She moved out...now the work begins...Part 4

[CaliGuy]

SBJ

The bed being made every morning was me, its still something I do every morning, it starts the day off with one small accomplishment that seems so simple but when you struggle to even get out of bed its huge. The logic behind it became a bit more clear was when I was just starting to scratch the surface of true change, I wanted to be a better man .... admittedly it was to win back my wife of course .... but then over time it became so much more about me and my personal growth than it was about doing it for her. I then had the epiphany .... I was 100% guilty of doing so many things for/because of her that over time I lost ME. If you read ... or a series of similar male improvement literature you sill see this theme is common for us fixers. Cali 2.0 was there and ready to be unleashed I just had to find the courage to hit the reboot button. (I speak in nerd code sometimes so bear with em) It was scary ... you are afraid if you do a hard reboot you may have a system failure ... your computer is locked up and basically worthless so you really have nothing to lose ... you just have to find the courage to do it.

This forum is full of people who never asked for this, never thought we would find ourselves 'here'. Unfortunately life is not always fair, it sometimes plays by its own rules and throws us some nasty curves ... in this case it feels like we were hit by the pitch and not allowed to take first base. I refused to be that bitter person wasting negative energy on someone/something that came out of the blue and made no sense. I have reached that spot where I almost feel sorry for her but I refuse to allow her crisis to waste anymore of my time/life. This is not out of spite nor anger, it comes from a place of peace and strength that I would have NEVER arrived at without this forum.

I will share this with you, I would never have considered myself a 'Man of God' but... all this ... the lessons I learned .. I would have not learned without this pain, nor would I have grown from it all. My relationship with God and my son have increased leaps and bounds. For that I am grateful and I trust that He will deliver me just where I need to be WHEN I am to be there, its not our time line ... never really was.

I leave you with the passage that was on my phone yesterday and it seems to fit so many of us:

1 Peter 5:10
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

[SBJ]

Thanks Cali 2.0...

One of my favorites is James 12:
Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.

We are all in this together...I hope and pray that we will all be better for enduring these trials that we didn't ask for. Maybe this is what we needed to reach our full potential.

[AndrewP]

SBJ - your line "we are all in this together" reminded me of a Canadian icon, Red Green.

If you want a bit of a laugh check out him out on YouTube by searching "Red Green philosophy". He will often end the segment by saying "I'm pullin for 'ya - we're all in this together." as he finishes working on his fishing fly.

Nothing particularly helpful for your situation. Just a good laugh for a Friday night.

[SBJ]

Journaling...having an urge to reach out to W and tell her to come home. I know I'm supposed to stay strong and not say those things, but it is a strong urge. Not sure why it is so strong, but it is.

I will try and do other things to take my mind off of it...

[Vapo]

Just ask yourself WILL IT WORK? And then act accordingly...

If you think it might work (IT WILL NOT) do give it a go, but you are in no position to throw any hail mary passes...

You are speaking from neediness and desperation. Do some physical exercises, it will help...

[roist]

Begging, pleading or just asking her to come back WILL NOT WORK. There are many reasons for this. I don't have the time to outline in detail but here is my viewpoint.

Your W has been unhappy with you for a long time (18-24 months at least) she has weighed up her feelings, thoughts and options. That process led her to deciding to leave you and split the family unit. That was not a light hearted decision.She believed it was the best option, maybe even the ONLY option.

Nothing you say will affect that decision except to reinforce it.

To be attractive to someone you need to be a strong independent (or more accurately non- dependant man. You must not NEED her. Neediness,begging and pleading are not attractive.

You should show her that you can live and thrive without her. That is attractive. Aim for that. Fake it until you make it if you need to. Think about what brings a smile to your face or a bounce in your step.Add those things into your life.

Admit it or not but being in a R has restrictions. The benefits of the R usually outweigh those compromises but they exist. Now you have an opportunity to do whatever you want with your life. Live it to the Max. I am not debating the merits of being in a R/M but pointing out that being separated can also be an opportunity. Seize it. Go find yourself and your happiness.

TBH what other choice do you have? None. Either you let this hold you down or you rise above it. A simple choice but hard to impliment.

Going back to your urge. I understand it and I know how you feel. During my journey I have found that every time I had such an urge or felt compelled to do something, most often it was not the best thing to do. If you feel you have to try something or do something, to me that is a warning not to.

I am confident acting on this urge will not bring ye closer to reconciliation but actually further. Again just my opinion. I urge you not to.but if you really need to act on this urge, go for it. Maybe her reaction is what you need to accept where she is and that you cannot change that. Maybe then you will be able to focus on YOU and YOUR goals.

Best wishes

[job]

roist,

An excellent posting and very well said.

[mirage]

Yes, Roist great post.

For the record, SBJ, I have lived that road to my own happpiness less my EXW and it was worth it 10 times over.

I understand it's hard to walk away from someone you have spent many years with. Do what ever you have to do to keep walking that path. If for some reason she changes her mind you will know.

Mirage

[SBJ]

Thank you guys for the responses...I didn't think I would act on it, but was just saying that I had this strong urge. It is probably brought on by the fact that she has been so talkative about the impending D. She keeps trying to discuss splitting assets and how that would all play out. I keep telling her to talk to her attorney and have him send anything to mine.

25 years with someone is hard to let go...I really am trying to find my peace, but she has been such an integral part of my world for so so it is difficult to release her from my thoughts. One of the biggest issues with our relationship was the fact that we would not tell the other something with the fear that it would hurt the others feelings. She obviously overcame that since she seems to have no problem letting me go.

I will work hard this week to add to or increase things that will keep my mind busy. Cleaning the garage, increasing my mileage, hitting the weights with my oldest son, watching football with friends, and reading.

[Gordie]

SBJ,

I've spent days reading all of your posts and have learned a lot. My BD was in September 2016, are still living together, and are working on a separation agreement. Like you, my W is also my best friend of 20 years and we have kids and my W insists that we will continue to be friends after we separate and that, in time, I will see that this is the best for the development of our relationship.

Thank you for sharing your story. It gives me insight and preparation into some of the difficult things to come (such as having to to tell the kids and actually living apart).