Gordie: Pulling it all together

[Gordie]

Okay, decided I needed to take a step back and see where I've been so that I can make the right decisions about going forward...things are better, but I'm still headed for separation and/or divorce...

With heavy plagiarism from Divorce Remedy, Chapter 9:

Pulling it all together

Gordie and W were married for twenty years and had five children, elementary to high school age. They were college sweethearts, committed Christians, and our first loves. Gordie had very fond memories of their early years of marriage but admitted that he and W had grown apart for quite some time. Nevertheless, he didn’t see their distance as a crisis. He was a hard worker and provided well for his family. He didn’t drink or stay out late with the guys and he was faithful. In other words, he thought he was a pretty good husband and father.

For the first fifteen years, W sas a SAHM who, to him, seemed content with her involvement with the children and their daily lives. After baby #5, W started to make some changes. She lost weight and got in shape; she started exploring other religious beliefs; she made new friends (mostly single and divorced women); and she decided she wanted to work outside the home and start her own business. All of these changes made Gordie anxious, but he supported her, but not as much as he could have: he took a lot more responsibility for childcare on the weekends so that W could explore her new interests; he paid for her to take classes and travel; and he funded her new business.

That’s why Gordie was shocked when W announced that she no longer wanted to be married. W initially told Gordie that he had been a great husband and father and that he didn’t do anything wrong, but that they had just drifted apart. Later, in an angry outburst, W told Gordie that he didn’t listen to her, understand her and support her. Why did he get to have a rich, rewarding career while she was at home raising the children and being a homemaker? And when Gordie asked her why if she had been so unhappy she hadn’t told him, she grew furious, stating that she had tried for many years to get through to him but apparently he hadn’t been listening. Later still, W said that she was in love with two men at the same time--Gordie and a 22 year old employee--though she stated that there had been no physical relationship so far. Gordie was devastated.

He fantasized about running away or killing himself, just to end the pain of dealing with this nightmare, but he knew that both options would be cowardly and only make things worse. Although still devastated, Gordie decided to try to sort through his feelings and start the seven-step program to save his marriage.

Step Number 1 –Start with a beginner’s mind

Gordie had some unlearning to do. When W told him of her discontent, he vacillated between intense anger and desperation. His anger stemmed from the fact that he believed that he had been a near-perfect husband and that W had temporarily lost her mind. He felt like a victim and he was furious.

Gordie had to learn that regardless of what he thought about their marriage, W had a different perspective and he had to do some soul searching to try to understand why W has been so unhappy. As long as Gordie continued to play the blame game, he risked W walking out the door. Even if he found her perspective hard to follow, he needed to make every effort to be more empathetic—quickly. He also needed to accept that, whether he liked it or not, he was going to have to take responsibility for turning things around in their marriage. He had to internalize the notion that one person can change a marriage singlehandedly and that one person had to be him.

Step Number 2—Know what you want

Original Goals
Goal 1—I want my W to stay married to me
*She will stop bringing up D in conversation
*When she talks about the future, I want to be included
*She will give me words of affirmation

Goal 2—W has to get the POM out of her life
*W will acknowledge that his presence is not good for our M
*W will say that she will stop going out to lunch with him and buying him presents
*W will say talk about them not working together

Goal 3—I want us to be happy together
*We will go on weekly dates together
*We will go on vacation together, just the two of us
*W will initiate sex with me

Step Number 3—Ask for what you want

Gordie didn’t want to pursue or initiate a R discussion, so he planned out what he wanted to say and waited until W initiated a R discussion. Despite his best efforts, things did not go well. W told Gordie that she had been unhappy for a very long time and that he refused to spend what remained of his life in a miserable situation. W told Gordie that because she didn’t feel close, that she usually felt used when they had sex. W couldn’t fathom how insensitive Gordie had been to her feelings. W also informed Gordie that she had no intention of ending the relationship with POM, instead she wanted to foster and consummate it, that she could see herself marring him and having the relationship that she always wanted.

In the days that followed, Gordie reconsidered his commitment to their marriage. He was so surprised at W’s reactions and the vehemence with which he stated them that he began to wonder whether W was still the same women he married years ago. He questioned why he would even want to stay in a marriage with a W who wasn’t ready to drop the POM immediately. He felt he was losing touch with reality and felt desperate. He felt so much shame about his situation that he felt there was no one to whom he could turn. He was at a loss.

