She moved out...now the work begins...Part 4

[SBJ]

Gordie, thanks for stopping by. The funny thing about all of our situations is that they are all very similar. Most of us are in it to win it, but our MLC'r has to figure out what is the priority in their lives.

I was directed to read the story of the prodigal son this morning (Luke 15:11-32)...and it is funny how easily we can replace the word son with spouse. They are wanting to take their share and go out into the world. They want to do the things that they think will fulfill their lives...because they feel that something is missing or that there is something more important for them to do in life. At times I feel like that father...sitting by the window and praying that she is alright and finding the true meaning of all of this. I don't want to hurt, but I don't want her to hurt either. Maybe that is selfless love...I don't really know. What I do know, is that the only thing I can do thru all of this is rely on God to give me the strength and courage to battle thru this thing.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

[Gordie]

I have used that term to describe my W many times. It does hurt to wait them out but it seems we have no other choice.

[SBJ]

Gordie, I agree that it hurts. It is crazy how she feels that I should be ok and friendly when she is ripping my family apart. It hurts that it seems that she feels nothing from the fact that our M and our friendship is disappearing. It hurts not to have that one person that you have talked to about anything and everything for the last 25 years not be there any more.

Everything about our situations hurt. There is no way around it. I have friends that are telling me to just get thru the D and move on, but I'm not made that way. I am the one that wants to keep my family together. I am the one that would never leave. I am the one that would never cheat. I am the one that would forgive her transgressions. I am the one that she could rely on to always be there for her. Yet, all that being said...this is out of my control.

[SBJ]

Just got off the phone with the W...kind of [censored]. Even though she was spewing about her relationship with her sister and BIL, it hurts not to be able to console her. I did my best to validate, but I'm not very good at it. She was pissed about rumors being spread about her and feel that they are coming from her sister. The rumors involve her and PA with OM. Again the W claims that it never happened, but I know that there was a EA and assumed a PA once she moved out.

How can we feel so betrayed by our spouse, yet still love them, get angry when they hurt, and still want things to work out between us?

I said at one point, "You know how I feel and what I want", and she replied that that was not possible if I still talked to her sister about our sitch. My response was that I don't speak to her about our sitch, but just common courtesy type things. They are my sons godparents and I am their daughters (my nieces) godfather. We live close and they call to check on me regularly.

The W is really upset about them...feels they are spreading rumors and also that they totally have disowned her. Again I tried to validate, but it was all I could do not to tell her to come home and we would deal with things together. I refrained from it, but man it was hard.

[Rouky]

SBJ even if it's hard you have done the right thing by standing by, validating her. Your wife has to understand that life is made of choices (good or bad depending how you see it) and she made some of them that has changed her path, so therefore it's new territory for her and she needs to realise that her taking this path has changed the dynamics.

Keep on your side of the road and carry on with your life. You got fired as her H, so unfortunately she can no longer rely on you.

[roist]

Good job on holding yourself back. Next time do so before letting her know your true feelings and what you want. Do not jump through her loops or conditions for any eventual reconciliation. She has to be the one willing and actually jumping through the hoops that you set up before that is even considered.

I know you want her back more than anything but that cannot be at any price. She needs to really change and prove her commitment before you even consider reconciliation. She needs to know that. Otherwise even if she comes back iit is doomed as she will not truly have risked losing you. You are a safe bet so she could come and go whenever she decides. You truly don't want that.

Best wishes

[SBJ]

Rouky...I am still trying to grasp the total counter-intuitive part of all of this. She was in tears while spewing about her sister today. It hurts not being there to comfort her.

My goals are to stand tall and live my life for my kids and myself for now. If she wants to re-join us down the road then she will have to make the choice to knock on the door.

[CaliGuy]

I know you want her back more than anything but that cannot be at any price. She needs to really change and prove her commitment before you even consider reconciliation. She needs to know that. Otherwise even if she comes back iit is doomed as she will not truly have risked losing you. You are a safe bet so she could come and go whenever she decides. You truly don't want that.

Wanted to echo this. Its tough in the beginning as you want/will do ANYTHING to just get them back home and try to work it out from there. I am telling you from experience do not do this. Cost me a hard long year in the process. You have to become a stronger man from this, also she has to feel the loss before she will ever start to make the changes required for a reconciliation ... if the door is wide open why would she come back knowing she can continue her actions regardless of who it hurts and how much because you are consistent in your actions/words of telling her you want her back which is allowing her to do as she wants. You will get to a point that you will actually say aloud .. here and to her .. I do not want her back with who she has become and what she is doing.

My goals are to stand tall and live my life for my kids and myself for now. If she wants to re-join us down the road then she will have to make the choice to knock on the door.

She will knock .. often... sometimes harder than others and like when we are kids she will run off and hide in the bushes once you answer just to make sure you are home, precisely where she left you.
Change your stance (this is not a goal), understand if she wants to work on the marriage you may be open to that if you see some significant change, till then you continue to stand for your M. Until then you will continue to improve despite her and her actions.

Hang in there, and maybe be less available for her to vent, she needs to miss that part of your relationship as well KWIM?

[Rose888]

I'm curious what you would do to "console" her if you were together?

One of the things I learned from my marriage crisis is that I was relying on H to make me OK emotionally and I was trying to take responsibility for his emotions and neither of those habits were bad for me, for H, and for our marriage.

Validation is the best response even in a healthy relationship.

[AndrewP]

SBJ - You did just fine and should be proud of yourself.

My own STBX started facing the rumours and talk before she moved out at which point it got a "lot" more specific I believe. In my case she never called me (about anything) and I probably wouldn't have been as compassionate as you were. She also never accused me of spreading any of the rumours although she perhaps may have thought it.

This is her journey and her choices and as much as you want to, you can't fix it for her and make it all better. I still remember one day a couple of weeks before she moved out STBX being incredibly down and I said that I wished there was something I could do to help. She turned away saying "No - It's all on me". I was so very proud of her that day.

I said at one point, "You know how I feel and what I want", and she replied that that was not possible if I still talked to her sister about our sitch. My response was that I don't speak to her about our sitch, but just common courtesy type things.

I hate to be cynical - these situations do that. I wouldn't believe that this was an offer of "if you do X then we can get back together". It was probably just her hurt.

Stay strong my friend and believe in yourself.