Intentional Abuse. Boundaries and Self-Improvement

[Cherry]

You sound like you are coming on leaps and bounds. Take time to think about if a D is what you really want, no one can ever say you haven't tried to make things work.

I'm glad to hear that you are co parenting well. I feel I'm doing an absolute solo mission!

[Surfer]

Thanks Roist and Cherry.

Roist it has been at least 6-7 years I have been going through this. I feel the last 3 have been hell. But as of the last 6 months or so I have really felt myself changing. I have taken steps back but I really have zero attachment to my W now. I do care for her and love her as the mother of my children but not as a W. I sometimes wonder if my feelings could come back and of course this is possible. However this is very, very unlikely as even if I changed my mindset it would take my W to do the same and this may not happen at all (most likely will not).

Cherry, I think whether you feel you are moving on as a solo parent or co-parenting it's the fact you are moving on that is important. I expect at some point your WH will come to the table and be involved more. Although at this stage I would not dwell on this. I am so impressed with the strength you have shown for you children. Keep it up.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Crikey,

Just had a conversation with the STBXW - she called following a text to suggest send details of properties so we can start to budget as her and kids need something more permanent than this (renting) - is everything an opportunity for a rant? Crikey. Got the nice 'sweet' convo first then the bile spilled. LoL. Typical.

Validate, STFU Surfer. Exit gracefully, move on. Time for a nudge from the solicitor I think. I just don't want to have a messy D, but if she does, not much I can do other than follow L advice. Ah well. Onwards and upwards.....

Surfer.

[doodler]

Validate, STFU Surfer. Exit gracefully, move on. Time for a nudge from the solicitor I think. I just don't want to have a messy D, but if she does, not much I can do other than follow L advice. Ah well. Onwards and upwards.....

Surfer,

With regard to not wanting a messy divorce; after my divorce, if you'd asked me, I would have said that the separation and divorce was relatively tame and sedate. However, when I took my sons to see their post-divorce counselor, I found out that my XW thought the separation and divorce was filled with strife and nastiness. I don't know how to account for the wide gulf in our perceptions, but that just illustrates that two people can have very different impressions of the same situation. C'est la vie.

[Dawgs]

However, when I took my sons to see their post-divorce counselor, I found out that my XW thought the separation and divorce was filled with strife and nastiness. I don't know how to account for the wide gulf in our perceptions, but that just illustrates that two people can have very different impressions of the same situation.

Well, for one thing remember their mindset. What may very well tame and drama-free, is exactly the opposite in their mind. Heck, during our mediation, the ex was posting on social media that she needed everyone's prayers because she was getting taken to the cleaners and that I was being unfair.

[Surfer]

Thanks Jeep & Doodler. All good insight. I will keep this in mind.

Regards,

Surfer.

[Cherry]

In my experience, yes, everything is absolutely an opportunity for a rant. Every opportunity to spill some bile at us is grabbed with both hands. I feel at times like wh actually hates me, even though I do nothing to warrant this. But it's just their mindset, rather than look inwards (god forbid); they would sooner turn their attention over to us and blame us for everything wrong with the world.

It may be my thoughts as an independent woman, but I think it's totally wrong of your w to expect that she can still rely on your finances to fund her life for something SHE wanted. They can't expect to have the best of both worlds. Keep strong like you say, it might not necessarily be what you want but following the advise of your L would be the best. So long as the children won't suffer (I know you wouldn't see that happen); then she will have to figure out how else she can find her lifestyle, this is the decision that she has made, so she should figure out how she is going to navigate her way through this.

[bigybiz]

Surfer: I wanted to check in and see if you are still trying the Love Languages experiment? Sorry if I've fallen behind.

[Surfer]

Thanks Cherry.

Bigybiz - LL's help. But in between the nice times are the nasty spews. I don't want the R with this abuse - my boundary is to not chose an abusive R. Therefore dropped the LL's.

Surfer.

[roist]

I see them as separate entities.

She treats you badly, you have a boundary in place to protect you. That was your choice not to have R with her.

How you treat her and everyone else for that matter should be based on how you want to treat them and not about how they deserve to be treated. Make it about you with no motive to influence W.

Best wishes