Journey to the D

[Tofbrks]

Could someone a little more savy than me link my 2 threads from the new comers forum please?

Previous Threads from Newcomers:

My little slice of Life...

My little slice of life 2


6 months out from ww leaving the house...has been quite a learning experience. Ww is ahead full with om who started in January... "talking"

I am dealing with bouts of anger and resentment at the pace of her new relationship. Know there is nothing I can do about it , just dissapointed in her haste to involve kids , posting crap on social media and parading this guy around at the church we attended. We are still married and everyone knows she was in an affair since she had to step down from a board position. This church is where we were Married and kids baptized. So anyhoo ...
Two events really got to me and now I've been labeled bitter and angry .. somewhat justified but when I feel as though I've been wronged .. sorry I'm gonna get mad..
She invited him to church xmas play that my 8yo was in.. then recently she had him come to the ER while 14yp daughter was having episodes that scared us all.

Really trying to move forward and know forgiveness is the key to this but not quite there yet. I do realize that I need to work on myself as no good marriage ends in divorce. Now on the other side she never admits anything was really wrong with her .. I was miserable and made her "feel" a certain way - thought she'd never be happy again and I was the cause- so she looked elsewhere for her "happiness".

My sister who I've come to lean on lately gave me another perspective on things..telling me I would have never left this marriage no matter how bad it was (kids).. so she did youa favor by exiting..( not gracefully though) and left you with no guilt as to it end.. not quite but I don't loose sleep worrying about it so ...

Seems like I'm the only one who is trying to grieve my marriage all others involved just jumped right back into relationships .. I'm friendly with om's wife .. she's in a R too..
so how does this bode for ww and om ? Not a very stable foundation to build a new relationship..

I know this a bunch of rambled on mess but that's my life now..would welcome any comments , observations or knowledge that you guys can spare..

[job]

I will link your previous threads from Newcomers to this thread. In the future, please try to link them and if you have difficulty, please let me know and I will be happy to assist you.

Here is a link that will provide some easy instructions on how to link your threads.

How to Link Threads

[doodler]

Seems like I'm the only one who is trying to grieve my marriage all others involved just jumped right back into relationships .. I'm friendly with om's wife .. she's in a R too..
so how does this bode for ww and om ? Not a very stable foundation to build a new relationship..

Yep, I think there's a tendency to jump into a new relationship to help manage the pain. I tried dating shortly after my divorce because I thought it'd be fun and help me continue to move on. It didn't turn out nearly as well as I'd hoped; I actually enjoyed working on my home projects more than I enjoyed dating.

Now, I'm focusing on my sons and my home projects. If the right person makes an appearance, then I'll try dating. For now though, I've got lots of things to keep me busy.

[Dawgs]

Yep, I think there's a tendency to jump into a new relationship to help manage the pain. I tried dating shortly after my divorce because I thought it'd be fun and help me continue to move on. It didn't turn out nearly as well as I'd hoped; I actually enjoyed working on my home projects more than I enjoyed dating

I'm going to step in here for a little. Doodler is correct. But sometimes a little strange is just what the doctor ordered.

[doodler]

Doctor Strange recommends Harley Quinn.

[Tofbrks]

And see both points doodler & jeep.. but 6 mo out and taking T with my daughter last night (14) and she's saying she wants me to be happy like mom and move on and not be angry .. thought my x was being channeled through my D ...all involved have glossed over this whole mess and I'm afraid the bill won't come due for many years down the road..to late to really do anything..

I'll loose my resentment and anger but d@mn I have a right to f'n be a little pissed off.. sorry

[doodler]

I'll loose my resentment and anger but d@mn I have a right to f'n be a little pissed off.. sorry

Tofbrks,

I'm with you, bro!

[Dawgs]

Doctor Strange recommends Harley Quinn.

Doctor Strange wrote and fulfilled that prescription on the visit...