He thought more about his marriage, reflected on their shared history, the happy times, their children, and a sadness overwhelmed him. He also thought about the commitment they had made to each other and to God on the day of their wedding—until death do us part. So, for better or for worse, Gordie decided that he was going to stop fighting with W and star fighting for their marriage. Realizing that Step 3 didn’t bring about positive results, he had to proceed with Step Number 4—Going down cheeseless tunnels.

Step Number 4—Going down cheeseless tunnels

Gordie realized that his marriage was truly on shaky ground. If he pushed W too much, he recognized that W would be right out the door. In fact, he believed that W would probably seek solace with the POM. This was the last thing he wanted. It was enormously difficult for him to restrain himself from really letting her have it about his immoral and irresponsible behavior, but he knew that if he were to hound her about the POM or anything else, their marriage probably wouldn’t survive. He made a choice to become solution-oriented rather than to allow his emotions to be his guide. Gordie recognized that if his marriage had a chance of surviving, he would have to look inward and change himself first. This was a truly humbling experience for him, especially because he felt so raw.
He also recognized that, as unfair and unreasonable as it might be, it was Goride who had to woo his W back. Because W had allowed his negative feelings about their marriage to fester too long, she was less motivated to work on their marriage than he was. Gordie decided to be realistic about his predicament. Gordie was going to have to take the lead.

Gordie realized that there was more merit in what W had been saying to him. In the early years of their marriage, they spent all of their free time together and talked endlessly. As time passed and their lives diverged, days, weeks, months could pass without meaningful conversation or alone time or date nights. When W started to make changes in her life, Gordie was emotionally anxious and either ignored what was happening or was critical instead of listening, understanding and being supportive. He vowed to stop criticizing and finding reasons to listen and compliment W whenever possible.

Gordie figured out that pressuring W to cut off all contact with POM was premature. From what W said, it was clear she wasn’t ready to commit to their marriage. Gordie knew that if W cornered, W would probably opt to pursue POM even if, in the long run, it wasn’t in his or anyone’s best interests. He knew that insisting upon an ultimatum was not going to work in his favor. So, as impossible as it seemed to him at the time, he promised himself that he would put the POM issue on the back burner for the time being.

At the same time, Gordie had taken to heart what W had been saying about their marital intimacy. He wasn’t quite sure what to do but he knew that something needed to change. He didn’t want W to feel used and he knew that sometimes they still had very passionate lovemaking, so all was not lost. He decided he would stop initiating and let her come to him.

In summary, Gordie determined that these were the more of the same behaviors that he needed to stop immediately:
*Being critical and negative
*Pressuring W to end her relationship with POM
*Initiating sex

Then Gordie asked himself, what should I do instead? He was ready for Step Number 5.

Step Number 5—Experiment and monitor results

Weeks one and two

Gordie decided to follow the advice outlined in a Do a 180. For Gordie, Doing a 180 meant that, even in his state of confusion, anger, and resentment, he try to spend quality time with W every day, attentively listening to her; and to be more loving, understanding, affectionate and appreciate of W.
He wrote down what he wanted to tell W, explaining that he finally understood why she was feeling so distant from her. He assumed responsibility for behaviors that increased the distance between them, like not spending enough time together, fearing and being critical of change, and emotionally disconnected sexual relations that left her feeling used. He asked for forgiveness. He also complimented her on the positive changes she had made in her life to be healthy, to look great, to start her own business.

He waited to share these things the next time she initiated a R discussion. It was his hope that these words would demonstrate that he was really listening to her and taking her words to heart and taking responsibility for his failures in their marriage.
Gordie had his hopes up that this conversation would be a turning point, but unfortunately, it didn’t turn out that way. W listened carefully to what Gordie had to say, expressed appreciation for the fact that he said it, but felt like all of these changes and discussions were too little, too late. W said that she still loves Gordie, that they are soul mates, that they will always be connected, but that we have to get divorced for our relationship to grow, but that she is willing to risk everything in order to pursue a relationship with POM even if it doesn’t work out or else she will live the rest of her life with regret and what ifs.

W’s response upset Gordie tremendously. He had been feeling fairly certain that W would be responsive, but he was wrong. He started to imagine what his life would be like without her and the thought terrified him. Despite their problems, in his heart, Gordie always knew that they would be together forever. W was pulling the rug out from beneath his feet.

