For me, I wasn't willing (or really didn't feel able) to spend 'family' time with XH and SS - though XH did suggest it a month or two after BD. For me, he was actively in an A with OW and I couldn't have borne to do it - I guess it was an absolute boundary for me. Not me being ornery - I just couldn't offer that at that time. I did and do however keep in touch with SS and he and I meet up every couple of months or so.
Actually, the rest of XH's family dropped away and I was pretty devastated at that. To feel censure from them given all circumstances. I reached out to them once or twice, but got no response - that was difficult. I guess I'm trying to say that her 'side' of the family may or may not want to stay in touch - and if they do, you may want to keep in touch with them separately - or you may not - that's how it works.
How acceptable and manageable is it for you to go on an outing with her given all circumstances. I feel it would be perfectly acceptable to say - hey, if you're in a relationship with someone else, I really don't want to spend time with you. That's what I would do actually - but what you do is up to you of course and perhaps wait for other perspectives before you respond.
I hadn't realised until I read back that your W read your previous threads here and you have linked back to them. Are you concerned that this could happen again?
I suppose that is certainly a concern, but I don't know how to mitigate it other than just stop posting here.
This it is actually kind of simple. If going makes you feel good to be spending time with the family without expectations from the ex, then go. If you have expectations then I wouldn't.
What do you mean by expectations? Like expectations for R talk or sex or something?
This it is actually kind of simple. If going makes you feel good to be spending time with the family without expectations from the ex, then go. If you have expectations then I wouldn't.
What do you mean by expectations? Like expectations for R talk or sex or something?
Expectations of anything more than having a good time bowling
To mitigate, I guess you would need to start posting again with a different name and no links. Plus, you would change some key circumstances of your situation - you've been M 4 years not 3, you have a cat not a dog, you live in Canada not the US and so on.
Of course, you want to post exactly what has been said. But for me I paraphrased. Instead of posting - "I want to pick up the dog at 4pm" I would post - he told me he wants to collect the dog later today etc..
Not answering for Ginger, but to me having no expectations would mean enjoying an outing purely for what it is - time with extended family or whatever - and having no expectation of anything positive or negative from your W.
The thing to think about is the impact on the dynamic you are trying to create. You are using LRT right? Letting her go, living your own life, not initiating contact etc...are you in a strong enough place to see her for an outing like that without undoing some of the good work you have been doing?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
But a small part of me also wants to go just to be around my WW which I know is stupid...especially considering she is still in an A and basically discarded me.
Hey I just wanted to say that this takes some strength and integrity to admit. I admire that.
I would, and do, often feel the same way. It's human to feel that way.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Well, had an interesting text exchange, and I know I did poorly and honestly I am ok with that this time. I asked her can't she answer me on whether she WANTS me to go or not. It blew up from there, but essentially I got frustrated that she wouldn't answer the question and honestly I feel like I was talking to a teenager. It was kind of depressing actually. Seriously, an entitled teenager is how I would describe that conversation. Now I'm frustrated, I want her to feel some of what I feel!!!!!!!!!! It's just not fair.
We are 6+ months into this, and she can't make a decision as to whether she would like me to be with her and the family for the weekend...how the heck is she EVER going to be able to decide if she wants to try to work on our M/R...
I get upset about stuff like this frequently with her, and it makes me feel angry. Then for some reason my brain goes back to our engagement photos, the wedding, the honeymoon, the New Year's eve kisses, the photos from traveling, and so many more great memories. It's so conflicting! How can she throw all of that away!?!?!?!?!?!?
Well, had an interesting text exchange, and I know I did poorly and honestly I am ok with that this time. I asked her can't she answer me on whether she WANTS me to go or not. It blew up from there, but essentially I got frustrated that she wouldn't answer the question and honestly I feel like I was talking to a teenager. It was kind of depressing actually. Seriously, an entitled teenager is how I would describe that conversation. Now I'm frustrated, I want her to feel some of what I feel!!!!!!!!!! It's just not fair.
watch OUT, 2X4'S COMING.....
Ok, not 2x4's, but a constructive way of looking at this.
You are asking a pressure loaded question where you are looking for a response that might convey something she isn't ready to convey right now.
She asked you to go. That should have been enough. Then it was on you to decide if you want to go, not on the terms her wanting you there. She bounced the ball to you asking if you wanted to go, and you bounced it right back at her asking her if she wanted you to go. That is a GAME.
You are both guilty there, I'm afraid. You threw your own fit when she wouldn't tell you if she wanted you to go. You were both acting like entitled teenagers. You felt entitled to an answer to that loaded question, and she felt entitled to not hving to give you answer.
but this does answer the question on whether you should go or not.
Like I said, you should go if you were going to enjoy some bowling and nothing more.
you should go if you were going to enjoy some bowling and nothing more.
I agree. He will to have to control any feelings and go without hope/expectations.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Well, had an interesting text exchange, and I know I did poorly and honestly I am ok with that this time. I asked her can't she answer me on whether she WANTS me to go or not. It blew up from there, but essentially I got frustrated that she wouldn't answer the question and honestly I feel like I was talking to a teenager. It was kind of depressing actually. Seriously, an entitled teenager is how I would describe that conversation. Now I'm frustrated, I want her to feel some of what I feel!!!!!!!!!! It's just not fair.
She actually never asked me if I wanted to go. A few weeks ago she said she would go on 1/21. I said "oh, I would like to go...go bowling or something fun if you think that would be ok" She didn't agree or disagree. She only said "I'm sure my parents would be fine with that" (her parents don't even know we are separated or having issues...). Then this week she just says "Did you think about the trip; if you are going or not?"
So, I kind of invited myself a few weeks ago...she never really invited me.
watch OUT, 2X4'S COMING.....
Ok, not 2x4's, but a constructive way of looking at this.
You are asking a pressure loaded question where you are looking for a response that might convey something she isn't ready to convey right now.
She asked you to go. That should have been enough. Then it was on you to decide if you want to go, not on the terms her wanting you there. She bounced the ball to you asking if you wanted to go, and you bounced it right back at her asking her if she wanted you to go. That is a GAME.
You are both guilty there, I'm afraid. You threw your own fit when she wouldn't tell you if she wanted you to go. You were both acting like entitled teenagers. You felt entitled to an answer to that loaded question, and she felt entitled to not hving to give you answer.
but this does answer the question on whether you should go or not.
Like I said, you should go if you were going to enjoy some bowling and nothing more.
