I was obsessed with unfairness for a long time. And I still go back to it sometimes.
All I can say is somewhere along the time I let go of the obsession. I can't tell you when. But I think it's just something you drop eventually. Like that day you realize you don't have feelings for that person anymore. It just happens. And I pray it happens for you soon so you can have some peace.
Interesting post about unfairness as I discussed it with IC. IC told me that dwelling on the unfairness is like drinking poison as it only hurts me not ex. Like you I feel all this in unfair but IC that life is unfair so we have two choices: being miserable about the unfairness or realising that it's out of our control and carry on forward.
I agree with Ginger that it might take time but we will eventually get rid of that feeling too.
I have to stop dwelling. And just play with the cards I have in front of me. That is the healthier approach.
This is true of all aspects of life. Job loss, death, infertility, poverty, politics, war, being a victim of a crime......
I hope I can mentally drop this. I am going to try hypnotherapy again. And maybe I will try some guided meditation as well. Getting back into exercises will help too.
I think the mental is a beautiful tool but at the same time our worst enemy. We are similar with combating negativity, it has been part of us for so long that it is fighting when we want to change. In two months it will be my two years anniversary, and I can tell you that I fight with my negativity every day. It's a long and hard process but I can see the positivity slowly taking over and it's a good feeling.
We will have triggers Jujub but they will lessen and lessen in intensity. I know that fur a fact. You are doing great, look at where you are now and where you were at the same time last year. Look at all the changes you have made in a positive way. Celebrate them.
I just received my Disney Dumbo and his mom hallmark christmas ornament In the mail. (I wait until after Christmas to buy because of the sales prices). We used to watch the movie over and over when my son was younger. It's one of my favorites because of the mother-son bond. And because it embraces a child's difference and stigma as a gift.
Anyway, my son was just diagnosed yesterday as being on the autistic spectrum and with having adhd. He is high functioning and so so gifted in some areas. He is sweet, considerate, clever, and witty. But a lot of his behaviors have been extremely difficult. I am fearful for how he will fit in and relate to his peers as he gets older. I am faced with the challenge of teaching a child that relates to the world and people so differently. I don't know where to start.
I lashed out with a text to ex. This was the first time in a long time I told him how angry I was. I am mad because these past 6 years I had been struggling with my son.I knew something was wrong but didn't know what. I was on high alert all the time with my son, because of all the safety issues involved. Because my son needed attention 100% of the time.
I am mad because of how ex withdrew during that time. i am mad because of the way he acted..the refusing the child support, telling me to go back to work full time like everyone else and then telling me to figure it out when I pointed out how difficult it would be to find help and child care. Especially because son had issues.
I can guarantee that most other parents and child care providers unknowledgeable of the diagnosis would probably have misunderstood son and disciplined in a really harmful way. (I am reading that a lot of these kids get abused from parents that think they are being willful)
He did not understand how work was easier then staying home with my son. He only wanted me back at work because he was preparing for divorce and afraid of alimony.
I am mad at the time when I had a kidney stone and he wouldn't come home to help my parents with his son because he wanted to go to the gym. I remember my son was screaming and my parents were insisting on the crying out method. And I couldn't even get out of the bed. When he did come home, he got mad at my parents.
I am mad that he complained when he was leaving about how I never dressed up for him or wore heels like the other moms in the mall did. Meanwhile he slept till 2 and just taking a shower was difficult.
There is so much more. I just don't want to write it all out.
I am still doing it all on my own and he is shorting me on child support and extra curricular payments. And i don't have the bandwidth to keep on top of it.
Legally, He won't have to pay anything but child support. His financial net worth statement claims that he spends more per month on his car then he does on child support. He spends almost the same on his groceries and eating out in a month that he does on child support, and legally there is nothing more he is responsible for.
Like I have said before, the way he left was traumatizing.
Anyway, my son was just diagnosed yesterday as being on the autistic spectrum and with having adhd. He is high functioning and so so gifted in some areas. He is sweet, considerate, clever, and witty.
JujuB,
I work with a man that is high-functioning autistic. He's clearly different, particularly with regard to personal interaction. But, he's highly regarded in the workplace. He's very good at what he does and he's had a long and successful career. I had the honor of being one of a relatively small group that he selected to attend his retirement luncheon yesterday. He's had a 30 year career and he'll be leaving at the end of the month. We'll all miss him and his successor will have difficulty filling his shoes; he's a hard t act to follow.
