Lt I hope you're right in the sense of she waits for my text. I had already decided to text before bed tomorrow. Short and simple. You asked some excellent questions
What would make you happy? What would make me happy is to continue living my life with or without w and d. Either in or out, limbo is not the business. Would texting your W make you happy? I don't know that it would make me happy per say. Me saying something and getting something other than a "thanks" would be satisfactory. Would you only be doing it because of fear of losing her due to not texting her on her bday? Yes I fear if I don't text then she thinks I'm done with her. Also fear if I do text it'll re assure her that I'm still plan b and she can still take her sweet time. Can you just send that one msg and not get into a conversation with her? Yes I could. I doubt she'd engage me. She's had plenty of opportunities and has not taken them. Which in turn increases my anxiety and my fear of us being really actually for real done.
Some thought circling my mind, w will most likely spend birthday with sow. I was just filling up the water to my humidifier and I recalled many nights where I would crawl into bed before w, the last person up had to turn of the light and usually fill up the humidifier. I would of course rush into bed on purpose so I could be lazy haha. This made me laugh. But at the same time it makes me sad. Another thought is someone else is making memories with her...spending Xmas and New Years and her birthday. How could I ever get past that? (I guess I may never have to) it's like...how could I or my W forget "ohhh that 28th bday I did this" and it has nothing to do with me but someone else...or her first vacation to Mexico. Idk...stuff that isn't important now I know. Nonetheless it circles my mind. Also asked my self a few times today, how in the heck did we get here? One moment I'm picking her up from the airport from her nursing trip the next she confesses to an ea and pa then next I'm moving out. What the heck. 6 years down the drain, thrown away so easily and I felt so blindsided. I never saw it coming. How did any of us get here?
Baby, fightin thank you for your kind words nygal perhaps a sap moment is what is needed in my situation, shake things up and let her know the door is not 100% shut. I fear that's what she believes with all my dark and non responsive texts. I do have a huge soft spot for w. I think perhaps everyone on the boards does. Who knows though. I sure don't.
Have a busy evening tomorrow. My roommate knows it's Ws bday so we have a "fun" night planned. With food drinks and movies.
-need to stay positive and make it through tomorrow. I have to keep asking myself what IC and I talked about, when I'm feeling anxious or I make stuff up in my mind to ask myself "is this true" for example- w will have a better life without me. Is this true? Do I know 100% this is true? -no I do not. I cannot be 100% sure that statement is true. Working on keeping that in mind. Kind of forgot what comes after I decide my crazy thoughts are not true or cannot be proven. But at least it's a step in a decent direction.
Cheesy, holidays are often a let down, especially when we are in turmoil, so don't expect that she has beautiful memories when she's with sow. I bet not! If you have been non-responsive, then maybe it's time for a simple Happy Bday text. IDK. If you could talk to a DB coach, that would be good. W told me last night that she appreciated that we stayed in touch while she was off on her stupid A with stupid ow. Knowing I still cared -- and that she could lose that -- kept her attached to me. And here I thought I was doing the NC thing so well! I think the longest we went with NC was 15 days. I also think that something like a birthday brings up memories of birthdays past, so your W is probably thinking of you and wondering if you still care. Then, if sow doesn't step up, she will have that disappointment next to your text and she might just compare you favorably to sow. Good luck, cheesyt.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I texted W in the afternoon today. No reply. I don't hurt Cus she didn't reply. I hurt because all the feelings of rejection and failure came flooding back to the now. I had a great gal with co workers then to the movies with the roommate. But as we said our goodbyes and I turned on my phone late tonight and saw my phone had no reply, I got in my car and lost it. Why am I here? I don't want to be here anymore. This is by far the most difficult thing I've gone through in my 27 years, I know I know I'll come out of it a stronger person but I'm the mean time it stinks and it's not where I want to be. How do I leave this crappy place? Also the lack of response makes me feel like we are seriously over. She doesn't reach out, it's exactly how I pictured divorce. Not a word. To top it off I opened Facebook and my aunt posted on her own Facebook a little happy birthday meme to my wife. Did not tag my wife (my aunt isn't too computer / Facebook savvy) and I think, wow my family really loved her and took her in and it reminds me of the amazing person she is and how I miss her terribly but w is no longer by my side. I think I'll go crazy trying to figure out where in the heck things went so wrong. My aunt is a very religious and just rational person. I think. She asked me how long I was willing to suffer and told me that I'm missing out in the now because I'm stuck in the past. My aunt also suggested I let go...I told my aunt I'm working really hard and I can't. How is it possible that 10months in and I hurt the same or almost so close to the same. The pain is there, I believe I've just gotten better at covering it up for the work day and the gal activities. I put my best foot forward yet get no where new. I just can't believe my life is turning like this. I don't want a Divorce. I didn't marry my wife to just get a divorce. I don't want to loose my wife forever. I really don't. Part of me feels like I already have...like I lost her even before BD.
-Luckily, Today is almost over. & I made it one more day..
W replied this morning "thanks, hope you are well" gahhhhh she literally waited allllll evening and night to reply this morning. Why why why. I know not my circus. Well there's that. I still feel like crap and like we are really over. I want to reply but idk what I'd say. Thanks you too? No Cus I do not hope she's well. I hope she's kind of sort of miserable. But thahs me being petty. I just don't know.
W texted asking about taxes. Took the opportunity to ask about D10. W-you know, I’m sure your intentions are good and I thank you for that. But that this point in time, I just don’t see the need for this to go any further. She is finally getting settled into life and I think right now it is unnecessary to confuse her. I hope you understand.
Hey Cheesey, I'm so sorry you got that text from your W it was just such an unnecessary thing to say to you. All she had to say was that D was fine or something like that.
Cheesey, from now on I would just block her and not respond to anything from her and certainly not this text.
(((Cheesey)))
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
You can't understand half of what they say,they in dodo land,
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
After 2 years of it I pushed my wife to divorce me cos that's what's she kept saying she wanted,then after she got it ,I just let her have it no fight at all,then about 2 months later she said to me why dident you stop the divorce ,haha, work that one out if you can'
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
I didn't reply but w sent this now "I'm sorry. But things are finally settling down and D is about to be rocked again. I have to explain to her that my mom has ALS. So I just think that life needs to remain constant for her at this time. I really hope you understand"
Wtf wtf wtf. Once in our live she told me she would not come in between mine and Ds relationship, she even told D that no matter what happened she would support our relationship. Wth. It's like so much is going on, I want to be there for them...that's it. And she doesn't want me to be there for either of them...whyyy I miss her so much.