Weeks three and four

Gordie realized he had to get a grip on himself and stop pursuing W in any way. He had to devise a plan to deal with his feelings of insecurity. He decided to confide in a couple of friends about what was happening in his marriage. They were extremely supportive and this comforted him tremendously.

Rather than work on their marital problems, W kept her distance. They weren’t fighting, but they weren’t talking about their R either. Gordie realized that if their marriage was going to get back on track, it was not going to be a speedy process. He tried to prepare for the long journey back to feeling close again. He decided that he would have to be more patient, more patient that he had ever been before, and that he would have to let W know that she was going to be his friend while he went on his own journey.

He knew that, no matter how hard it was for him to do, he needed to give her space to sort things out his way. Gordie needed to get back on track and stick to his plan of backing off.

Weeks five to eight

During the next three weeks, Gordie and W had several ups and downs. When he gave her space and avoided R discussions, things were calm. When he voiced any discontent or questioned her at all about her actions or intentions, things deteriorated. On one hand, the calm felt better than the storm, but he also felt that he was sweeping things under the carpet. W started initiating more R discussions and opening up more about her anger, her fears, her desires, her frustrations, and her resentments. Gordie listened and validated. At the end of the eight weeks, W initiated sex for the first time since BD and it was glorious.

Months three and four

Over the next two months, Gordie saw continued signs of improvement. Gordie and W were spending more time together. W started texting and calling him. W started flirting and W was initiating sex more often. W expressed feeling closer, but that hasn’t changed her mind about wanting to S or D. Lawyers have been called and they are actively working on the separation agreement.

Step Number 6—Take stock

Q. On a one-to-ten scale, where on the scale would you say you were prior to starting the program?
Two
Q. Where on the scale would you say you are right now?
Five/Six
Q. Are you satisfied?
No
Q. How much time would have to pass without major setbacks in order for me to feel that these changes are permanent ones?
I’m not sure how to answer this question because of pending separation or divorce and POM.

[Gordie]

Prior thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2722615#Post2722615

[010207]

I'm new and certainly no expert Gordie. But to me this sounds positive. I say keep doing what you're doing. Everyone says this is a long road. Sounds like you're on the right track.

Sounds like she's teetering on the fence. I think the fact that you're having sex and she's initiating it is huge. Sex for most women is emotional. I think if she was really done, she wouldn't be doing that.

I hope I'm right! Lots of luck

[ForGump]

Great recap, Gordie!

[Gordie]

010207--Thanks for the encouragement. I'm trying to enjoy the improvement in our relationship and live in the present but it's really hard not to think about the pending separation and divorce.

ForGump--Thanks. I wish I could fix some of the typos and mixed up gender pronouns but it was a good thought exercise to see where I've been, the commonality in my twists and turns, and a reminder of the DB/DR steps.

[maly]

Hi Gordie,be care full she could be cake eating with you,hope not but could be,all this happened with my w thought she was coming round ,even telling me she loved me every day,but in the end I learned she was cake eating,but she had me fooled,

[Gordie]

Thanks and sorry to hear that happened to you. I know that cake eating is a distinct possibility. In fact, she says that's what she wants--both of us! She's not hiding that. Has anyone else faced this? I've had one R discussion of not wanting to be in a three way relationship but we haven't spoken of it in months since I decided speaking of POM was not doing any good.

[maly]

Also at the time she was saying I love you every day to me,we was getting on really well so I thought good sex and everything ,then one day I had a gut feeling,and followed her,and she went to hotel with om that's when I found out she was cake eating,not spoke to her since that day was in July,that kinda knocked me out,I was broken,in shock,you name it I felt it cried for 2 weeks dident eat,I'm a lot better now,but she tottaly blindsided me and betrayed me,

[Gordie]

I was reading an old thread over in MLC by fisherman and got struck by something the said about his W that applies to my W:

She doesn't share her feelings easily. In her childhood, she learned that good girls don't share their true feelings but do what they are told. My W has alluded to that and think that was the fatal flaw in her mother's R with her father.

When these realizations come to you, do you discuss them with your spouse? Would it help to show empathy and understanding or is this something better to remain unspoken.

[KentS]

Hi Gordie!

Its been years since I visited my old hangout. I read your threads and wanted to tell you to be proud of your progress. Regardless of your W's choices, you will be a better man for it, you will have the strength to move onward and upward. I hope you are making time for yourself aside from focusing on your M. This is vitally important for your sanity.

Kent