[Dawgs]

I'll loose my resentment and anger but d@mn I have a right to f'n be a little pissed off.. sorry

I've been down the anger/pissed off road many, many times. That's where the punching bag at the gym came in...too bad they wouldn't let me put my ex's pic on it.

[Tofbrks]

Inlaws are all like get over it too.. lol.. I know if I did what she did to their daughter I'd be strung up somewhere , knee deep in lawyer speak and probably unable to see my kids .. they forget that..shunned everywhere in town except for maybe the Waffle House...

Funny how some can see and hear the train coming but still don't get off the tracks. Then wonder why they got the $hit knocked out of them.. when I can see the train and yell but no one hears ... your on your own ... sit back and watch the train wreck.

[coffee_]

Yep, I think there's a tendency to jump into a new relationship to help manage the pain. I tried dating shortly after my divorce because I thought it'd be fun and help me continue to move on. It didn't turn out nearly as well as I'd hoped; I actually enjoyed working on my home projects more than I enjoyed dating

I'm going to step in here for a little. Doodler is correct. But sometimes a little strange is just what the doctor ordered.

I tell ya, if it weren't for my new gal friend I would be a mess. She has helped me through so many tough times. She shows me that I am lovable and worthy of love from another person. She has calmed my life tremendously. I chose wisely as it seems like a new guy on the market is like gold (girls come out of the woodwork). Not sure how I found such a good friend and lover. My STBXW should be thankful for her because my new GF has talked me off the ledge many times, she's taught me how to be kind even though I am resentful. I would say grab some strange if you can, but choose wisely when getting involved again. Don't let your past relationship get in the way. Your learning how to love again, with new people that aren't what your ex was. Throw that out the window now. I think we all (people in our situation) are different. I think I am strong enough to maintain a new relationship, it helps if the new partner is completely understanding of your sitch also. Personally I want nothing more than to be a husband again someday. I make a good one.

[doodler]

Not sure how I found such a good friend and lover.

coffee,

I'm jealous! Does she have a sister?

[Tofbrks]

Not sure how I found such a good friend and lover.

coffee,

I'm jealous! Does she have a sister?

Or 2?

[hawker]

Haha doodler and Tofbrks...thanks for the laugh...needed it today!

[Dawgs]

I chose wisely as it seems like a new guy on the market is like gold (girls come out of the woodwork).

I'm going to have to agree on this one. I've been propositioned by quite a few young (well, younger by 10 - 15 years...I'm 46) ladies. Sure doesn't hurt when they see a couple of younger kids, too.

I think I am strong enough to maintain a new relationship, it helps if the new partner is completely understanding of your sitch also.

^This. There is a difference in some strange and maintaining a new relationship. It works, though. Am I ready for another relationship? It depends on the seriousness of it. I guess I'll cross that bridge when the opportunity arises - if it does.

[coffee_]

I chose wisely as it seems like a new guy on the market is like gold (girls come out of the woodwork).

I'm going to have to agree on this one. I've been propositioned by quite a few young (well, younger by 10 - 15 years...I'm 46) ladies. Sure doesn't hurt when they see a couple of younger kids, too.

I think I am strong enough to maintain a new relationship, it helps if the new partner is completely understanding of your sitch also.

^This. There is a difference in some strange and maintaining a new relationship. It works, though. Am I ready for another relationship? It depends on the seriousness of it. I guess I'll cross that bridge when the opportunity arises - if it does.

The opportunity will arise when your ready and open the door to it.

[Tofbrks]

As we all know going through D kinda shoots your confidence up a little or for some of us a lot. Have been chatting with a woman who lives very close. She knows my situation and I have told her how it happened. Both have kids in same schools.

First off she "stalked" xw fb page and there was a xmas pic with om , his kids x's and my 2 daughters. She said is that him? Is it a bald and fat goofy dude? Then yep that's him. She replies "your way hotter"... and "yuk"...I send back a "$" and she just says ahhhh! I guess I'll take that hotter than a fat bald goofy dude!

