I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it's a hard time. And detachment is hard and I keep wondering to myself how it would help. I keep trying to do a 180. My old self would argue with my W, yell, and even berate and be controlling. I have and hate to admit, but mentally abused my W. She told me her heart was filled with depression and she just wants to be single, which I take as not with me. She's told me this about 5 times. I am now noticing my new 180 pattern is to brush something off when she says something negative to me,if she wants to stay at a friends house, I don't argue with her and the hardest part is if I was mad at her I would shut down and not talk to her. I just want to talk to her.
There is no easy way back, and if there was I wish I knew it. M is very hard, and no one she be emotionally and mentally abused. I'm just saying don't be codependent. You should have to be with your H, but want to be.
Do you think he knows what buttons to push to get you upset? Then act the opposite next time. Just be friendly and act happy around him. Right now if he sees you depressed, he might think he's " winning". Don't let that happen. Don't beg, just try to be happy in front of him, even if you have to fake it
I've come to the conclusion that my H is a darn good DBer, without ever even reading the book. 180 - he's got that down pat As if - he does this well too Detach - he's so far gone I have no idea how to talk to him GAL - yup, did that too
And you know, it worked! I sure am scrambling to work on things. I wish he was doing it for the same reasons.
I read through some of the links Cadet posted earlier. I had already read some of them, but I stumbled on an old post that just hit me like a ton of bricks. The poster said look in the mirror and what do you see? I don't like what I see. Hate it actually. This isn't who I want to be. And if I can't stand my reflection, no wonder he can't either.
I think I just stopped being me partly because it didn't matter what I did, it was never going to be enough and partly because I became "mom".
Felt pretty good after this revelation. Decided that 180 is going to work for me if for no other reason than to be happy with myself. Hopefully that will trickle to H.
That "high" lasted a solid hour or so before anxiety kicked in. But it was an hour I hadn't planned on so I'll take it.
I love yoga, Chris73. I hadn't done it in a while but ironically went back to it 2 days ago. I will take your advice and get some books at the library too.
Cristy, thank you. I work for a large company who closed our office several years ago. Due to distance, I work solely from home. I'm looking for a new position though because I am desperately going to need a better paycheck if things don't improve.
He's asked me to go to our niece's birthday party. I agreed. I have a large family party the following weekend, do I invite him? I haven't though he knows the kids and I are going. Do I let him see life goes on without him, or put myself out there and see if I can get him to spend time together? I have no idea the response I'd even get.
M:41 H:43 T:26yrs M:19 yrs S:15 D1:14 D2:9 Living together but separated
Dpd, you are so right. I think that's why he brings up divorce every morning. It's rarely at night when we could actually talk. And you know what, I'm grateful. I try so hard not to react but if I have to have a deep conversation about it, I'm not going to be able to keep it together.
This morning I did try to have a positive happy attitude. I haven't seen him all day. Just now getting home and I'm so sick to my stomach worried about what's going to be said.
The one piece of advice I'll give to you if you feel you've emotionally abused your wife. Change, my friend. Do that 180 NOW and commit to it. If your W feels anything like me she feels worthless and completely unloved. So please, when the time is right, spend as much time and energy showing her she's wrong.
M:41 H:43 T:26yrs M:19 yrs S:15 D1:14 D2:9 Living together but separated
I wake up feeling hopeful. I feel positive. Then 1pm hits and I suddenly get hit with severe anxiety and sick to my stomach. Nothing has happened and it's hours before he will be home. This has been going on for days now. I'm not prone to anxiety attacks. It's not a good feeling.
M:41 H:43 T:26yrs M:19 yrs S:15 D1:14 D2:9 Living together but separated
I wake up feeling hopeful. I feel positive. Then 1pm hits and I suddenly get hit with severe anxiety and sick to my stomach. Nothing has happened and it's hours before he will be home. This has been going on for days now. I'm not prone to anxiety attacks. It's not a good feeling.
That wide range of emotions is normal and will continue to get worse until the divorce. I've heard many compare it to a wild ride, which, unfortunately it is. I found that as the time leading up to my divorce drew shorter, these "rides" became more severe, for lack of better word. Incredible sadness. Anxiety. You name it. And it happened at times when she was coming back or I was going to see her for some reason.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Ok, so if anxiety is hitting you at 1PM every day, start doing some yoga at 12:45 and immerse yourself and your focus on what you're doing. If you get anxious, just bring your mental focus back to your breathing and the poses. Always remember that, like a fire that can't exist without a continuous,uninterrupted supply of oxygen, panic can't exist without a continuous, uninterrupted supply of fearful thoughts.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Ok, so if anxiety is hitting you at 1PM every day, start doing some yoga at 12:45 and immerse yourself and your focus on what you're doing. If you get anxious, just bring your mental focus back to your breathing and the poses. Always remember that, like a fire that can't exist without a continuous,uninterrupted supply of oxygen, panic can't exist without a continuous, uninterrupted supply of fearful thoughts.
Truth. But much easier said than done. That ghost will always be there. The old saying is true - as time passes things do get easier. The trick is keeping that ghost away when it decides to haunt the place.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
So H came home late from work tonight. I was working on a project with D at the table. He sat down and threw refinance papers at me and said can you afford that? And proceeded to discuss money for after we divorce. I was pleasant even though I was dying inside. I left the house for a little while but I'm having a really difficult time pulling myself back together.
This was a minor discussion and I still can't handle it.
Really thought about it. He's discussed this with his family. Even if he ever thought, maybe this is a mistake, I don't think he'd do anything about it. He wouldn't want anyone to think he was wrong. His parents and sister both divorced in the past year and have all moved on to other people. His mother thinks he's seeing this and thinking the grass is greener.
I know I'm new to this, but I'm hoping for a miracle. Just a small glimmer of hope
M:41 H:43 T:26yrs M:19 yrs S:15 D1:14 D2:9 Living together but separated
Not even awake 5 minutes and he's on me, telling me he has an appointment with the attorney next week. He wants us to use the same person and I said no.
I told him, I just can not afford this. I took out loans to pay off credit cards and things around the house from my 401k. It literally takes 1/2 my paycheck. So I told him, you have to pay half of that and I know you don't have that.
There was no emotion in my statement, just fact. He started screaming at me, if this is how your going to play it.. then said if you worked more than 30 hours we wouldn't be in this position.
He seems to forget the reason I work these hours was for our kids. I get them on and off the bus and I take care if all their activities. I'm busy, its not from laziness.
Anyway, when he started screaming, I said I'm not going to talk to you like this and walked away. I didn't do anything to deserve such animosity. He wants a divorce not because I'm not a good person or even that we don't get along, but simply because I don't fit the perfect person in his mind.
M:41 H:43 T:26yrs M:19 yrs S:15 D1:14 D2:9 Living together but separated
. He wants a divorce not because I'm not a good person or even that we don't get along, but simply because I don't fit the perfect person in his mind.
That sounds sooooooo familiar.
Quote:
I told him, I just can not afford this. I took out loans to pay off credit cards and things around the house from my 401k. It literally takes 1/2 my paycheck. So I told him, you have to pay half of that and I know you don't have that.
Same here. Because of her being in the military, I was only able to keep a job no more than 2-3 years. So, each time I had to start practically at the bottom. Now, I'm supposed to pay for the house, medical, and all other bills plus feed the kids and all. And she's upset that I'm getting some of her retirement.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
