I agree with job ... I get it, its not going your way but pushing it will not land you the results you want ... pushing her will not get the answers you desire.
But I think you know that, you will do as you will do.
Just a side question .. have your thought about IC ?... I know I would have never gone but I ended up going, not for her, not to save the M, but for my own well being.
job - Consider me chastised. I don't recall seeing you as angry before as you were in that posting. I am sorry that I upset you so much. I will indeed find some duct tape which is perhaps more necessary than an elastic. I am done standing though. I do still care for and about her but I need to move on and leave her behind. I can't do this for "years". I'm perhaps not strong enough for that.
CaliGuy - I went for IC shortly after BD2 in April / May. I had an amazingly crappy one at first who perhaps did more harm than good. Then I had a great one that I went to starting in June. My last session with her was in November - I am only allowed a certain number. Thanks to her I was able to survive some of the truly dark times that hit me in August. She's given me a referral to another one if I need it. Perhaps I do, but I'm mostly coping on my own.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
What concerns me is that you've been here less than a year and are already ready to throw in the towel. I honestly do not think you've given her enough time to work on her issues. Sometimes it takes a while before they start to realize that maybe something is truly wrong w/them and they need help and then there are the others that go off the rails for years and even permanently. My main concern is that you keep contacting her or creating an environment whereby her focus is continually drawn to you in some way. How can she focus on herself and what she needs to do to heal if you are still on her radar? She can't...because she's too busy dealing w/your emails, texts, etc., as well as dealing w/people talking to her about the situation.
If you are so willing to toss in the towel this quickly, then why did you come to this forum? You are very aware that it takes months and sometimes years before they start to wake up. There is no magic potion that will wake them up. I know that deep in my heart that you were hoping that the divorce stuff you sent her would bring her to her senses, just as your texts today...not going to happen, my friend.
There is nothing to be ashamed of in seeing an IC. I think you need to speak to someone, as I don't think you are coping as well as you should.
If your wife was in a coma, would you be in the room shaking her and telling her to wake up or would you listen to the doctors and allow her to wake up gradually and come back to earth? Or, would you have rushed out and started divorce proceedings because you didn't have the patience to wait a while and see what might transpire in a year or so?
What would you do differently from what you are now doing if you were suddenly divorced next week?
No, I'm not upset or angry. The tone of my posting was to make you sit up and take notice of what I was posting to you. I see a man who continues to drive his car into the brick wall and isn't learning the lessons that he needs to learn and I keep wondering when is he going to learn to slow down and allow things to take a natural course.
Andrew, there is nothing stopping you from moving forward w/your life. The only person that is stopping you is YOU. You are the only one that can control what you do and when you do it. You can make choices about a lot of things in your life w/o your wife's input at the moment. This is your time to learn more about yourself, improve on those things that you think you need to improve on and yes, even discover some new and exciting things along the way. Your wife doesn't need to be there to help hold you up when doing these things. Be that self-assured, confident man that we have seen in many of your postings and leave her to her crisis for a while.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
There was a reason I asked. I have followed you quite early and for the most part I am not all over you about the things you do, I do try to plant a seed here and there in hopes you will discover them on your own but the path you are taking it does not appear to be effective, nor is the blunt approach as you do tend to shut off quite quickly.
I chuckled reading jobs post as I was about to reference the same coma theory myself ... so I will not duplicate that but instead I will tell you where I am personally in all this.
My BD was 9/22/13, easy to remember when its your birthday. So for all intensive purposes I am the Ghost of MLC Future 3 years ahead of you. I had no idea what was going on with my MLCr for almost a full year. I did not even land here till almost a year after BD. To be honest at first I was in the "Fine .. go ahead and walk,'I will do my thing' camp" .... then I realized I wanted to fight for my M and I made all the mistakes you could ... alot like you are doing now. Passive aggressive things, controlling things, punishing things. Strange that did not attract my wayward flower either (/sarcasm) .... after a long hard and extremely difficult look in the mirror I did not really care for the man I had become. I chose to change, started small and then more and more, I have become a person I am actually happy with, still room to grow but light years away from where I was in 2013.