Then in the same convo she states that you do know any hot PTO mom would love to make this all better for you right? Um no .. where are they and what are their numbers.. I didn't say that because she is really really coool... just don't know if there is any attraction on my part... but we'll see. If nothing else I made a good friend and you can never have too many of those.

[Dawgs]

Seems that she is dangling that hook for you, my friend. And you are correct, even if it's just a date it can do more than wonders for your confidence and self esteem. Go for it.

[Tofbrks]

Seems that she is dangling that hook for you, my friend. And you are correct, even if it's just a date it can do more than wonders for your confidence and self esteem. Go for it.

Wonder if I ask if she'll wear a Harley Quinn outfit ..?

Hey at least I'm doing better than most other guys. I haven't sent a picture of my junk..not yet anyways

She does have a masters degree which is a BIG change from xw. It is just refreshing to have convo about substantive topics rather than fluff of OMG did you see what (insert someone I don't know here) posted to fb or Instagram...

[Dawgs]

Wonder if I ask if she'll wear a Harley Quinn outfit ..?

Hmmm. Harley Quinn. Just be forewarned, if she cackles and swings the big hammer at you, make sure to roll really quick. Just sayin.

It is awesome to have a substantial conversation. That was sort of lacking in mine, even though she had the same degree. I'll even go back and say that even for all of Harley's ways, she is very, very intelligent...bring your A game if she gets into the debating mood! Haha.

[Tofbrks]

Taking care of some much over due paperwork with stbx this am. Something I have been putting off simply because dealing with her causes anxiety. It just so happens events necessitated her to press for this and I won't have to worry about changes.

Did go by HD and bought 10 of the cheapest , largest cardboard boxes I could. I would like to have as much of her crap ready to go to limit her time in MY home. Don't know why this bothers me so , just seems as though my home is the one sacred thing I have left. So I'm letting her have all her dishes she registered for as wedding gifts and all the pots and pans .... at least the ones she didn't burn something in and throw away.

Seems as though the woman I've been chatting with has been burned twice by men cheating. She knows the ropes very well and what I'm going through but don't know if that's healthy for going forward. If nothing else I've made a great friend that understands.

Daughters medical situation seems to have stabilized and that's good news.
The only scary thing is that she is so much like x in that she doesn't listen to reason and craves attention. She argued with me over this diagnosis, as it seems she wants to be "sick" for attention. So I have a long road ahead to try to figure out the pieces and make things right.

[Dawgs]

Did go by HD and bought 10 of the cheapest , largest cardboard boxes I could. I would like to have as much of her crap ready to go to limit her time in MY home. Don't know why this bothers me so , just seems as though my home is the one sacred thing I have left. So I'm letting her have all her dishes she registered for as wedding gifts and all the pots and pans .... at least the ones she didn't burn something in and throw away.

I know the feeling. Its truly sucktastic. I think its another nail in finality coffin, if you know what I mean.

Seems as though the woman I've been chatting with has been burned twice by men cheating. She knows the ropes very well and what I'm going through but don't know if that's healthy for going forward. If nothing else I've made a great friend that understands.

Um, I'm not sure how to take that one. Just be careful no bitterness is showing.

Daughters medical situation seems to have stabilized and that's good news.

Most excellent news, sir.

[Tofbrks]

Jeep and doodler you both would be proud, I met the woman I've been chatting with for a few days. Had a very nice evening , never really a moment that went without some banter or funny story from our past. We do share a lot of commonality through the divorces and just life in general. This makes for a sense of ease ... a sort of old friend feeling.

However I'm not so sold that there is anything more than this. But in hindsight I usually develope feelings slowly as I feel more prone to trust or just see the person a little differently over time. And always I guess will be in the background , this was how I developed my R with x.

