saying she only has a small amount of money left in her account, and needs to get stuff for D's birthday, so we'll make do with the food we have in the house.

I say ok, I have a similar amount in mine, and a bit in the business account, what is left for D's birthday, we can split it between us. She lists the things but no costs, so I'm not sure.

Then she sends a message when I'm nearly home saying we should sell the house, as it's risky living in one we can't afford (we can afford it, we have just not been any good at saving up this year). Her view is that the bills are too expensive, the mortgage is too expensive and I may not be able to find a job at some point (all valid concerns, I guess).

When I get home, she has prepared to sleep in the spare room - made up the mattress on the floor (bed frame arrives on Saturday), moved the things from her bedside table in there.

She talks about the money, says it is difficult as she has no control over things, only gets so much per month with the wages from my company - I pointed out that she had had more than double her wages already this month (selective memory forgetting she blew her wages on day 1 with the new bed). Then she starts talking about how she should have never given up her council house which she was living in when we met. That it's OK for me, I have a good job, she has nothing. I tried to point out that she doesn't have nothing, but struggling to validate her today. She also said that she had to go to the spare room, and didn't even get to keep her bathroom!! I'm sorry, but I can't validate that bs. That's just entitlement, with no regard for the months I spent on the floor in D's room or the months in the spare room, including after BD.

She wanted me to see if D can spend the school half term break at my parents, so we can blitz the garden and get the house on the market. I told her I'm not sure I want to rush into it yet.

I guess she is thinking about separation, but hasn't said it. Or she is testing me because I have been withdrawn today. I am still feeling it from yesterday, in fact I am feeling worse than I have for a while.

All of this just fills me with sadness. It makes me feel lost, and the thought of my family not being together is unbearable. I know that I could cope. But my D, and the effect it would have on her breaks my heart.

I have another job interview tomorrow for a new contract, and I need to be preparing for that, but this is such a distraction. I know I should just let what she says wash over me (believe nothing of what they say), but it is difficult. Why she has to decide to talk about selling up when I'm trying to focus on getting a new contract, it's just typical.

Anyway, I am just letting her get on with it. Time for me to eat dinner, do interview prep, and get some decent sleep if I can.

[Surfer]

Woke_Up,

Pay no mind to what she says. It is all fabricated. She wants to be separate and free. She has this idea that the grass is greener. It is not. She will use her fabricated stories to justify her destination and her gas-lighting and spew to convince you. Listen, validate but treat 100% of everything she says as a lie - it most likely is. A lot of what she does is also. She will rage and spew if she can not get you to follow her lies, due to frustration. Stand firm.

This is a sh!tty time. You just stand firm. Don't let her get in your head. If she is exercise to get her out. Then keep her out. Forget her as your W, you must stop wanting her (as she is). You need to see her for what she has become, not what she was. Let this new person go and then decide if the old W can come back. She may not.

You are being an amazing Dad. Remember that. Be the best version of you for your D, SS and you. The crazy one IS NOT YOU!! She will try to make you feel like it is. She has perhaps learned this behaviour. Stand strong matey!!!

Surfer.

[Woke_Up]

Thanks Surfer.

I have just been reading some of Sandi2's threads for the LBH, and she has it spot on. I still need to work on getting my balls back, I'm too afraid of the conflict within the house - that's why I am having trouble with boundaries as there is no way in shielding the kids from the conflict easily.

I'd be interested in hearing from some of the other LBS's on what boundaries they put in place while still living under the same roof.

I know I've gone on about WW skyping OM from within the house, but I'm not even sure that's an enforceable boundary. I could go to the effort of scanning the home network and working out which device is her new phone, but then I have to catch her in the act again, and I only did that by snooping. I really screwed it up on Sunday by not being able to enforce it.

I think I will work on the disrespect side, which is rampant. Pick her up on it every time she resorts to insults etc.

The other thing I need to do is stop being her errand boy... years of conditioning is hard to break, deep breath, off I go...

Anyway, spoke to L today. Helped knowing the actual legalities of our situation. Being not married, there is no spousal maintenance should we split. Child support would be a given. Joint house would be 50/50 as would any savings or joint debts. She could force a house sale if she really wanted, but she couldn't force me out without some sort of court order and a damn good reason. And if it was viewed that she had enough from the sale of the house to provide a roof over hers and the kids heads, there would be no additional order for providing that.

I don't want it to get to that, but part of me thinks that my W is so hard headed and stubborn (by her own admission, even if it hurts her) that it may take something as serious as S to get her to even self reflect - plus I know that if I move to S then I have to be ready for S and not just hoping it will shake her out of the EA.

On the plus side, good interview today. Hopefully have a new contract soon. Training tonight, work out some of this angst.

[Woke_Up]

Oh, found a way to enforce the internet boundary. I do not recommend throwing the router out of the window though.

Lost the plot. My bad.

I will have to see if it works, otherwise I'm penalising kids. I have spare routers lying about the place, fortunately.

Anyway, WW described this as punishment - is it? Or is it a consequence? And what is the difference?

I'll fill in more details tomorrow

W-U

[Rose888]

Seems like punishment to me. Also patronizing.

Adults do not control other adults' access to the Internet, phone, etc.

[Woke_Up]

Point taken, Rose. Thanks for your viewpoint. So, if my boundary is that she doesn't contact OM inside the house, how would I enforce it or what would be the appropriate consequence?

I guess I'm thinking of it as me paying to enable her, but probably shouldn't be thinking in those terms when she is a SAHM and the unwritten agreement is that I provide financially and she provides the home/care element.

I guess the enforcement is that I withdraw further from her, to protect myself from the feeling of being abused by her actions.

[Rose888]

I think withdrawal is the only enforcement option you have.

[Woke_Up]

I think withdrawal is the only enforcement option you have.

You're right. I've failed at it so far, every time I think I'm ready I get sucked back in.

In reality, I can't stop her from contacting him from within the house, the consequence was that she would have to pay for her contact by using phone data rather than me paying for it, however that doesn't protect me or my boundaries - well, depends whether it actually causes her to think and take this thing outside. I'd guess behaviour to date indicates she won't do that.

OK, should I apologise for reacting in this way and say it was an inappropriate response or should I just reinstate it without saying anything? Or say my reaction was inappropriate without apologising? I'm not very good at this stuff. I don't feel particularly sorry, but I am still angry and upset about it.