Hi. I used to be ss06 from way back in 2014. Remember me?
I feel like I've completely lost track of so many who helped me through some very dark times. People who reminded me that I WAS strong, that I WAS fierce, that I HAD courage and that there was room for me to grow no matter the direction of my marriage. I want to reconnect. I want to give the support that I received here, that helped me wake up every morning and put one foot in front of the other, breathe in and breathe out, GAL and figure myself out. I need to relearn everyone's names and reconnect them to past stories.
Here I am in the midst of surviving the Big D process and I feel like it will just never, ever end. Divorce to me feels like slowly pulling duct tape off my mouth but since the tape has been there for 18+ years, my skin is being pulled off with it.
Frustration, fear, anger, fury, resentment, sadness, grief... I feel these things every day NOT over the loss of my marriage. No. I feel them while trying to co-parent with my STBX, while trying to go through this painstaking process of divorce. It feels like it's about retribution for him. It feels like his intention is to cause as much pain, gaslight, confuse and spew in my direction in an effort to get what he wants and by god he's going to assert his dominance as much as possible.
For the sake of my daughter I have been reasonable, understanding, empathetic, permissive and overwhelmingly flexible but I'm starting to see that he's mowing over me and I need to find my courage again. How do you stand up to a narcissist? They always say "don't engage" but I have to raise a little human with this person and I don't know how.
I'm tired guys. I'm tired of him saying horrible things to me and me being the bigger person and taking the reasonable path. I'm tired of anxiety because i have no idea what his next move will be. I'm tired of my daughter being so unregulated from no structure or consistency on his part (partially because he is incapable of structure and consistency but I am beginning to wonder if it's just to spite me and to battle my "authority").
Anyway, all of that to say that I am happy to catch up with many of you and to provide some support while we all walk this path.
Previously known as ss06 Kid: D9 M: 12 yrs together 18 D final: pending
"These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb." - Najwa Zebian
SS, I'm sorry this is dragging out for you, but happy you've come back for support. My name in 2014 was rppfl. But you know who I am. :-) Welcome to the neighborhood.
SS, I'm sorry this is dragging out for you, but happy you've come back for support. My name in 2014 was rppfl. But you know who I am. :-) Welcome to the neighborhood.
Thanks for the welcome, Sunny.
Previously known as ss06 Kid: D9 M: 12 yrs together 18 D final: pending
"These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb." - Najwa Zebian
Welcome back. You might want to think about linking your last thread here under your former name so that others can go back and read/re-read your history.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Welcome back. You might want to think about linking your last thread here under your former name so that others can go back and read/re-read your history.
For the sake of my daughter I have been reasonable, understanding, empathetic, permissive and overwhelmingly flexible but I'm starting to see that he's mowing over me and I need to find my courage again. How do you stand up to a narcissist?
Letting the narcissist walk over you doesn't help - you need to establish some boundaries. Fortunately my youngest was 17 when my ex left, so my co-parenting problems were less that yours, but perhaps some of the strategies I used would help you.
I trained my ex to communicate by email only. If he called, I let it go to voice mail and texted him a response. If he texted, I emailed him back and sent a text saying "check your email."
I found it lessened my stress, and for you, gives you a record of what he has said in case you ever need it in court.
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I'm tired of my daughter being so unregulated from no structure or consistency on his part (partially because he is incapable of structure and consistency but I am beginning to wonder if it's just to spite me and to battle my "authority").
Pick your battles. You cannot control what he does when you're not there. Eventually your daughter will grow up a bit and take charge of her homework and other things. In the meantime, let her fail if she has to. Don't rescue her and him from the consequences of his inattention. And don't get sucked into a power struggle over things like her bedtime. Just do the best you can with the time you have with her and let go of the rest. Odds are, once the divorce is over, he will gradually drift off and spend less time with her.
Don't give up anything important in the divorce financials just because he whines. Be firm, fair and objective. Once the divorce paperwork is signed, restrict all communication with him to essential stuff related to your child only.
Focus on building a great new life for yourself and your child and try to let go of as much as you can. Don't let him continue to gaslight you. Just keep the relationship superficial and formal - like with a stranger you met at a party - and don't let him push your buttons.
Yes, boundaries. Those are hard to enforce. He bucks against them simply to buck against them. He doesn't want to be controlled (even if he's not being controlled, he doesn't want the feeling or impression that he is being controlled) in any way. He is the king of the excuse and the exception so when I enforce the boundary I am accused of being punitive. I need to put more effort here though. Definitely.
My daughter has severe ADHD and moderate ODD. This means that she is a basket case without serious structure and consistency. A neuro-typical (NT) child can have variations to their day and they adapt and modulate their behavior appropriately. My daughter is not truly capable of that. When things are chaotic, unpredictable, transitions unmanaged, etc., her behavior is out of control (tantrums, trouble sleeping, prolonged bouts of intense anger, persistent arguing over minor issues). With a consistent and strict schedule, she is not only easier to handle but she reports feeling more secure, more "tucked in" because she knows what is expected of her and what's coming next. The structure and consistency is crucial for her development and growth so she can function in society and her behavioral therapist has said this specifically.
STBX struggles to get D9 to her activities (these are activities that she has had as part of her schedule long before the divorce so it's really just maintaining the status quo for her) on time, with everything she needs (remember she has ADHD so she struggles with executive function issues, she needs help remembering her paraphernalia and staying on task) if at all. He has severe ADHD, too. He takes aderall but not consistently so he simply cannot be relied upon for much of anything. Now, I'm not a tyrant. I understand that things come up, sometimes the kid skips karate because she's been go-go-go for a while and she needs a night off. I get it. That's perfectly fine. But out of 10 classes, stbx will "maybe" get her to 4 and she'll be late, not have her hair up (as required) and she likely will not have what she needs for class. That's a 40% success rate for consistency. That's failing. Flat out. When I talk to him about the importance of her getting to class, etc., he tells me either 1). He's doing the best he can (really? 40% is the best you can?) or 2) karate isn't that important anyway, she's not really learning anything.
I guess what I'm saying is that I know D9 will likely suffer some later in life because of the divorce. I don't want her to suffer because she doesn't have the understanding that when you commit to something then you work hard to make it to class.
Anyone else's ex not get the kids to their stuff consistently?
This is a battle I have to fight. It is what is best for her development and sense of security. He has even agreed to as much when he's having a moment of grounded rationality. Multiple times. But then it becomes inconvenient and he says, "karate isn't that important anyway...". The cycle is maddening.
Previously known as ss06 Kid: D9 M: 12 yrs together 18 D final: pending
"These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb." - Najwa Zebian
Courage, I have to say, I think you are aptly named! In reading your sitch, my heart goes out to you. Fortunately, when I went through D, my kids were all adults, out of the house. So, there was no back and forth with H trying to get him to do the right thing where they were concerned.
Kudos to you for fighting for that sweet girl! And for not wanting her to suffer needlessly. You sound like such a good mom. Hang in there!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