Scorecard for chatty woman
Likes same beer ! But also ladylike wine drinker ..
Hates x !!!
Thinks om is fat sloppy ugly .. duh
Loves her daughters .. good mom
Loves the same music
Self sufficient ... I ain't no sugar daddy as x will plainly tell you
Great conversationalist
Stable .. no major drama

So I'm still evaluatiing ...she herself suggested that I " let the crazy and wild out" , pointing out that's what she did after divorce. Don't know if that's me actually. Have given it some thought and it would be fun ... but understood what she was trying to say. But it feels good to have someone in your corner , thatvitvcan be done and I will be just fine.

[Dawgs]

Tofbrks,

I am most proud, sir. Isn't it a wonderful feeling - and a most awesome boost to your ego and mental well being - to go out like that and have a great time? Score one for Tofbrks!

From what you say, it seems that it went very, very well and you do have a bit in common, which is a great thing! I would imagine that another date is in the works, no? If not, then doodler and I would be most ashamed. Haha.

At the very worst you've made a good friend out of it, but I suspect there may be a spark. Who knows. Enjoy the ride without worrying about where it will go. Those are the best kind.

suggested that I " let the crazy and wild out" ,

Hmmm. Wonder if that is the same wild that is the norm for most newly divorced women?

Sir, you will more than just fine. Enjoy yourself and the company of what seems to be a great woman! Heck, I'm sold on the beer part but still a lady like wine drinker! So, the question is, when are you taking her out again?

P.S. Did you get to see her in a Harley Quinn outfit?

[Tofbrks]

Jeep you'll be proud of me .. chatty woman and I are going out on the next kid free weekend (on my end ... her x is a winner and lives 2k away). Even talkkescabout vday .. hooters is giving away free wings if you bring a pic of your x in a shred it. But I hate hooters wings they suck. She said we should go.. eat wings and drink beer!

Still not sure I feel anything for her other than a friendship.. looks wise she's not my type but trying to keep an open mind. The convo is great so it keeps me intrigued , if that can be built upon.

Really pondering lately the big question ... why did this happen? Know I will never get a good answer from her ... so I don't even entertain the thought of asking. But I'm a fixer and to prevent it from happening again I'll reason that I need to know what happened to my M.... but know i never will. So this is part of my journey, I need to lay this down and move on... perhaps make up a good reason to tell my mind and move forward.

[Tofbrks]

Vday ended up a bust .. spent the night at home alone watching xmen movie eating a totinos pizza..

Chatty woman whom I was supposed to go out with came downwith the flu so she bailed .. rightfully so bt here's the kicker. I buy roses for D every vday. Whole Foods has great deal on 24.. so I get bb and the roses and make my own. I made an arrangement for both of 6 each and took them to inlaws where they are staying w/ex. So this left me with 12 to give to chatty and her D's. Well with her being sick she didn't want to go out but I still wanted her to have the roses.. so I told her I had a gift that wouldn't keep and I could just drop off.

She made it very clear that she wasn't up for anything.. so I replied with a remark tainted with sarcasm.. playful but sarcastic as this has been the norm in our convos.. no reply.. until the following day.. explaining a little on how she felt.
Now where there used to be at least 10-20 txts a day .. 1 maybe every other day at best. Come on now .. BS in communications and this is the best you can do? A masters in something else .. geez... adult here- lets adult now..

So back to square negative I guess...but bright side guess I dodged a bullet on that one...

[Dawgs]

Sorry to hear that, Tofbrks.

Just let it go and if chatty wants to talk, she will. Get back on that horse!

[doodler]

.. spent the night at home alone watching xmen movie eating a totinos pizza..

The xmen movie and totino's pizza? That sounds like a wonderful night to me.

[Tofbrks]

.. spent the night at home alone watching xmen movie eating a totinos pizza..

The xmen movie and totino's pizza? That sounds like a wonderful night to me.

If planed yes.. when your hand is forced ..no
Just wanted to to give the f'n roses to her..my mom stopped by to pack some x stuff up for me so I told her to take them and happy vday!

