I feel like I know so many of you through your posts. I've been reading posts in this forum for two and half years but never posted. I think it's about time I did, so I can have someone else (besides my own inner voice) help me through this roller coaster.
Long story short...I have been separated for three years. I bought the DR book 6 months after being separated. I read it half heartedly, skipping sections that I thought only pertained to me. I was already doing all the wrong things, begging pleading, giving him too much attention. Over the course of the three years we have gone through cycles of spending a lot of time together to no contact at all for weeks at a time. He is very straight forward with me telling me "I would rather be with you than anyone else but our arguing is not something I want in our life anymore" He still calls or texts everyday. It's usually about the kids or finances. If I don't respond within that day he says I'm seeking revenge and acting unfriendly. He dates frequently, even when he's showing me a lot of attention. I convince myself that he's not, although he is truthful when I ask and says he does talk with other women. Right now he is dating someone that he calls his "friend" BUT during on of my most frequent episodes of asking him about dating a certain woman (I was crying and not applying the DR strategies) he said he was tired of this and he had a woman he liked a lot and wanted to introduce her to our kids and she is someone he sees having in his life for a while.
A couple of weeks later he did introduce one of my kids to her. It destroyed me. But I kept my cool didn't bring it up to him and kept my distance. He finally texted me and said "I want you to see your behavior change and think of it objectively " he called and wanted me to explain. I told him that introducing our D to his girlfriend has put things into prospective for me. That I feel like he cares about me a lot but also wants to be happy and that he deserves that in his life. He said "I don't know why you're calling her my girlfriend, that's just you trying to cause trouble"
I can't keep falling in this trap. I know he loves me and I know he would rather be home than anywhere else. I know he needs me to just "act normal" as he says and be nice and friendly. However, I'm not so sure that we are the right fit together anymore. I love him more than anything. But it's been three years and I'm tired.
I have now read the entirety of the DR book and have begun reading a few more self help books. I am beginning to GAL
M-49 H-52 D-21 D-20 D-17 Married 20 years Separated - Since 01/2014
Wow. Three years. Can you provide more info? Ages? How long together? How many kids? What caused the separation? Other factors?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I'm 47 H 50. Married for 20 years. Three Ds 19,18,15. The separation was caused by us just not getting along. A lot of arguing, different parenting styles, a lot of unfair fighting. Years of verbal disrespect, (never physical). The things I did wrong was not appreciating the provider he was, not respecting the father he was, and not listening to what he really wanted from me.
We separated once before for about 6 months and got back together. However, we didn't fix our issues and along with the same issues came my insecurities of him dating while we were separated. We were back together for 2 years before separating again.
He has his issues too, but after reading DR and posts here I know there is nothing I can do about that. I just have to focus on me.
We have contact almost everyday, usually about family or finances. He is dating someone right now. He still shows interest in me also.
M-49 H-52 D-21 D-20 D-17 Married 20 years Separated - Since 01/2014
We have contact almost everyday, usually about family or finances. He is dating someone right now. He still shows interest in me also
So, correct me if I'm wrong, but you two are still married, no? And he's dating someone else and introducing your children to them? Wow.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Hazy, I'm sorry you've been going through this for so long. That's got to be extremely tough to sustain. As you know, this is a great place full of great folks. Update your signature with some details so folks can better understand your situation.
That said, what are you doing for your GAL right now? Are you exercising? Are you going out with friends? What is the longest you've gone without talking to your H? Do you really need to talk to him every day?
On the arguing you mentioned previously. Was that initiated by you or him? What issues do you believe you have hat contributed to both S? Are you seeing an IC bc they can definitely help with all of this. Sorry for all the questions, but the more detail you have the more folks can help. Hang in there and know that you are not alone.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
It sounds like you have identified some of your issues with your H: not listening, not appreciating, being disrespectful. It's hard to admit those things, so good for you.
It sounds like H having a GF and introducing her to your children crosses your boundaries, correct? If so, what are the consequences?
Have you read DB or DR or the homework above? How have you applied it to your situation?
So sorry you find yourself in this situation but you are stronger than you think and can get through this.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
That should be the first non-acceptable boundary and introducing kids to them is over the top.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Jeep- yes, we are still LEGALLY married but not tied to each other anymore as husband and wife in the marital sense. It's pure financial. I'm able to keep his insurances, etc. It does suck for me that he has introduced a GF to one of my Ds BUT it has been three years. I'm not making excuses for him, just a fact. I wish this wasn't the case.
Gordie - Thanks Gordie for recognizing my efforts. I've been in my own fog for too long. I read somewhere, that everyone's timeline is different for clearing their head and pulling up their bootstraps in order to move forward. I think this is what has finally happened with me. I can't believe it's been three years. Him introducing her has crossed a boundary for me. Somehow it has made it real that he's not choosing me. And I don't want my Ds to think that I'm weak (I'm not even sure if that's the right word I want to use) I haven't spoken a lot with him. He doesn't like this. He says nothing has changed and I shouldn't show him any less attention. Obviously I don't agree. I did go and have dinner with him Saturday night. He called and asked and I accepted. The only reason I did was because I said no to two previous requests and going by the LRT it states to accept some invitations but not all. We did have a nice dinner but I made sure to leave early.
It - thank you for acknowledging that I'm going through a rough time. It actually brought me to tears because I put on such a strong front to everyone. Friends know my situation and have been there for me but it's hard for me to to tell people I'm still struggling. I have been GAL just recently. I actually invited a lot of friends over for dinner and wine and we had lots of laughs. I've been going out more with my D to bookstores, thrift stores, etc. just to get out of the house. And I have made sure to see a few sunrises and sunsets which I love taking photos of. My contribution to our separation was honestly not being secure with myself. I was very untrusting for absolutely no reason. I argued a lot and challenged him a lot about anything. He is the type of man that likes to be in charge of his household. And I challenged him with almost every decision because I felt like he was trying to be controlling. I have finally realized through lots and lots of reading and soul searching that the reason I was/am like this is because I felt unlovable. So what was wrong with him that he loved me so much. He had to be faking or very conniving and making a fool out of me. I made these stories up in my mind because of rejection I felt growing up. I have not seemed counseling yet, however, that is my next step.
Last edited by Cristy; 01/19/1711:19 AM. Reason: As stated in our OnLine Community Board Rules, we do not allow recommendations of non-DivorceBusting books / websites / blogs etc
M-49 H-52 D-21 D-20 D-17 Married 20 years Separated - Since 01/2014
and have begun reading a few more self help books. I am beginning to GAL
