So that's why I am looking to reconcile. Because I blame myself. I know how he reacted was his choice but I feel I set him up to a certain extent. And I don't want to be that person I was. I'm making changes - every day. I want him to give me, the person I want to be, the person I am becoming, a chance.
I told him on Sunday I wanted to try again. He said he didn't. I said I could forgive him. He said he couldn't forgive me.
I asked him on Sunday if he would at least think about spending time with me, to get to know me again. One day a week, and to talk on the phone regularly. To see if we could be friends again. If we could be friends again he could perhaps reconsider saving the marriage. And even if he didn't it would help us co-parent. He said he would think about it. He popped by yesterday to see our son and said he was still thinking about it. I know he's waiting to see how I react in today's mediation session. And I don't really know how to act given that what we both want is completely the opposite of the other.
I am going to try to be the person I want to be. Not just because I want to save the marriage, but for me. So I am resolving to be to be firm but respectful, thoughtful and considered, no shooting off the hip, no negativity, no anger.
In 2014 I was pregnant and diagnosed with melanoma. When I was first diagnosed it seemed worse then it ended up being. I remember wishing for a miscarriage because I did not want to have to make the choice of abortion....I did end up miscarrying after the surgery. (cancer ended up being a lot lower stage then initially thought). During this time, and a prolonged miscarriage after the surgery (heart beat of fetus stopped but my body thought it was pregnant and kept growing) my husband went into withdrawal mode as well. He would not help out with my son. He wasnt coming home. He was really really really nasty. My hormones, my grief, the anxiety of having cancer I am sure did not make me the best person to be around. I was also reacting to husbands withdrawal.
Anyway, in APril 2015 my husband told me that the reason he got annoyed with me when i called him at work hysterical because i had to induce the miscarriage...he was angry because i had wished for the miscarriage. (the only reason i wished for it was to not have to choose abortion) But he brought that up to blame me and inflict pain. It was that comment he made when I finally realized that I did not want to be married to this man.
Also, now that I am in the legal research portion of the process I am looking back and seeing that he had started hiding money all the way back in 2014. So this was planned
He was instigating and picking fights to make me look like the bad guy.
And like you, I believed it.
He refused to pay child support and like you, I was blaming it on the fact that I was such a bad wife.
Looking back, I needed to react sooner. With attorney.
But it is easy to get caught on the bandwagon of being a light house and saving a marriage because we played roles in the breakdown of the marriage.
I think that the above might be true for the rare few percent of posters here. Your marriage can only be saved if your spouse is truly remorseful and begging for you to come back.
A lot of the posters that do implement DBing strategies and have their walkaways come back, end up back on these boards years later because their spouse cheated again.
We are not f'ing light houses. We are not innanimate objects. We are people with feelings that deserve to be in relationships with mutual respect and fidelity. It is ok to let go.
Let him have his OW. They deserve each other. Seriously. Forgive yourself. A good partner would have helped you when you had cancer. Seriously. A good partner would have been there for you when you were pregnant.
Just work on yourself for the next relationship. Work on yourself to be the best mom ever. But let this man and his family go.
It is so hard in the beginning. I feel like we are similar, in that we blamed ourselves. I feel that your husband used very similar tactics that mine did....
They do something wrong. We react. They stay silent and unemotional. We look like the bad or crazy guys for reacting with emotions.
This is my advice.
1. Mirror his lack of emotion and way of communication. Keep it polite, detached, and only related to your child. Write knowing that lawyers might one day be reviewing your writing. You do not want him to look like the calm, rational one while you look irrational. (Higly recommend reading mustard seeds threads. Her husband cheated,and abused and instigated and used her reactions to get a restraining order and limit custody)
2. LEARN TO BECOME YOUR OWN ADVOCATE. You are going to have to learn to see things for what they really are. It is hard to stick up for yourself when everyone is telling you that you are wrong. You are not wrong in this. Your ex is wrong, OW is wrong, his family is wrong. Trust your deeper voice that is angry for you.
3. Do not expect or even bother to attempt rationalizing to your ex and his family. For whatever reason, they cannot or do not want to see your perspectives. There are tons of diagnosis and reasons for people like this. You cant win with them. They are incapable of it and it will just show them your weakness. JUST KEEP IT BUSINESS AND FOLLOW LAWYER ADVICE.
4. Give up hope for making a marriage work with someone capable of doing the things he did. Life is filled with hardships. Your ex prooved he cannot endure hardships and then blamed it on you. Life will inevitably get hard again and he is not capable of being there. OW is not getting a prize. Because eventually he will screw her over too. She cant be easygoing and fun all the time. Its just a matter of time.
Its actually a blessing that you are learning this now while you are younger and self sufficient and healthy again.
Thanks for the message, really. I appreciate your honesty and straight talking so much.
When I first read your message I was taken aback, and didn't understand my own reaction. I felt something shift in me when I read your messages, and I think it was in response to the honesty of your words.
I spoke to my family priest about my situation and asked him for guidance, a few weeks ago. His special ministry is in marriage. So he counsels marriages in crisis, like those in our situation. He told me in 95% of the cases he sees, there is no reconciliation.
So when you wrote about the lighthouse and how a lot of DB-ers see their WS return and then cheat again - that sounded like truth to me. And truth be told I cried thinking about it. And cry thinking about it. I want there to be hope.
In response to the DB-ers who see their spouses return and then cheat again - do you think it's because the changes they made at first didn't stick? In my own experience, that was the case for me. WH had his EAs, I made some changes but they weren't deep seated or permanent and I reverted to the behaviours that inspired his wandering off the first time, so can I really be surprised and angry if he repeats his own behaviours in response to mine? I didn't change so could I expect him to? It would have been nice if I was married to a better person than me, but is it his fault if he is just as weak and crap as I was?
Do you mind me asking why you come to this site? If you don't hope for R anymore?
I agree - I think our sitches are scary similar.
I see the value of your advice and thank you so deeply for it. Even as I confess I am going to have problems following it. : (
I am having trouble giving up hope of R, apart from buckets of self-recrimination, because I still think WH is a good man. A weak man, yes, but still a good man. I don't think he would have cheated if I hadn't treated him so badly. In the spirit of honesty, I was vicious. Really vicious. When I think of how I treated him and imagined if he did the same to me... I would have walked ages ago, much earlier. I wouldn't have cheated because that's not who I am, but I would have walked for sure. I was emotionally abusive and I didn't realise it. And now that I do, all I want to do is make amends. I see his leaving for this OW as cosmic payback.
My therapist thinks his cheating was definitely a coping mechanism, a way of self medicating the pain.
It doesn't help that he's being super nice at the moment. He did some grocery shopping and bought me a bottle of wine and some of my favourite drinks, stuff he didn't need to buy because it was for me specifically. He knows I struggle to pick this stuff up by myself (the drinks) because it's heavy and I don't drive.
He's agreed to speak to a marriage counsellor recommended by a friend. A male counsellor. I spoke to this guy separately last week and he said to me the thought WH was in classic MLC and asked if WH would speak to him. I asked WH if he would in front of our mediator and he said he would think about it, and he asked me for his number on Saturday.
I don't think he would have cheated if I hadn't treated him so badly.
Do not justify his actions.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