You are still a baby in MLC terms, as is your W. You can not treat this as you have treated other issues in your life .. standing or not. After the 28 years you have together don't you owe it to your M and her to back off and really get to what is the root here? (I am talking about the crisis) I was with mine for 26 years and I arrived to a point ... sure I may never reconcile,I may not save my M but I can look anyone in the eyes and tell them I did all I could do and arrived at a point the best thing I could do is let her go and try to get through her crisis without me all up in her face .... I want that for my son, I want that for her, she is in there somewhere I know it and I love her enough to want her to not be forever stuck in that MLC hell ... REGARDLESS if she is with me or not. For better or worse .. this is most definitely the worse part right?
I am not trying to get you to stand or move on ... I am simply trying to get you to look at this from a compassionate view point after you cycle through your own feelings and issues that have been created from this crisis. Look inward Andrew and process what has happened you can be a better man in spite of this and share that with whomever you choose later on in this journey. Your W is in crisis and she just is not capable of much right now, at this point she hurts and does not really understand why so she is trying things that make her feel good ... these are short term fixes that she must attempt, she has to exhaust all of these options till she bottoms out and is forced to face the real root cause of this mess. This all takes TIME, which feels like an eternity for us. Some drop rope and move on, some stand .. many do something in between. This is your choice but I do get a gut feel you are acting out in a last ditch attempt to wake her up .. its only going to send her further in the tunnel, exposing this to others ... further in the tunnel, pressuring her to do this that and the other .. further in the tunnel. Job was firm with you because you are not helping yourself nor her with your actions ... but its coming from a place of compassion, she is trying to get you to see past your own fears to understand what is wrong with your wife.
AP, This: "I am working on a way to tell you, but there is no quick answer" OK, soul-brother, she said this to you. And, you said something is wrong with her. Take those two things. The first is simply, she cannot give you an answer right now. The second is yes, something is wrong with her, MLC, depression, whatever name you give it.
As you know I am in the exact same situation. I have many urges to call and demand answers (and I have, in the past) and as you know, they cannot give you an answer. Plus, they are not the person you once knew. So, of course, I would follow Job's action plan if I were you. For you, for your sanity. I know right now you will have to dig even deeper than ever before for patience (and not release anger). I am right there on the cusp of losing it, losing patience, giving up, calling to demand answers I won't receive, etc. Hang in there.
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
Thank you everyone for taking the time to stop by and for your thoughtful comments.
I am still done with standing. I've probably been done for a while but just didn't admit to myself. This is not a "tactic" or an effort to push her out of her tunnel and back into my arms. Yes - last night I did push her to make a choice. We all agree that for a bunch of reasons that it was a bad decision. It seems that I'm human after-all.
Yes - I feel guilty and the arguments that were made by job and CaliGuy - both people who I quite admire and respect are strong and valid ones.
If she were to knock on the door tonight and ask to come home would I answer? Perhaps - I don't know. She's not going to.
This might in some ways be the best thing I do for her. It takes some of the pressure off of her without the beacon from my lighthouse shining in her eyes and blinding her.
The question was asked "why did you come to this forum"? I came here to save my marriage. I didn't know until after some time that it could be expected to be years before there was any hope of doing that. By then I was vested in the journey and in this forum. I've done my best to pay-it-forward as Jack asked me to as well.
Did I think that my situation was special? Did I hope for miracles? Yes. I was wrong.
I'm leaving her to do her own journey. There are some things I will need from her in the months to come to put an end to the legal issues around ending our marriage and I will continue to treat her with respect and courtesy through that process.
I have reached the far shore. I am across the Rubicon.
To those of you who continue to Stand, to live in hope, to believe in love. I salute you.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
