Courage, I have to say, I think you are aptly named! In reading your sitch, my heart goes out to you. Fortunately, when I went through D, my kids were all adults, out of the house. So, there was no back and forth with H trying to get him to do the right thing where they were concerned.
Kudos to you for fighting for that sweet girl! And for not wanting her to suffer needlessly. You sound like such a good mom. Hang in there!
Dawn, thank you. I REALLY needed to hear that today.
I think there is one significant item that I failed to report to those reading, an update of sorts.
In September 2015 my stbx was diagnosed with a brain tumor that is theorized to be malignant. I say theorized because it is in a location that makes it impossible to biopsy. It basically has taken over his entire hypothalamus. There seems to be some debate on how best to treat it but he has chosen the "wait and see and if it grows we attack it with radiation" route. The prognosis is rather nebulous. As long as it's not growing, he has about 10+ years. When it starts to grow ("when", not "if"), he may have from 3-12 months. He has scans every 3-6 months to track whether it's growing. He has put off the most recent scan that was due in November. Why? Because he is "getting his thyroid issue back under control". See, in 2013 he was diagnosed with thyroid cancer, had his thyroid removed along with about 27 lymph nodes and then had radioactive iodine treatment to kill off any remaining thyroid cells. He was put on thyroid hormone meds with strict instruction that if he lapsed in taking them or took them inconsistently, serious problems could occur and his cancer could come back. Well guess what. His thyroid cancer is back.
Yeah. I know.
Previously known as ss06 Kid: D9 M: 12 yrs together 18 D final: pending
"These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb." - Najwa Zebian
I think we all need to hear such things sometimes, Courage. I just saw a meme on facebook this morning something about being proud and for whatever reason, I felt compelled to share it with my daughters and my best friend's daughter who lost her mom a few years ago, so I have stepped into a somewhat motherly role for her. Anyway, all of the girls responded with love and thanks, but one also responded that she really needed to hear that right now.
Wouldn't the world be a better place if we all put as much effort into lifting each other up as we did in complaining about our trials and tribulations?
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Oy, the dance of the narcissist co-parent. Guys, really.
I'm tired of being yelled at, at being told I manipulate everything, being told I'm a "Monster", being told that I'm doing all I can to take our daughter away from him. The lies are exhausting. The spewing is overwhelming. The projection is nonstop.
I know what's behind it. He's afraid. I can hear it in his voice and the way he fights. He's afraid. I can absolutely empathize. This is terrifying, without question. But does that mean you lash out and verbally stab over and over and over? Does that mean you accuse the me of absolute falsities?
I can't sleep. I haven't eaten in two days. My heart pounds at the very thought of all of this and the damage this could do to my daughter. How do I protect her? How do I stay strong?
How do I get off the narcissistic roller coaster?
Previously known as ss06 Kid: D9 M: 12 yrs together 18 D final: pending
"These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb." - Najwa Zebian
Wait a minute - I'm not sure that you can make an accurate diagnosis of narcissism (OR ADHD) in the presence of thyroid cancer and a brain tumor.
Both of those things can seriously impair his thinking and memory so it's no wonder he can't get her to her karate classes.
Serious personality changes can happen with a brain tumor (benign or cancerous) and, to a lesser degree, with thyroid hormone imbalances.
So - even if he's always been a jerk, your approach to dealing with him right now has to take his serious mental handicaps into account.
Maybe it would help to look at him like someone with Alzheimer's. Would you expect your grandmother with Alzheimer's to get her to karate on time? Or would you make other arrangements to get her there, or perhaps take her out of grandma's care altogether?
If your ex is having so much difficulty, would he be willing to give up some custody? (Let him be weekend Disneyland dad and you have her during the week?) Or if not, can you document everything and then go to court to reduce his custody (as it sounds like his judgment and memory are impaired by his medical problems)?
Also - for your daughter - two things. First, look up data on phosphatidyl serine and ADD. It's a benign supplement that was shown in one study to work as well as Ritalin for kids with ADD, it's not a stimulant and usually no side effects.
Second - does she really have ODD, or could she possibly have some OCD instead? An older, but excellent book on the subject is The Boy Who Couldn't Stop Washing by Rappaport. Also an excellent parenting book for kids with extreme personality traits is Raising Your Spirited Child by Kurcinkas.