Jeep I hear ya on the horse and all but don't know if I just need to step back and work on me a little more. Still feel like I'm loosing .. although I know it's not a race of any sorts ... but do feel pressure since x is tightly hinged to OM...

Having a bad week of sorts much like jeep a ghost still lurks in some areas .. perhaps I should hire someone to get rid of it ... maybe a clairvoyant to cuss her out and tell her she's evicted? Idk

[Dawgs]

Jeep I hear ya on the horse and all but don't know if I just need to step back and work on me a little more. Still feel like I'm loosing .. although I know it's not a race of any sorts ... but do feel pressure since x is tightly hinged to OM...

Having a bad week of sorts much like jeep a ghost still lurks in some areas .. perhaps I should hire someone to get rid of it ... maybe a clairvoyant to cuss her out and tell her she's evicted? Idk

Doesn't have to be a full horse when a pony will work just fine. Go get coffee or maybe dinner. You don't have to date. Something. Works wonders.

My friend, that ghost will always lurk. Always. If you find a way to exorcise it, let me know please.

[Tofbrks]

Hello DB crew,

I am looking for a little insight from someone further out for a little perspective... or anybody for that matter.

In the beginning the up/down cycles where frequent and rather lengthy. It progressed and had become better... shorter and less duration. I had a feeling of "meh" , which is ok at this stage. But this last week or so it's kinda changed. I was riding a wave of change.. of at least thoughts of change and how things where going to get better. These past couple of weeks it's changed , like it's sinking in or it may not change or turn out the way I want it too. I have a very deep rooted fear that I will be alone the rest of my life. The situation as it stands right now is how it will be ... forever

This fear I know is irrational and these times are fluid but just can't seem to convince myself of it. My sitch includes an unfaithful wife who kinda hid an exit affair and is full steam ahead with "new" life. So this adds to my angst about these fears... see I was right to leave... your miserable and no one wants to be with you.

I guess it comes down to a lengthy "cycle down" period that is out of the norm for me ... I thought I had progressed a little further than this.

What I guess I'm asking is perspective...here I am 10 months out from "im not happy" to 5 more before it's all final... is this how it's gonna stay? Need rational people to calm my irrational fears.

Maybe I just need to go back to therapy .. lol

Another issue coming up fast is D's bday. Joint party is what x will want but with her comes fat F'r.. who will be there just to "show he cares".. so let's throw all these people together for the first time since the poop storm started. It would be good to show the D that we can all get along... that's a tough pill to take guys. Is it even appropriate for om to be at a little girls bday party ? To me the x has tried to intigrate the kids into her new relationship to ease guilt or give it legitimacy ... at an accelerated pace to me. So the party will be just one more example. Should I branch off and celebrate on my own or take one for the team and do the together party???

[Dawgs]

What I guess I'm asking is perspective...here I am 10 months out from "im not happy" to 5 more before it's all final... is this how it's gonna stay? Need rational people to calm my irrational fears

No, my friend, it won't stay. But the way you travel your road is up to you and no one else can guide you. The unfortunate thing is that you travel it alone...but in a sense, you don't - you have many here that will "walk" with you.

The thing is, you know what lies ahead and what you must do. The down cycles will become less and less over time - what you are involved in is normal. Every single one of us here have gone through it. Heck, her ghost still gets me every now and then and yesterday was a doozy.

You'll be fine, my friend. Just fine.

[Dawgs]

Another issue coming up fast is D's bday. Joint party is what x will want but with her comes fat F'r.. who will be there just to "show he cares".. so let's throw all these people together for the first time since the poop storm started. It would be good to show the D that we can all get along... that's a tough pill to take guys. Is it even appropriate for om to be at a little girls bday party ? To me the x has tried to intigrate the kids into her new relationship to ease guilt or give it legitimacy ... at an accelerated pace to me. So the party will be just one more example. Should I branch off and celebrate on my own or take one for the team and do the together party???

