Why did Happy Agains's posts make me feel even more guilt? Because I can totally see my WH in his posts, and I see his posts being so full of anger, even hate, because of the hurt he was exposed to. (
I disagree. Let's call a duck a duck. Happy agains actions torwards his wife were full of anger and hate because that's what he was....Angry and hateful.
The things he said to her and the way he treated her was disgusting. NO ONE deserves that. It was meditated and conscious and he admits that. He on,y became remorseful when she lost weight and became beautiful again and stopped trying.
I don't want a partner that only wants me when I'm at my best, because it is impossible to be at your best all the time in life. We age, we get sick, we lose jobs, we perform badly, we lose our tempers... I want a partner that will be as committed as I am. Your ex is not committed. He is a fair weather mate. They don't change.
While my husband never insulted my physical appearance, he did insult everything else and it really, really, really traumatized me. Happy again reminds me of my ex as well. I would rather be raped in the middle of a public street then endure the way my ex treated me. No one in their right minds would ever date their rapist. So why are we fighting to get back with our exes?
There is definitely a problem with his commitment to the marriage. I asked him yesterday what our vows meant to him, 'for better or for worse', and he just shrugged and said he didn't think of it at the time.
I feel his 'fair weather' nature is understandable because he once told me he was resigned to being unhappy for the rest of his life, until he found an outlet through having affairs. He said then he realised he could be around for our son and still have some happiness with these other women. So for that reason I understand and forgive and want him back. Because he didn't change after we got married - I did. What Happy Again said about being sold a bill of goods and feeling shortchanged - that struck a nerve for me. What if I married someone I thought loved me and I loved, and they stopped being happy, loving and fun and were mean and critical and hurt me all the time when they were supposed to be the one person who loved me most... I can't condemn him.
Don't get me wrong. I really want to. I REALLY REALLY want to. It would be so much easier to kick and scream and tell him he's an evil poisonous toad who should burn in hell. Especially after last night. I've had quite a lot of crap in my life since childhood but this pain, this abandonment - it's visceral. He's ripping out my heart in slow motion.
I want to detach so so so badly, I just can't figure out how to.
I don't think Happy Again was angry and hateful to start with. He just evolved that way after his marriage stopped working. My understanding is that he has reconciled with his wife and he's happy now - anyone else know anything?
WH is not scheduled to see our son until Sunday. 3 days away. What do I do in the interim? Should I just go dark? But in my experience this means he will just continue to demonise me in his mind and harden his heart towards me. Can you detach lovingly and still be present in their lives somehow?
These months are so painful 2016. This is one of the hardest experiences you will have to endure. But you will endure it because you have no choice.
I promise you it will get better. Time will heal this and eventually these feelings will not feel so sharp and visceral. Just give it time. You will get through this. You will not always feel this way. Feel the pain and just ride with it. You are mourning, you are denying, you are angry, you are bargaining, you are begging, you are guilty. It's part of the grief cycle and eventually you will accept.
Right now you probably don't want to accept. We can spend all day debating the walk away spouse But really that part is out of your control.
What is in your control is 1. Being there for your child 2. Self care 3. Preparing for your future...lawyer, living arrangements, developing your own support team to help you, getting rid of depending on your ex for anything.
2016sux...the wayward spouse is much better than we are at detaching because they detached a long while back. It takes time. I am still not totally there. I just said to myself yesterday that just when I feel that I have pulled away a great deal...I get reeled in by her some way and my emotions get stirred up. It took me several hours of reflection to get back to where I was earlier that morning.
The wayward goes dark on us unless they need or want something from us...they do not care how we are doing or what we are doing. You should just focus on you and your kids at the moment. Live each day for you and your kids.
One thing that keeps me going...Romans 12:12...Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.
Find something that you can put positive energy into that will take your mind away from the bad (WH) and help you focus on the good (yourself & kids).
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
2016sux...the wayward spouse is much better than we are at detaching because they detached a long while back. It takes time. I am still not totally there.
Sometimes its years in the making. It's been two years since BD and then the divorce last year and I still haven't completely. It took an over the top act by her Monday to trigger my failsafe. Now even the ghost has vanished.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Thanks for the messages. I took a few days off to digest everything that was said. It's been a really rough few days, been v low and crying loads.
JujuB - definitely there is PTSD. Thanks for the advice about concentrating on myself and my son - definitely trying to do that. Is your son all right - what's this about a diagnosis? Hope the little one is ok.
SBJ - thanks for the message. You're totally right - WH told me he 'left' 2 years ago, just didn't tell me! He actually said that - "I left 2 years ago and I didn't tell you." What hurts is 2 years ago I was going through chemo and living separately from him for 8 months - what does he expect?
Jeep74 - actually upset for you to hear 2 years post BD the healing isn't complete. What did your WW do to trigger you?
Am totally dreading and hating the Valentine's day preps - it's everywhere. Its killing me. Things weren't good before he left but we always got each other cards at least ; (