BTW - your ex may have failed to take his thyroid medication regularly BECAUSE he has a brain tumor that is messing up his memory and thinking. It sounds like he really needs help - is there anyone in his family that can assume a caretaking role for him right now?
You are likely to need full custody. There are a few things I believe I know:
Unless you have a formal diagnosis please don't do so yourself, look at the behaviour towards you, erratic, abusive and blaming, that's enough
Identify that abuse as systematic, there before your R and continuing afterwards
Boundaries and limits with abusers never work, they intensify the abuse. Compulsivity and splitting (black and white thinking) intensify under boundary limits
The best ways to deal with abusers is to get out of the way of being abused as much as you can, this will help your wonderful D9 to cope as you will be much less stressed
Parralel parent with your D9, not come parent. Provide a haven world in your home
Your abuser will show himself in his true colours, get out of the way of limiting his poor behaviour, you can't do so
Document, record, annotate, use email and text, preferably through a parenting monitoring programme there are several approved court tools
The more you stay cool, cease to react and deliberately remove your emotional reactions to your private time the better you will cope
It's ok to struggle, walk to the pain, accept your struggle, it's all on cue and it's ok.
Your D9 can thrive with one wonderful parent, that's you
If your abuser can't cope and D9 is late and without her shoes, books, dinner, etc note it. Make sure you over document, keep notes, get teachers, tutors etc to text or email you on the facts. Let go, let the ex parent in his haphazard abusive way, he will show his true colours all on his own. The quicker this happens the better.
Lies, well he will won't he? Liars, lie. It is their nature, abusers abuse. We are the crazy ones expecting them to be different, that's our expectation. We have no control over the lying and abuse. None, not one jot of control. ZILCH. All you have is your reaction, and if you go really? That's not how I see it or we both know that's not so or that's hilarious. My best ever response to the Giggalo was "I see you are talking about yourself".
You can't win, he can't win. The only way is not to play.
The pen is mightiest of all, as is the recorder and true witnesses. If necessary have D9 in therapy with a therapist prepared to stand for her best interest in court. One that doesn't need to also interview the abuser. Abuse therapy is important for D9. I think so.
This is a long campaign. You are truly able to do this I know.
Easy, calm, breathe and to a certain extent the enough rope and hang are appropriate.
It's tough I know
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thyroid disorder. Lack of thyroxine causes serious metabolic issues and is unlikely to cause personality disorder. Behavioural issues deriving from metabolic imbalances, confusion, severe tiredness and being weary.
Abuse?
Unlikely.
I have no thyroid function following radiotherapy in 2001, and am part of a large support group and usually thyroid removal has a damping effect on bad behaviour rather than enhancing. People with disorders can have thyroid issues too. Sort of like having a broken leg and Malaria.
Can't comment on the brain tumour, as I have no experience.
My 2c
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Lack of thyroid hormone causes depression, forgetfulness, and sometimes irritability. At extremes it can cause psychosis (high or low). It can also LOOK like ADD because short-term memory is poor.
Brain tumors,and other brain diseases,can cause severe personality changes, including abusive behavior. One example is football players that have Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy. Also degenerative brain diseases like Huntington's disease can cause erratic, abusive behavior. The medical literature is full of accounts of personality changes in brain tumor patients.
There's no point in reasoning with him if he has organic brain disease. Protecting your daughter and yourself (and him, if you can enlist a family member to help him) should be the priority.
Wait a minute - I'm not sure that you can make an accurate diagnosis of narcissism (OR ADHD) in the presence of thyroid cancer and a brain tumor.
He had ADHD long before the thyroid cancer or brain tumor diagnosis. Like over 20+ years before either.
Originally Posted By: kml
Both of those things can seriously impair his thinking and memory so it's no wonder he can't get her to her karate classes.
He has never been able to manage a schedule, plan for the future, consider the impact of his actions on anyone else... these are all executive function issues stemming from ADHD. He pays bills late, can't use a calendar with alerts to help him remember appointments, has terrible time management and prioritization skills and ALWAYS has. These existed long before the thyroid or brain tumor. I've known him since he was 19 and have met friends of his who has known him since childhood and they have said that he was always that way.
Originally Posted By: kml
Serious personality changes can happen with a brain tumor (benign or cancerous) and, to a lesser degree, with thyroid hormone imbalances. So - even if he's always been a jerk, your approach to dealing with him right now has to take his serious mental handicaps into account.
