WW confused about the future.

[JRuss]

So make it not so. Make it so you not only have the will to let go, you HAVE let go.

Maybe think about it this way: you've been very successful career-wise. Obviously, when faced with difficult problems in that environment, you've figured out what needs to be done, and you've done those things well. People don't advance otherwise. So you absolutely have everything it takes to detach and rebuild yourself into the Man you want to be, which is a man only a fool would leave. It's a project that needs doing. There are a bunch of elements to that project (you've been told many times in this thread what they are). Get cracking. Do those things and do them well. Your W might notice. She might not. But either way, you'll be free of the pain that's with you constantly right now. That's a great payoff. Make it happen.

[Sotto]

Hi Excile, I'm sorry you are finding it hard to move forwards after your D has finalised. For me it was something of a light switch and this man was no longer my husband - just someone else's boyfriend and that did help me to let go.

I notice you are also in the UK and one thing that really helped me was Divorce Recovery Workshop. If you google that, there are a number of local groups who organise workshops for separated and divorced people.

WRT your XW, I think (for yourself) you need to work towards letting go of your great desire to reconcile. How is that helping and serving you? Please put your focus on healing from this and moving forward independently following your divorce. In truth, I would even think reconciliation may be more likely if you do this - but don't do it for that reason - do it because there is a life to be lived - your life!

Presumably you are living separately now, so why do you see the kids at your W's residence? It would be perfectly reasonable for you to pick them up and drop them off, spending quality time with them at your own place. All of this is within your gift. I think you just need to have a think about what works for you now. If reconciliation is to happen here, it won't happen this month, or next - so how can you live life as your best self during that time?

Let's see you making some plans to shape the life you want, given all present circumstances. Also, you may find the book 'growing through divorce' by Jim Smoke helpful.

Good luck with everything my friend

[maly]

Lo my friend,I'm sorry about your sitch'but your not listening to what every one is telling you,stay away from her,no contact unless its emergency,we all been there she is treating you like a door mat no offence intended sorry about the 4x2,and when she wants some thing fixed tell to do her self or better still don't even reply,

[excile101]

Hi Sotto and thanks for your advice.

My current set up is that I have the kids for dinner during the week at my rented place and they stay over every other Saturday night. I get to see them as often as I want as my ex W is very happy for me to be involved in their activities and help them with homework. My ex and I talk and get on ok. She lives day to day looking after the kids and doesn't have a social life apart from seeing her family occasionally. I live independently and we generally only talk about the kids. There is no sign that she would want a reconciliation right now and I am not sure what the process should be and if I should be initiating this. It's hard for me to move on without knowing if this would be a possibility. We have been living apart for a year now so I am used to my own company and the new routine. Be great to know for sure as this would certainly help me change my mind set..but I'm no mind reader so I am stuck in limbo..

[Gordie]

Excile101, I feel your pain. Your W wanting to go to church after D was finalized so you could all pray for strength...I could see my W asking me to do that. You are fortunate to see your kids as much as you desire...I'm hoping for the same.

***There is no sign that she would want a reconciliation right now and I am not sure what the process should be and if I should be initiating this. It's hard for me to move on without knowing if this would be a possibility. We have been living apart for a year now so I am used to my own company and the new routine. Be great to know for sure as this would certainly help me change my mind set..but I'm no mind reader so I am stuck in limbo.***

If you read the book and the threads on here, and you desire to reconcile, you need to commit for the long haul. The D was just finalized, there are no signs of wanting to reconcile, why do you think you are in limbo? As everyone here says, let go...detach...GAL...what are your GAL activities besides throwing yourself into your work?

[excile101]

I don't really get out much. I see my friends on occasion and I love writing music at home. I am usually too shattered after a days work but I am planning on going to the gym more. I am involved with the kids a lot of the time which keeps me busy.

My ex W has recently asked if I want to go out to a psychic evening with her next month. Not sure weather this is just as friends hanging out or if she plans on it being a "Date" Not my usual idea of a fun night out but it's a start I guess. I can't be that bad if she wants to spend an evening with me although I am a bit sceptical about where this is all going.

[doodler]

excile101,

What's a "psychic evening"?

[Sotto]

Hi Excile, you may feel in limbo, but I don't feel you are if your D has finalised. I think any feeling of limbo may be self-imposed by the contact you maintain with her. I would be tempted to leave her to her own devices more and make some nice plans for yourself...casually date a little if you feel you'd like to - you're a free agent now...

I'm not saying you'll never reconcile - who knows if you remain open to it, she may want to at some point - just don't put your own life on hold...go make plans...

[excile101]

I realise that I am a free agent now and I live my life, however uneventful, the way I want. I have thrown myself into my career and spend my free time with either friends or the children. I enjoy my own company and like to relax when I am home.

I am concerned though that any dating would close the door on my ex W. I think she might pull away and give up on the idea if she wasn't my first choice. The other problem has been her relying on me to have the kids and help her out which I am happy to do. As I mentioned before, she has been suggesting we go out together which is not dating as such but a start. Any third party involved would put a stop to that too.

It's a difficult situation to navigate as I cannot stop contact with her because of the kids and we enjoy our chats. There may be nothing else discussed at the moment but distancing myself would just make her pull away further.

[excile101]

Well I have got myself in a strange situation. I have an office girl that has a crush on me. We have been messaging for two weeks and I took her out last night on a date. She is only 19 years old and very attractive. I thought it would help my confidence and boost my ego, which it did at first but she just wants me to show her a good time and spend money on her. She finds my position in my job attractive and feels like a VIP. I have given her lots of compliments and I felt alive for a while. I now can see this was a big mistake and we have nothing in common except our job. It's all made me miss my ex W more as I know what kind of woman I would really want.
This girl is a welcome distraction from everything that has happened although I now need to think about ending it gently without to much fall out. If my ex found out, I doubt reconciliation would be an option.. What do you guys advise I do here?