Don't know why I forgot this part. I don't feel its appropriate for him to be there, at all. There is nothing to say you can't do both.

The important thing to remember is that it is for your daughter, and your daughter only. Make it special to her. She will remember that far better than how you and the ex got along, trust me.

Now, not many will agree with what I'm about to say but it must be said - I told my ex's OM that if he ever came near my kids he would have trouble walking for the rest of his life. That's one thing I don't even begin to play with - the ex can do whatever, but when it comes to the kids, think of a momma bear times a million. So, if I were in your shoes, I'd find a time at the party and say this to the "fat f'r"...I'd just let him know that if he says a cross word, lays a hand on your daughter in any form, whatever (you get the gist), that he'd be paying for it. And walk away. The ex will be pissed, but who cares...she's not important, your daughter is.

[Tofbrks]

Always good and wise words jeep..just hard to see the end as a positive when your this far down a hole. Difficult to see good times in future right now.

And if it wasn't bad enough.. just informed that fat f'r has made an offer on a house..X can't afford to live on her own and signed away her support in our agreement... so it's either mom and dad's or fat f'r .

Just doing some simple math it's gonna be tight ... cause X brings nothing to table except student loans and a bad shopping habit..

Guess I would like a good dose of karma .. you know just to even things up ..
I really shouldn't even care ....

[Dawgs]

Difficult to see good times in future right now.

I'm still waiting to see those, sir.

so it's either mom and dad's or fat f'r

You might want to check the laws...I'm not sure, but in my state another person can't live with the ex until they are married (with the kids in the house, that is). I'd ask an atty, pronto. I made sure in our decree that never happens.

Guess I would like a good dose of karma .. you know just to even things up ..
I really shouldn't even care ....

Karma will always strike. Always. And, no you shouldn't...but then again neither should I that my ex is dating again...

[Tofbrks]

so it's either mom and dad's or fat f'r

You might want to check the laws...I'm not sure, but in my state another person can't live with the ex until they are married (with the kids in the house, that is). I'd ask an atty, pronto. I made sure in our decree that never happens.

[quote]Guess I would like a good dose of karma .. you know just to even things up ..
I really shouldn't even care ....

Karma will always strike. Always. And, no you shouldn't...but then again neither should I that my ex is dating again...

If xhad her way she'd been in his house with kids the day our separation started. H€ll she even had a goofy fb pic with all kids ( his and mine) up for xmas..

I had to put the no overnight paramour until after separation is over.. she found no problem with it and gVe me a really hard time about it being in there.. i would never get her to agree to until married .. even though that's where this going .. she has too no where else to land..

Truth be known i see it shaking down like this .. she'll pressure him to be put on mortgage.. stay with him just long enough to figure that the stuff doesn't make her happy ..that it must be him.. again... she'll safeguard herself this time cause she left our marriage with little more than a car and some clothes..so I feel sorry for fat f'r .. whatever he had after his stbx and mine he wont have a pot to - well you know... that my friend would be sweet a$$ karma ...

[Dawgs]

that my friend would be sweet a$$ karma

Karma of the best kind, my friend.

[Tofbrks]

Opinions on this....

The exit affair.. or om..just currious on the odds..
She admitted little if no responsibility for the ending of M , basically said I don't feel the same for you as I once did. Attempted no work on herself which was evident in the short mc sessions we had. There has been no lag between relationships and if anything there was overlap.

Now most if not all ic/mc and others recommend at least a year or more before entering your next serious relationship .. and just from my limited steps out I can see why.. it's a murky and complicated world... so being a realist and guy who likes to know the why...how can a transition this fast be healthy and lasting?
Mind you I'm not dwelling on this just something that silently runs through my head sometime..

[Dawgs]

The exit affair.. or om..just currious on the odds..
She admitted little if no responsibility for the ending of M , basically said I don't feel the same for you as I once did. Attempted no work on herself which was evident in the short mc sessions we had. There has been no lag between relationships and if anything there was overlap.

