I reread my posts and I just want to clarify...I wanted another baby more then anything. The only reason I wished for the miscarriage was because I thought the cancer stage was more serious then it was and I was afraid of having to Choose an abortion. I am sorry that you lived that.
When I first started posting, I came on wanting reconciliation. Much like you, I blamed myself for everything. I was not the best wife. I took husband for granted. I was not a great house keeper. I was and am negative and cynical, I suffered from anxiety which is not fun for someone to live with. I actually wrote this post about how my ex worked so hard, and now would have to give me and son a portion of his earnings. And wondered if I was fair by asking for child support because I was living with my family.
Then I started realizing that it wasn't just me. My ex was not easy to live and deal with either. I might have had my issues, but I was loyal, faithful, honest, and a very good mom. I was also willing to work on our relationship and work on making changes. My ex was not.
And then I started realizing that no one is the perfect spouse. My mom can be a real Pain in the a, she constantly nags and complains ...but my father has remained loyal and devoted to her. My dad can also be difficult. He loses his temper over really ridiculous things and has OCD but my mom will always be faithful to him.
After children are born relationships get super tough. BOth parties have an obligation and committment to work through it. Neither will be on their best behavior, but you deal and learn to work as a team.
Some people walk out and cheat instead. And that's the real problem. And yes. You can be surprised and angry when your spouse cheats. We deserve more from our spouses. Your ex wasn't perfect and you never cheated, right? You can't be perfect 100% of the time in your relationships. Especially when sick with cancer and grieving a major loss and decision. But you should be able to count on loyalty and support from your spouse. If not why be married in the first place?
In the beginning of my situation, I came on here blaming myself. A few posters..Pyrite and vanilla saw through that and pointed out some really dysfunctional power struggles bet ex and myself very early on in my situation. It took me over a year to come to terms with that. I am still coming to terms with that. Especially when ex is nice. (Although I am learning that ex is nice when he needs something or wants something and that is all.)
I am seeing similar "power struggles" in your situation which is why I am posting on your thread. I don't typically post on newcomers anymore. I don't want to be married to my ex anymore. Why would I want to be married to someone capable of doing the things he did?... although I admittedly want husband to want to reconcile if that makes any sense.
I still come to this site because I have met some of the most introspective, caring, and brilliant people on here that have shared an experience similar to mine. Who else can understand the depths of pain, and humiliation, and guilt, and doubt, and grief but those of us who post here?
Most of us start off wanting to save our marriages. Very few here do. Many times it is not necessarily our behaviors that cause spouse to betray, lie, cheat, abandon, reject. That type of thinking is a bit egotistical no? Those actions come from our spouses and their own issues. Let them own it.
And while many of us don't save our marriages, we do save ourselves.
I read some of these posts and just thought..."what that poor left behind wife with the 4 kids must have went through in her marriage. she is really lucky to be rid of him"
He really villified the mother of his 4 children who tried to change and compromise for her family didn't he?
Personally, I think any man over the age of 14 that criticizes a females weight and appearance has something wrong with him. But a man that criticizes the mother of his 4 children for gaining 30 lbs and calls her ugly and an embarrassment is a man I and every other woman with half of a brain should stay far away from.
Thank you for finding them and posting 2016. It was great being able to read the perspective of a WH. He admitted to treating his wife pretty poorly and seemed to have some remorse, and I'm guessing that is where he earns some sympathy points. Many similarities between him and my ex. And many of the exes, I am sure. It Would be nice if our exes were remorseful as well.
He made a conscious choice of treating his wife really badly. She might have hurt him, but it sounds like it was out of being distracted by the children. Or just being unaware. Her hurt wasn't intentionally cruel. He knowingly and admittedly set out to hurt the mother of his children.
And we all know that when you hurt the mother of children, you are hurting the children as well.
just because he regrets, does not mean that the very CONSCIOUS and very cruel and traumatizing actions were not there.
I will be blunt...it is usually the posters that come on here, that are filled with guilt and remorse and claim to be emotionally and verbally abusive that are being horrifically manipulated by the walk aways. Forgive yourself for not being super wife.
Please be careful in mediation. Fight for what works in your best interest. Don't agree to terms with the intention of winning your ex back.
(For some reason Walkaways get super nice and consider marriage counseling right before court dates.)
Don't agree to terms with the intention of winning your ex back.
This can not be stated enough. All to often the left behinds agree to their spouse's terms thinking that if they are nice and give them what they want then they will come back. However, the opposite is so true. The walkaways can become quite vindictive and will use anything/everything to get what they think they want/need. Be prepared and don't cave.