You're absolutely right, kml, though I have no idea how. He seems "stable" for a couple months, easier to work with, somewhat communicative and sometimes even pleasant and friendly and then out of no where he's angry, yelling, accusing me of doing things I haven't done and never, ever would. He becomes vindictive and full of rage and says I manipulate everything. He projects everything onto me and, by the way, it is ALL my fault.
He inconsistently takes his thyroid meds which impacts his energy significantly (and possibly behavior), he's on adderal for ADHD but he takes that inconsistently, too. I think he's on an antidepressant that he takes inconsistently as well and because the brain tumor has taken over his hypothalamus, he is on testosterone shots as well, and those can bring on anger/argumentativeness also.
To say it's a roller coaster is to put it mildly.
Originally Posted By: kml
Maybe it would help to look at him like someone with Alzheimer's. Would you expect your grandmother with Alzheimer's to get her to karate on time? Or would you make other arrangements to get her there, or perhaps take her out of grandma's care altogether?
No, I wouldn't expect someone with alzheimers to take on any real responsibility of any kind but he INSISTS that my standards are too high in order to absolve himself of having to take any responsibility at all.
Originally Posted By: kml
If your ex is having so much difficulty, would he be willing to give up some custody? (Let him be weekend Disneyland dad and you have her during the week?) Or if not, can you document everything and then go to court to reduce his custody (as it sounds like his judgment and memory are impaired by his medical problems)?
He is literally fighting me SO HARD for between 6% and 10% custody. Yep, you read that right. We currently have a 40/60 custody split with the overwhelming majority of our daughter's karate/piano, etc falling on MY nights because he not only struggles to get her anywhere on time but he doesn't ensure she has what she needs, etc. This is his example of me being too controlling and having exceptionally high expectations. It's not too much to ask that she get to karate, on time (if not a little early so she can settle into the transition since that's a struggle for her sometimes) with everything she needs for a successful class behaviorally, emotionally, and physically. These are not new extracurriculars. These existed before separation and are GOOD for her in a myriad of ways.
He wants 50% custody and is willing to take me to court for it. I have proposed private mediation and his attorney said he was open that but I'm not totally sure of that because he keeps threatening to file a motion with the court. He doesn't want to be seen as the Disneyland dad but that is actually what he is: the "let's go do something fun and forget about any responsibilities like managing / monitoring screen time, getting meds on time consistently, consistent bedtimes, getting showers consistently, etc". He wants the credit for being a "good dad" but is unable to take on the responsibility that goes with it. He doesn't even know our daughter's dentist's name let alone where she is located and even if he ever did take her (which he has never done) he wouldn't communicate anything the dentist said back to me so I then either have to draaaaag it out of him, call the dentist directly or perhaps even take our daughter BACK for a follow-up that he should have handled or communicated.
It's a nightmare.
He wants 50/50 custody because, as he says, "he has a brain tumor and he doesn't know how long he'll actually have to spend precious time with" our daughter but, on weekends he has her he sleeps in until noon. How is that precious time?
Originally Posted By: kml
Also - for your daughter - two things. First, look up data on phosphatidyl serine and ADD. It's a benign supplement that was shown in one study to work as well as Ritalin for kids with ADD, it's not a stimulant and usually no side effects.
Second - does she really have ODD, or could she possibly have some OCD instead? An older, but excellent book on the subject is The Boy Who Couldn't Stop Washing by Rappaport. Also an excellent parenting book for kids with extreme personality traits is Raising Your Spirited Child by Kurcinkas.
She is officially and clinically diagnosed with ADHD and ODD by a panel of doctors (each with a different area of expertise) through USC Children's Hospital. She exhibited no signs traits of OCD.
I plan to bring up stbx's health issues with the private mediator even though he has specifically asked me to "not use his health against him". I feel that if he's using it as a way to acquire custody that he genuinely cannot handle, I then can express my genuine concern about it. I'm insecure about that though. I feel like it's fighting dirty even though I know deep down I have to fight for what's right for D9 and that may mean less time with her dad.
I hate this. Every single second of it.
Previously known as ss06 Kid: D9 M: 12 yrs together 18 D final: pending
"These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb." - Najwa Zebian