Why do you call it the exit affair? Just curious.

I would be willing to bet that she put the death of the marriage on your shoulders, no? Mine did...and also the affair, too. It was all my fault.

Now most if not all ic/mc and others recommend at least a year or more before entering your next serious relationship .. and just from my limited steps out I can see why.. it's a murky and complicated world... so being a realist and guy who likes to know the why...how can a transition this fast be healthy and lasting?

That time frame seems right, I guess. Each person is different. I'm not ready for a serious one although I will date. The only way I'd change that is if somehow Harley Quinn moved back and all, rather than this long distance talking/visiting once in a while. Who knows. Each at their own pace, my friend. I like going out and micro dating.

[Tofbrks]

Exit affair...

She basically replaced me and was done with marriage
Said she was unhappy for years and did nothing about it other than praying or wishing for her "feelings" to return or change.

Yes I was blamed for everything... she just didn't feel a certain way and it must be me and not her... got a laundry list of crap in the beginning .. nothing worth blowing up a 15yr marriage for

[Dawgs]

Yours sounds just like mine. Blew up our marriage over things that aren't divorce worthy.

Stay strong, my friend.

[Tofbrks]

Yours sounds just like mine. Blew up our marriage over things that aren't divorce worthy.

Stay strong, my friend.

Did hear a good bit of sdvice.. feeling in love is great but down the road you must choose to love once the inevitable feelings of love leave..

[JujuB]

I frequently felt frusturated, resentful, angry with and ignored by my ex. But I still loved him and never thought of ending a marriage.

To me it's par for the course.. living with any one for a long period of time and with the normal stresses of life is gonna be hard. But anything else would be a fairytale.

A lot of the walkaways are just people chasing fairy tales.


Regarding dating...I dated some one 1.5 years after ex physically left. But we were and am not divorced. I wouldn't recommend it. But get that's it's something to experience.

For me, I was vulnerable and wanted too much to please. I demanded nothing. Almost to proove my husband wrong. I was an awesome partner bUT also very emotionally detached. I ended up realizing pretty quick that the relationship would not be good for me long term. Things ended after about 6 months.

I still don't regret it though for the experience and perhaps friendship that me and that guy might be able to have.

[Tofbrks]

Thanks juju for chiming in,as always I welcome others opinions and views.
I never thought about leaving either , knew it wasn't ideal but all in all was good. I just think like you said she wanted a fairytale and it had "run out of gas " in her eyes. Here lately have been questioning if there was anything I could have done to prevent it.. yes there probably was but there was plenty she could have done as well .. she chose not to.

The woman I married is no longer there or at least who I thought she was.. or could have never been there to start with.

[Dawgs]

"Could have never been there to start with..."

This is probably more prelevant than we know...

[Tofbrks]

Kinda sucky weekend .. work and not much else. Still in this funk of just feeling down a bit and rewinding M. Other things like woman friend of mine has drama going on with her x and good friend of mine just broke off with lt gf of 12 or so years. So not much real cheery news here lately.

On the dating front .. not much going on either. And many have stressed the importance of being comfortable being alone. Don't know if I'm there yet.. close but then again would love to be involved .. but is that just a longing to cover over and distract?

Just sorta stuck in a rather sucky place and feeling...

[Dawgs]

On the dating front .. not much going on either. And many have stressed the importance of being comfortable being alone. Don't know if I'm there yet.. close but then again would love to be involved .. but is that just a longing to cover over and distract?

Dating and going on "dates" are two completely different animals. Just going to get coffee works wonders for the soul.

[Tofbrks]

Have a bday coming up for my d8... think the stbxw is planning a together party or at least the bday is not split like other "holidays".. I don't yet feel comfortable with that and om showing is a possibility... and I'm assuming that is what would happen. Should I let it go ?

And the stbxw wants to come over and clean out d8 closet.. not comfortable with her being in my house.. we have an agreement and all has been split.. so she has no legal right to be in home.