Quote:
For some reason Walkaways get super nice and consider marriage counseling right before court dates
Truth
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Hello JujuB and Jeep74 - thanks for the advice. It's a good reminder because when I'm busy beating myself up, my heart is so full of love and understanding for the WH that I do entertain the thought of saying as a way of making amends he can have what he want.
But I'm going to hold on and make sure I hold firm for what is best for me and my son as opposed to what's best for WH. Because in all our major life decisions I've always done what's best for WH and look at where it's got me. Time to put me first for a change.
Your posts have been a lifeline. I never expected to meet anyone who could understand. I totally, totally, TOTALLY get the wishing for a miscarriage despite the baby being much wanted. My baby was v much wanted too and I was desperate for a miscarriage because I didn't want to be responsible. It still rips me up to this day. The baby is with me all the time, I carry him in my heart, the regret and sorrow never goes away, it just gets easier to mask.
Why did Happy Agains's posts make me feel even more guilt? Because I can totally see my WH in his posts, and I see his posts being so full of anger, even hate, because of the hurt he was exposed to. And people will say that, yes, but WH hurt you too. He did, without a doubt, but he didn't set out to, not at first. I was the first one to hurt anyone in our R. I didn't start out wanting to hurt him but I did start out not caring whether I hurt him or not.
Reading Happy Again's posts makes me realise how much I disappointed WH. It isn't like he's some monster who thought it would be fun to destroy the life of someone who loved him. He came to believe I didn't love him and then tried to get away and make himself happy. And in the course of doing so destroyed our life together.
I have never cheated but because it's so common (or so I'm told), I kind of go 'meh', when people say it's terribly unacceptable. Yes it is a terrible horrible thing to do someone you're supposed to love, but when you don't love that person, in fact, actively dislike them and believe they hate you and are deliberately hating you - is it so terrible? I see his cheating now as purely a coping mechanism.
Jeep74 - am mindful of your advice not to take on the responsbility for his cheating, I know he had other choices, but in light of his situation, I can't see his cheating as being such a horrible thing. If I had been loving, thought that we had a good marriage, couldn't offer him any better and then he cheated.. I would be devastated. But as it is, given how visceral and toxic our relationship was at the time, I kind of get it : (
But don't worry - I am not a total fool (though quite a high percentage of a fool). I don't expect it will have any impact, it's more for me really, the absolution of my guilt. And also I am watching him - I am well aware that his being nice may be a way to manipulate me.
Hello. I have read your threads and want to offer you some support! I am so, so glad that jujuB found you and wrote what she did. I could not agree more! Her wisdom and advice is invaluable.
My sitch is different in that my WH did come back and we are almost at 2 years into piecing. So things can change and for some it does work. For others tho, and like jujuB suggests, it is better to be rid of a toxic person. D is hard, and especially with kid(s), but ultimately remaining in such an unhealthy M is harder on everyone.
I want to caution you on reaching out to him, apologizing, and allowing yourself to spin in this level of guilt. Firstly, if he is requesting D (which he is), DO NOT reach out to him or allow any R talks! Even if he is being nice right now, you could very much damage your position. People do sadly take advance of each other to gain leverage in legal proceedings. Down the road, what mattters MOST, is that you have a stable living sitch for you and son. Your guilt does not mean you sacrifice any of that.
In terms of the guilt you feel, and how awful you have been to H, well I can relate to that. A lot of us can. What I have learned over the last several year is that guilt is not a productive emotion. It serves no purpose other then to keep us held back and feeling low. The wayward also loses respect for us when we continue feeling guilty, reaching out, or being too nice--and they will see this as needy/weak or pursuing. Don't do it.
When I read your sitch, my heart ached. He was not there for you during your darkest days, he has had multiple affairs, and now he and his family turned their back on you. You are his W. You are the mother of his child. You are a survivor! Yes, you lost your chit, and yes, you said horrible things. You know what sweetie? I would take an aggressive person over a passive aggressive person ANY day. You are only human and he was very neglectful! I would have went off too!
I like to know where people are coming from. That's me. My H was king of the Nice Guy club and incredibly conflict avoidant and passive aggressive. Then he had an A with my "friend" and turned my life upside down. I have said more terrible things to this man than I can even remember. Actually I was crappy and controlling before the A too. Why? He drove me crazy, he avoided things, didn't listen to me, and I was having terrible hardships, and he wasn't there for me. He shrugged and turned his back on me. So I lashed out. We all cope differently. Sadly, we all make mistakes and that what can hapen in a M. It's hard!
But nothing, and I mean NOTHING, makes what he is doing ok or justified.
Please take a giant step back, go dark, rallly support--cry and open up to the safe people, but only treat him with distance and be the cordial neighbor. Step back and protect your heart and your son.
I promise, you will get through this!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
