Not sure where I am so no title!

[Ginger1]

Why don't you let him initiate and pursue a little?

let him ask you out and make plans the next time. And when he doesn't right away, don't jump on pursuing him right away. It's not so much distancing, but giving him the opportunity to ask, and maybe give you a small glimpse on what his work will be in rebuilding your R.

[BluWave]

I'm trying to give him space and not push him but it is getting harder as my patience is starting to wear thin.

IDK, I feel so scared all the time that he might be just stringing me along. Time will tell....

(((Coly)))

I am concerned for you. Look, I completely get what you are doing and why. I also agree with the DB philosophy and techniques--that is WHY I am here on the boards. However, I don't think (nor do I believe others do) that DB comes at the expense of your emotional well being.

Your patience is wearing thin and you are scared he is stringing you along. Please understand that this is not healthy at all! Relationships, and Ms especially, should be about mutual respect, not about fear. (I am struggling with my own respect issues at the moment, so we all have issues).

I don't want you to follow this program to this extent if it is causing you anxiety and hurting your confidence. I think we (LBS) all get so focused on if and how the S is coming back, that we lose sight of our own needs/wants. That is the opposite of DB--DB is about learning to love the self first, 180, GAL, and DETACH. Then over time, if THEY have changed, we can better assess if our spouse is ready (and worthy) of our M.

I think you should pull back a lot. I think you now see that he is mixed up and does actually want this M to work. That is great, and that is more than most posters are able to get. Now please think about what YOU want and deserve from a partner. Perhaps you should start to require that before he is allowed reentry into the M. There is no rush to do anything at all. But time alone will not heal this. I don't want you to enter an unhealthy dynamic with him--where you have fear and he has the power.

Blu

[Altair]

Hi Coly, just checking in-- for me it is still that pesky weekend! I imagine for you its more busy...

[Rose888]

Coly, I dip in and out of the boards these days, so I might have missed this, but how is your GAL going?

GAL seems to be key for helping people through the impatience.

There seems to be a lot of hope in your situation, but I agree with Ginger that it might be good to give him space to initiate, and I agree with Blu that you need to take the focus off him and put it on you.

[Coly23]

Evening (where I am) all! Thank you for your comments and apologies if I have been awol on my thread. I have been reading and digesting all your comments.

Ginger - the whole pursuing thing just confuses me so much! H is naturally not a pursuer instead he is very lazy when it comes to that but I will try my best to pull back.

Blu - Thank you so much for your post you really understand how I am feeling. You are right in saying that at the moment I have the fear and he has all the power but I realise that this is actually opposite to how it used to be when we were together. I was always so confident that he would never leave me and H always seemed insecure. Maybe this is karma for my over confidence!

Also I have scaled back on being a strict DB'er and that is why I think H has started coming over more. Off course this has come with its own set of problems in that I am finding it hard to manage my own expectations and off course I am extremely impatient. I know I need to pull back but I want to reel him in just enough that he gets used to being around me again. We are getting there I think.

Altair - the weekend is a nightmare for me too! It doesn't matter what I do or how much I GAL I still find myself spinning!

Rose - thanks for visiting! Yes everything you say makes sense. I do need to take the focus off him and on to me. However I feel like I need to get to a certain point before taking the focus off him, but I don't know what that point is. Maybe it's hearing him say he is committed to working on our relationship. I think then I will feel like I can relax . IDK does that sound weird!

Journaling- H came me over today and we went to D's exam info evening at her school. It all seemed so normal and he seems so much more relaxed around me. H has said that he will try and come over more often during the week although this week he is away for work a couple of days. We are going to go out on Friday, just the two of us and he might stay over. I think he is really trying to make the effort.

Hope everyone is good today!

[Rose888]

Rose - thanks for visiting! Yes everything you say makes sense. I do need to take the focus off him and on to me. However I feel like I need to get to a certain point before taking the focus off him, but I don't know what that point is. Maybe it's hearing him say he is committed to working on our relationship. I think then I will feel like I can relax . IDK does that sound weird!

Journaling- H came me over today and we went to D's exam info evening at her school. It all seemed so normal and he seems so much more relaxed around me. H has said that he will try and come over more often during the week although this week he is away for work a couple of days. We are going to go out on Friday, just the two of us and he might stay over. I think he is really trying to make the effort.

Hope everyone is good today!

It sounds counterproductive.

Like saying I need to find an exercise plan I like before I start eating more vegetables.

Do you think you focusing on him so intensely is going to make him recommit?

From where I sit, all it does is keep you from living a full life and keep you from being as strong and emotionally healthy as you could be.

It's harder, not easier, to GAL when you are piecing, because the pull to return to your relationship default is strong. Use this time to develop your GAL muscles and make that a habit.

[Coly23]

Hi Rose, thanks for your post. You are certainly making me think!

No, focusing on H isn't going to make him recommit, your right but I feel like I need to do something because doing nothing would drive me nuts! However, I am starting to feel a little better in myself. I've started exercising more and I've arranged to take D (and maybe H) to my Sister's apartment afte her final exams and that's giving me a focus.

Before H left yesterday he said he would text me about going out on Friday so I am not going to text him first I will wait for him to initiate. I promise!!

[Sotto]

I think there are some positives in your site Coly....and I also think it is important to delve into your need to keep pushing for R because doing nothing would drive you nuts, make you spin..

Ultimately, you have have the opportunity to try again, or you may not - things will unfold as they will. But don't miss the opportunity for your own growth to live a more content and peaceful life going forwards - with or without your H in the picture.

Good for you with letting your H initiate - that's progress. And maybe some goals to leave him be for periods of time - ie: a week or whatever - would be good too

[Coly23]

Thanks Sotto. It is s a real battle between heart and head at the moment!
I saw this quote today that summed it up for me:

'When something feels so right but
brings you nothing but pain it's a
battle between your heart and your
mind. You know damn well your
not going to get what you deserve
outa this but you cannot seem to
give it up. With love and hate and
respect it's a heartbreaking war. At
some point though you have to
choose your own sanity pick up
your heart off the floor and move
on with your life.'

Have a lovely weekend everyone.....

[Rose888]

Do you have any fun plans for the weekend?

The kids and I saw Hidden Figures last night. I highly recommend it.