On both these issues I worry about appearing petty and bitter , feelings I don't believe I have ... just not there on the comfort level to have her "back around"
Chime in please with and 2cents you can offer ...

[doodler]

Tofbrks,

If you don't feel comfortable with your stbxw in your house then, unless there's an emergency, she should not be in your house.

A few weeks after separation, I told my wife that she wasn't welcome in my house. She could come to the front door, but that's as far she could go. There were several reasons for doing that; the main reason was that we'd usually begin arguing when she'd come into the house and I didn't want that to continue.

To enforce that, you have to be willing to call the police if she comes into the house and won't leave when you tell her to go. (The cops handle those types of situations all the time; it's not a big deal to call them.) It also helps to change the locks and get an inexpensive video camera to monitor the door.

[Dawn70]

Tofbrks,

I don't think you sound petty or bitter. If you don't feel comfortable with her in your house, that's a boundary and you have EVERY right to set boundaries for yourself and your children in your own home. That is your safe space, so to speak and she has no claim to it. Why does she want to clean out d8's closet in YOUR house? That seems like that is really none of her business. I mean, I realize she is d8's mom, but do you ask her if you can go to her house and clean out d8's closet? I don't know you or your STBXW, so I'm just speculating, but coming from a woman's point of view, that seems a little like a control maneuver.

I never had to deal with this situation, so I'll just say what Doodler said above about calling the police if necessary sounds perfectly reasonable. I just don't see a reason for her coming in to take care of things in a house that isn't hers. Makes no sense to me.

Oh and the party thing. I lived in fear of seeing my XH and his new tart when we first split and it is jolting when it happens, but I say in the case of d8's birthday, just do what you have to do for HER sake and try to let the rest sort itself out. Is it possible to do separate parties so that you don't have to deal with STBXW at all?

[RAI]

Tofbrks,

I agree with above. If my STBXW comes into my house, it is on MY terms. As a gesture of goodwill, I have invited her into my dining room on children's birthdays - for the children's sake. Outside of that, I will not have her in my home. It is not petty or bitter. I don't want her to violate my personal space. Also, I don't trust her - she has a proven track record of being a liar and thief. Also, what happens to her on my property is my responsibility and I don't want to be liable for anything. It is GOOD that it makes you uncomfortable. That is a protective reflex.

Best,

RAI

[Tofbrks]

Thanks guys for giving advice on the bday party and the closet issues. It seems during this process it kinda calls into question your judgement of all things...it's getting better the further I space myself away from her. I wouldn't worry so much about the bday party but when the kids are involved I want to make sound decisions and actions.

[Tofbrks]

Havent posted in a while but need more seasoned survivors for advice on this one.

I've tried and for the most part maintain a healthy father daughter relationship with my kids. Looking to not only play the dad role but actually be a dad. Long story short , D is dating this boy and overheard her asking what OM thought about a particular current issue withbsaid boy. D has not spoken with me about this but talked at length with her mom on it as I could overhear the convo. That hurt and will stick with me for sometime. D and I do talk about things going on and I thought I had a good rapport but evidently not. I try to give her space and just offer advice and guidance when asked .. I don't force my views on her .

Now from the other end and I keep these thoughts to myself, her mom has meddled in her social life since she was younger. Fast forward to present and the D... to me it seems ex and om are kinda (no really) using the connection with kids to validate the legitimacy of this new "family" -cringe-
Ex does and has been doing this with om sons, over stepping boundaries that most "normal " people have.

If it were me in that situation I would defer to the kids dad, as in that's something that you should be taking to you dad about... not use it in an attempt to further stake a claim into someone else's territory for your own satisfaction. I'm not above anyone being in my D life that genuine has her best interest at heart but this I have a problem with.

I want D to feel like she can make her own choices and mistakes , feeling comfortable to ask for advice, without the manipulation.

Does any of this make sense or am I off my rocker ..