Walked away due to financial infidelity

[Origina]

I think I've had a small epiphany ... I can't forget the chasing he did ...but we're now at the the stage where he is stuck wondering if single life is easier than sorting life with me. At least he's open to try.


Having read the opening chspter of divorce busting I feel terribly guilty about my first marriage yet I know I did an awful lot to try to rectify it. My ex (and my partners ex) still don't brlgve they did anything wrong in the marriages.
I've summarised above some of the issues but it's nowhere near started on the full story so my excuses for ending marriage seem lame. Suffice to say, my ex wanted a door mat for a wife, he said he was perfectly happy about our life. He truly didn't believe he had any part in the downfall if it. I could have stayed and worked on it more after reading db book but I 100% believe it would have still been the same outcome just with damaged children. He didn't want to work on marriage when told of my decision to want divorce. He thought I was mental because he believes he's a great husband! He was "better"if he compared himself to his mates but they were very low in the scale anyway!!

[Origina]

I'm going to have to stop doing little summaries because I'm not doing myself, the situation or my ex any favours. I keep trying to summarise something that's taken years and a few sentences don't do it justice.

[Cadet]

My suggestion is to turn the focus to YOU.

Set goals for YOU not your relationship,
then post how you are working towards those goals
and how that changes your life.

[Origina]

Thank you.
My db book hasn't arrived yet so I know my goals will need working on when I've read that chapter... he's a start...
It's embarrassing to admit but I'm scared of setting goals for myself because I'm scared I'll make myself fall out of love with my partner to save myself from any potential hurt.

One goal is to make sure I make the loan payments as agreed so I have peace of mind I am doing what I said I would

I want to complete my Masters degree- I got given extra time as applied for special extenuating circumstances to give me breathing space.

I want to learn from my mistakes and not repeat them

I want to get back into a fitness routine so I don't feel lazy

It's difficult making goals that don't involve my relationship at the moment

[Origina]

We've had a some weirdly therapeutic days just lately.

I went out with my friends Friday night and he text me before I went out we rallied a few texts back and forth and I said I wouldn't text anymore that night because out with friends etc
And I didn't (new record for me)
But he text me

Having a sad half hr, you'll prob see this tomorrow, but at least I'm talking!!!
Heads like a tumble dryer

This was about midnight

My tipsy reply
Well I'm not where I thought I'd be,
I hate what I've done to you
Maybe I should just leave you to it
You'd be better off without me
I disnt mean to do ought wrong
be single, I'll be single and we'll move on and be happy
I'm so sorry xxx

Him
I hate how you say we be single and move on!!!!
We'd not be thinking about single if you'd not done what you have, was hoping you'd not reply, thought you'd left phone at home???

Me
I'm out still
And I love you
But you want to be single

Him
At what point have I said I want to be single?????
I love you and that's what's giving me the energy to try and forgive you!!!!

Then he phoned me and repeated most of that but then had a little rant at me because I shouldn't be saying to him that he can be free and single - I should be apologetic and making efforts to make him feel good - he hung up and wouldn't answer when I called back

I left my friend a and got a taxi to his rental- I knocked a couple of times but because it was 1am in mornjng I left agajn. I took a photo of his car to prove I'd been there

Now I'm not proud of any of this and yes it alcohol making my judgements bad (i.e. The single free text)


Now Saturday I was supposed to be texting him to say what time I'd be ready for our night out -
I sent this


I can't believe it but I git a taxi through at 1am last night to prove to you I do love you and that you're worth making the effort for. (Before you ask I only knocked lightly twice because of the time/kids/neighbours) I can't ever be that drunk and text again.
I can't make sense of the messages last night- I do know all I kept thinking all night while I was out was how you reacted about Rory and it made me wonder why and had you been up to anything. (He'd been looking on my fb profile and an old attractive and single school friend had made some comment on one of my picture about me being attractive - I'd ignored it- but my partner had had a jealousy rant during he day about it so I removed it and took the lad off FB as a friend)
My head is throbbing and I need some migraleve but I don't suppose I can ask you to drop some off?


His reply

I was tired and drunk myself
I'm onway to Freeport dropping kids off at 12.
I'll call and get you some tablets and bring em up.
I don't want to fight shout and scream, but I'd rather do it trying to keep us than no shouting and no trying. Can you wait that long for tablets

My reply
I've picked up a bit but if you would please get me some pills as I'm totally out that would be really appreciated.
I hate falling out. (Anytime) I hope as we learn to communicate better we'll stop hanging phone up or shouting etc. And really last night seemed fuelled by booze and tiredness???

I actually thought on waking up- I've blown it- he'll just as stagy as hassle

And I honestly can't believe his response - he's accepting it as part of the process of trying.....??!!?

I also sent the photo of the car to show I really had gone

He said - just randomly- while we were out sat night- me coming through even though I didn't see him- made him feel valued

[Origina]

He wants to know if there's any help he can get- he says there's respite centres for alcohol and drug addiction etc but what about people like us..:


Any suggestions???

[Origina]

I know we should never talk about fight club (db-ing) but it sounds like my partner wants to talk to someone and like you say the problem with traditional counsellors is their background might influence their advice whereas db coaching is positive about rebuilding no matter what's happened in a relationship.
I don't know if he'd benefit from knowing about db telephone support - id rather him get help but haven't mentioned it- it's like you say - family support is the only type he's got and they want him to be happy asap and to them that means separating from me.
One of the rules is to avoid offering other other partner advice isn't it though.
Even if it helped him realise he's better off without me at least we'd have an answer but I believe db ing would help him deal with his emotions

[Cadet]

Instead look into trying to see if you can see a DB type counselor in your area.

SBT is what I would look for,
their are therapists/counselors that
have been trained by MWD!

[Origina]

Hi
Had a search and locally SBT counsellors seem to integrate SBT into their practise but not make it solely SBT

[Origina]

Are we nearly at "piecing" if he's stopped talking about splitting up and more about how we get through this mess together?
My book still hasn't arrived yet