Altair, although I'm not the best DB'er I couldn't imagine ML to my H right now because he hasn't indicated he wants to recommit to the marriage as yet let alone if he told me he wanted D. From what you wrote though I'm thinking that this might have been your 'swan song' to enable you to let go of H....?
Just be careful Altair. Except for the D part he said everything you wanted to hear. If he wants to rebuild starting with a friendship then he shouldn't want anything physical right now so as Sotto said pull right back and set your boundaries.
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
He's in the mind frame of wanting a divorce...so why become his booty call when he feels the need? Being a friend doesn't mean you use that person for your own personal gains. Being a friend to a MLCer is just that. No more booty calls, especially now that he's wanting a divorce. Protect yourself, get yourself checked out because you don't know where he's been and w/whom.
I agree w/Sotto, don't contact him and remind him of the date. Leave it to him to contact you.
Unfortunately, your h wants it all, the divorce, the freedom to date w/o feeling guilty, an ex-wife that is home waiting on him to call and yes...even the booty call. Nope, that's not how a divorce works.
I'm sorry he's dropped this info on you, but now you know where his mind is at...he needs that piece of paper to think that things will change...they will...you just won't be there waiting on him any longer...the rest will remain the same for him.
Put the focus back on you and step back and maintain your boundaries.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I agree with all of you- no more of the ML, we talked about that. As far as him seeing OW, I'm not seeing a shred of that. And sure, he might end up doing so, that's how this works. The main point is he is (still) a deeply depressed person. He is getting help, he has realized it will be a long and slow journey for him to get better, IF he ever can. This is the main driving force for everything. I know I am not equipped to handle being with someone with a mental illness right now in my life. He's holed himself up in his apartment and spends a lot of time alone- he needs to continue his therapy. I need to continue to work on myself. So he wants a D. All that will come along with that is for him to deal with and to learn. I have GALed I have a new friend group, I am enjoying as best I can my new life here. He hasn't done any of these things. He's very depressed and confused, and I will leave him be.
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
To answer some questions- yes, there is an age gap with probably factors into this in various ways. No, he doesn't want children.
The ML- that was my doing, my booty call for myself. H is really socially awkward. He's dated/been with very few women, and each time, he immediately fuses with them and stays with them for years. He told me he's never really been single in his adult life. Not to play and date but he's saying he doesn't even know what he wants because he's a people pleaser and immediately thinks about what his partner wants. He is very lost and has no idea what he wants to do with his life wrt work, where he wants to live, goals, etc.
I heard shades of positivity, like some of his therapy work is getting him thinking. This might be meaningless, but everytime he brought up D it was immediately matched with "then we can start fresh" and "I can do this right this time" "my therapists says we can D and remarry" and next time I don't want to elope I want a proper wedding... etc. It was uh, an interesting conversation.
We decided that if we meet, it'd be for dinner (public place, 2 cars, no shennanigans) and talk about light things- (AP, That's it! I've got the book I want you to read if you haven't already, or, read it again-- Kundera. The Unbearable Lightness of Being)
We will not talk about D, our past problems. We will talk about funny stuff, our day, positivity. Even if it doesn't come to pass, just to be thought of not as the black weight pulling him deeper into the lagoon is a great value to me. He avoided talking to me because I upset him. I hate that! Separating out these things in his mind makes me feel better about myself.
And the D- his paperwork journey. Who knows what will happen when the printer starts churning. I won't be there for it. He said, for now, he is not going to do anything regards to that. He wants to continue therapy, and see where the job hunt goes.
And for me-- 2017-- what will it bring? Who knows! Game night invite tonight (that is going to be a thing, I can see for sure), more travel for work (Toronto!) more IT training, some crazy new stuff that I hope will lead to future dream jobs. It's weird, you get older in IT but in my case my experience has always been valued, hopefully that sticks. Will I move? Get a fish? we don't know. I don't know!
Altair, please use spacing between your paragraphs. It makes it easier for us to read. Thanks!
Last edited by job; 01/15/1712:21 PM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
I agree with the others.I hadn't realised he was already decided on D.
Best wishes.
Maybe if my W decides to leave I too will get "one for the road" haha.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
