Moving on to the next phase

[Surfer]

It's harder this year. Last year, I was 6 months into my separation and held onto hope every day. This year.....

Hi - I felt this. Read a bit of some of your sitch.

I was 6 months in to our S this NYE. However in house separation for circa 2 years prior to that and the spew and anger that comes with it. I think I have become very matter of fact about this and the date thing is interesting as I have a few interested parties that are keen to date......all of this has kick started me into a new lease of life. Gym bod time, healthier lifestyle, more focus on me. Zero interest is WS (Anger Addict/Verbal Abuser/Controller) and her ways. Funny how we all start off with the chasing, spying, egg shells to their spew. I can't even tell you where the roller coaster is parked these days!!! LoL.

Surfer.

[Pax_luv]

Thank you all for stopping by and for your continued support.

So weird being back in this funk. I feel a bit lost without a compass... But at the same time, I know I've been here before so I know ill be good... Eventually. Last night I couldn't sleep so I busted out my anti fear, anti anxiety meditation/ hypnosis. I think I need to reintroduce this and keep it as a habit for a while. So strange because in other aspects of my life, I dont operate in this manner. Maybe it's ptsd from all this?

My L needed me to fill out one more form and I was supposed to have it done yesterday. I still haven't even started it! In fact, I've had my computer on my lap for the last 3 hours and I've done EVERYTHING humanly possible to not do this paperwork. I sometimes procrastinate.... But not like this! This is crazy. I know there's something mental blocking me from doing this, but I can't figure out what. It's stupid actually. Just get in done, Pax!!!

Alright.... No more.... Time to tackle this.

[ciluzen]

Hey, Pax. Don't be so hard on yourself. While on the surface it appears to just be a few papers you can easily sign, it represents a lot. Take your time. This is something you control and have power over, but obviously you are feeling the weight of it. You'll sign when you're ready. Then you can release the pressure that you've built up around it. You are doing just fine. You don't always have to follow a compass. By the way, I've always told people I never get lost as long as I remember where I came from. See? No compass needed! Enjoy roaming untethered for a bit!

[Pax_luv]

That was greatly comforting... Thanks ciluzen.

I figured out why I'm so frozen with this last piece of documentation (still only 60% done by the way). It's supposed to be the last one before we head into negotiations.

I've shared a bit about Stbx's demeanor here. It's all about not losing. He will do WHATEVER it takes to not lose. I won't share any more than that. However, This is what freaks me out. I make-up (based on past experience) that If I am off by .50 cents in my disclosures, he will find a way to discredit me and use it to "prove" that I'm dishonest, etc. I mean, he's pretty much been doing this the whole time.

That's major mind reading and pure imagination on my part, but trust me, I didn't form this fear or anxiety out of thin air. It came from me being on the sidelines of this for 11 years. I just never thought I would be on the other side of the table.

So, I'm currently paralyzed with fear. I've been In this exact place before with him. When he gave me the baby ultimatum, I froze up for months battling with fighting for my sense of self and my own integrity, while fighting for the marriage the best I knew how (in an environment where I didn't feel psychologically safe). It was lose- lose regardless, and I was completely and utterly paralyzed with fear. Frozen.

I'm here again. I have to trust that my lawyer is going to look after me and I pray I haven't made any mistakes with my paperwork... Because if I did, I'm afraid I will be royally screwed. I've shared this concern with my L a few months ago and he's assured me that it doesn't work like that in family law... But I can't help this feeling. I'm scared.

[Pax_luv]

Oh also, when I read his latest email to my L (which included more general threats) I just had to shake my head and say, "ick. This guy is SUCH a *beeeeep*!!!!!!! Then I told myself to hold on to that anger to fuel me a bit.

I wanted to text my girlfriends asking them to reinforce why this d is a good thing, why I'm better off, etc.... But I didn't. At the end of the day, that's not what I'm about. At least I'm going to walk away from this with integrity.

[Sotto]

Hi Pax, I understand your fears and I also found it difficult to quietly challenge XH's unrealistic perceptions of how a settlement should play out. This is why it helps to have L's. You don't need to deal with him directly at all and as long as you have been as careful as you can be with disclosures and so on, that's as much as you can do.

For XH, I found that once he had his own L, he became more realistic. Do bear in mind that his L in the background is going to be challenging unrealistic expectations on his part.

So, I would say finish off this last piece of information, breathe a sigh of relief and then start to think with your L about what would be a fair and realistic settlement in all circumstances. And if your H chooses to be unrealistic, overbearing, competitive or whatever - that's up to him and it needn't rattle you at all Sweetie xx

[JujuB]

Pax,

Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I have been dragging out my financial disclosure as well. Simple things took days, weeks, months for me to get out. And then it's not enough...more questions that I dont have the answers to.

I am so fearful that ex will take half of my savings because he never saved or perhaps hid his money. I have school debt from before marriage that I didn't pay off cause interest was so low and I believed I was investing and saving for a home. The unknown is scary!

My lawyer probably thinks I am the biggest flake. Ex is ocd, and detail oriented, and quick with his paperwork and quite frankly has more time and less distractions to complete.

There was a big mental block for me as well because I never handled the finances and was fearful.

Oh god I'm supposed to get more info for lawyer, but am writing this post at the moment. Ugh! I will feel so much better once it's done.

Won't our shoulders feel great without that weight?

[Pax_luv]

Thank you for the support Sotto...I do pray he is calmer in the next phase of this.
Knowing his demeanor, I prayed constantly while we were in the midst of the separation, just praying that he would realize that I wasn't fighting him. Why? Because I knew 110% that he was going to come at me swinging.... It's what he does

Juju- how similar we are! I trusted stbx with everything. As a business guy, our finances were always Sooo confusing and convoluted. I did not have access to the info so it's been a bear trying to get everything and I'm afraid of forgetting something. I too thought I was investing in a house (and a future) and he's trying to paint a picture that is quite the opposite. He actually thinks I should walk away with zero and give him spousal support. He doesnt have a "real" job, so he has all the time in the world to make my life hel!

I finished the paperwork today! Woop woop! I wasn't as organized as I normally am with the documentation so I'm going to have the paralegal sort it out for me. It's too much and I'm done. Put it on my tab!

Last night when I was thinking about the task I actually cracked myself up at how bad I was procrastinating. At midnight, i went and cleaned my teeth in order to avoid the work. I fully would rather do a full dental cleaning on myself at midnight than gather a single bank statement! Well, I thought it was funny anyway.

Ahhhh.... Taking this evening to relax.

[job]

I'm happy to read that you finished up your paperwork. I know how you feel about that stuff...but it's now done and the paralegal and do his/her thing w/it. Now, it's time to breathe and relax and also move on to other things.

[Pax_luv]

Happy Sunday all!

This post is coming to you live from my apartment complex's pool.

I have an overwhelming sense of gratitude and I wanted to come here and share this progress. Ps... As I'm typing this out, I'm actually listening to the song "So D@mn Lucky". So good.

As you know, I've been a super funk the last few weeks and I just feel so grateful that I'm on a very good high right now and Im not taking one second for granted.

Getting my paperwork done has helped alleviate a lot of stress that's for sure. It allowed me to completely enjoy this weekend. I cleaned, I organized, I exercised, I lost my voice at a dueling piano bar singing at the top of my lungs with friends, had an awesome dinner,