Keep your chin up; it's very likely that your son will find his niche in the world and be even more successful than you might imagine.
There are tons of great people out there on the spectrum. Daryl Hanna, Dan Akroid, Tim Burton, Mozart, and many many others.
Everyone has obstacles to over come in life. They each have their own gifts. I have always liked the people that were a little off the beaten path any way. They are more interesting in my opinion. And I relate better to them.
I am happy to finally have an answer, and I'm not surprised. My son is high functioning so it didn't get diagnised right away. (I took him to a very experience developmental pediatrician when he was 2 who just believed he was at risk for Adhd and oppositional disorder)
But now that I know, I have to come up with a plan.
1. Battle for school services (you'd be surprised how hard this one is and the battle I have already had with his school district...which is excellent.) A. Collect evaluations from top professionals. That proove need for service B. Find a parent advocate 2. Learn as much as I can about ADHD and autism 3. Try to come up with structured plans and implement sensory diet 4. Food Diet. This will be hard, cause it means I have to convince my parents to change their habits as well.
Hardest part will be incorporating structure into my life which has always been a laid back, fly by the seat of your pants type of life.
Ok. I know this doesn't have much to do with divorce surviving. These forums are my own little interactive journal though.
Jujub, you are an amazing women. Your son is extremely lucky to have you as his mum. Once he has found his niche he will excel because he has you as his guide.
I can only imagine imagine what the implications of this diagnostic implies but it looks like you have everything under control as you have started to plan a way forward.
I lashed out with a text to ex. This was the first time in a long time I told him how angry I was. I am mad because these past 6 years I had been struggling with my son.I knew something was wrong but didn't know what. I was on high alert all the time with my son, because of all the safety issues involved. Because my son needed attention 100% of the time.
I am mad because of how ex withdrew during that time. i am mad because of the way he acted..the refusing the child support, telling me to go back to work full time like everyone else and then telling me to figure it out when I pointed out how difficult it would be to find help and child care. Especially because son had issues.
I can guarantee that most other parents and child care providers unknowledgeable of the diagnosis would probably have misunderstood son and disciplined in a really harmful way. (I am reading that a lot of these kids get abused from parents that think they are being willful)
He did not understand how work was easier then staying home with my son. He only wanted me back at work because he was preparing for divorce and afraid of alimony.
I am mad at the time when I had a kidney stone and he wouldn't come home to help my parents with his son because he wanted to go to the gym. I remember my son was screaming and my parents were insisting on the crying out method. And I couldn't even get out of the bed. When he did come home, he got mad at my parents.
I am mad that he complained when he was leaving about how I never dressed up for him or wore heels like the other moms in the mall did. Meanwhile he slept till 2 and just taking a shower was difficult.
There is so much more. I just don't want to write it all out.
I am still doing it all on my own and he is shorting me on child support and extra curricular payments. And i don't have the bandwidth to keep on top of it.
Legally, He won't have to pay anything but child support. His financial net worth statement claims that he spends more per month on his car then he does on child support. He spends almost the same on his groceries and eating out in a month that he does on child support, and legally there is nothing more he is responsible for.
Like I have said before, the way he left was traumatizing.
Ugh, I was under a lot of stress with son's diagnosis and I lashed out on ex for things I was hurt about in 2015. Ex basically dismissed what I wrote, saying i was impossible to have an honest conversation with and he disagreed with every point I made. I think I had validity to my points, but there was no need to go there.
The truth is that stuff is in the past. Yet I brought it up out of self righteousness. Because I wanted someone to be mad at because I could not be mad at my sons diagnosis. I was using my ex as my punching bag. And I keep doing that and its not helping me any.
Its not making my life any better.
I feel uncomfortable and unsettled now...
I realize I am still attached. I realize I am very hurt. I feel I was so easily discarded by him. I realize he doesnt care and I do. I'm the one looking for reactions, not him. He just wants to live life peacefully without drama- without me.
I really hate the concept of divorce. It is just so sad and so wrong. And it was so hurtful to have someone end their life with me. Im taking it as a "you were that difficult" instead of as a "we just couldnt get along and made each other miserable"
I just wish we could have gotten along.
Was it just our dynamics? Or is like that sharing a life with anyone?
