That's me in the spotlight

[Coly23]

Hey Altair, sorry you are feeling rubbish at the moment. Not good when you have to force yourself to smile with strangers coupled with not feeling to well either. I do hope your health improves soon.

You say that that this time of the year may cause your H to throw in the towel but do you think that is you projecting your feelings on to him? Are you feeling like throwing in the towel but you are conflicted with your need to stand for your marriage as well? I know the feeling!

To be honest with you I consider throwing in the towel about 100 times a day but I think it's all part and parcel of our journey. Prior to writing this I was blubbering good and proper after reading a motivational quote on Pintrest and thought that's it I can't do this anymore I'm going to text H and tell him where to stick it! But then i calmed down and saved some nice recipes instead.

I've realised that I am a very impulsive person and I've had to learn to stop myself from reacting when I think H is thinking something. You don't know what he is thinking Altair so setting yourself up for another BD is only gonna make you ill especially with your current medical worries. Your IC is right, live in the present because the future is unknown even to your H. Don't give him that power. Now I think I need to take my in advice!

Let's take a walk down to the banks of the Rubucon and meet AP and the others for a nice Limoncello. (((Altair))).

[Altair]

LOL- Limoncello! I'm there.
yeah, me and you, all over the place. I am feeling like no talking about R since June, no contact save a few messages since october, well it's kind of doomsday for me and crazy. Just end it already I think. Why would you need to "process" for over six months (when he already was deep in MLC with EA last year?
Just a time thing really. Like why? Why drag this out and not talk to me I feel like I am back in high school the girl that wouldn't talk to me for a year. It terrifies me and also make me want to DO SOMETHING about it. Why ignore me? What did I do? We never fought (I know this is indicative of other problems) Anyway. tired of being in this. hugs coly!

[Altair]

Hello everyone.
Totally forgot-- ages ago I corresponded with a work-person I'd never met, in another state. He saw me at a meeting, followed me out, thought I was leaving but I was just going to the bathroom, introduced himself.
I think he likes me or minimally finds me attractive. Sigh, another young'un, maybe 35? Although, these 50+ MLCers can act 13, so maybe age is but a number.
Anyway, I barely know him and said yes to a coffee or wine in a few minutes. I don't lead people on and am not a flirtatious person, but this tiny smidgen of male attention might be nice. No word from H, on that front. And, after our meeting (which my boss actually wants me to network with him, so in fact this has to be professional anyway) I'm going to go crash and get up at the crack of dawn. Eh, stretching my wings a bit. I don't need massive ego-stroking, but I swear, just someone being nice to me at this point gets me all teary-eyed. It's been a rough half-a-year for sure. It can only get better. Right? Right??

[Altair]

Also I'm in IT, so it seems like at least 3/4 male at this conference. Maybe more. I call it the sausage fest (not in a derogatory way, just a way). There was a sign reminding people not to harass the women, and be respectful. The new world we live in. I was kind of chuckling, now that I feel invisible anyway, just kind of thinking, you can talk with me, just don't harass me, right? I don't want to be a sexless machine in my life, a genderless robot-- oh wait I already am! It does seem many men are afraid of approaching me period-- I think that has gotten worse in the last few years. Either because I am old or policies or both, who knows. Since my life is my job, well, life is boring, that's for sure. Well, this year I didn't really present or do anything interesting so no one has any reason to randomly come up to me anyway. Anyway, I'm really lonely, but I can resign myself to it. Trying to have a good time in spite of things.

[Coly23]

Hey Altair, I'm glad you said yes to a drink/coffee with that work guy. It's good to keep your hand in with a bit of flirting!

With the whole male attention thing, I'm in the same boat as you in that I don't really get any at all! When I'm out with D she literally gets double takes which is quite funny to see and also makes me proud! To be honest with you I'm not bothered really and I'm not just saying that because I don't get any attention, I really dont need that complicating my life at the moment.

I'm not really sure what to think of your H. I know you commented in a previous post that you didn't know of any other sitch where the IC suggested to the WAS to go NC with the LBS, however I just remembered that this happened to Pinn. His W said it was suggested to her so she did not give Pinn any false hope however it made her mad that Pinn had also gone NC so it was a bit of a stalemate. In the end Pinn's wife started behaving like the LBS!

I must admit I get very confused with going dark and NC. If you feel it is benefiting you then that's a good thing however if it's driving you nuts like it did for me then how is that of benefit? When I read some of the really old threads the thinking on NC and gong dark is that it isn't supposed to be forever and at some point you can start turning up the dimmer switch to bring them into the light. I think at this stage in the game you've got to do what is right for you Altair and if you feel compelled to DO SOMETHING then maybe you should...

Have you got any GAL activities lined up for this weekend?

[Altair]

Coly,
We did speak for a hot minute about my health, breaking NC. Recall, I am not doing NC! H is. He doesn't want to talk to me. My only recourse is D, according to him, in that he needs space. He won't respond to a text. H said he wanted more space "for a little more"-- where I am at. What do i do if someone asks for a little more space?
Is DO SOMETHING DO NOTHING? maybe.
Re, coffee date.
Oh god he was lovely. handsome, smart, married with 2 year old. I immediately turned off all signals (he mentioned his wife within like 5 minutes, good married man) He's great! I can be his friend and collaborate, easy peasy. (goes off into corner cries over H)

[AndrewP]

Altair - There's room over at the cafe if you like. We can cry on each other's shoulders.

It's funny that you wrote about men being afraid to approach you, I just wrote the same thing in the opposite direction on my own thread. Perhaps us "propeller heads" are too much for them ?

I'm glad that the gent you visited with was open and honest about his marriage and that he wanted to visit with you because he liked and respected you. You are a good person with a dry wit and a depth of heart and personality that will take a special person to appreciate. I encourage you to mingle more at the conference, sparkle like the star that you are, look people in the eyes and not at their ring fingers. Be you. You are indeed the best at that.

(((Altair)))

[Altair]

Back from conference. Glad I went. Turned on heat, looking at mound of laundry. I remember this one conference I went to, like a year ago, so I'd already moved here and H and I were dealing with being apart, and he called me a bunch and was irritated that I couldn't find time to talk to him. I remember apologizing and said I had to go out for drinks with this one group, I called him when I got back to the hotel but he didn't want to talk then. I remember thinking he was being kind of a baby about it- not understanding that the whole thing is massive amounts of work-- I wondered if he was jealous but I didn't pick up on any jealousy. He said I'm really missing you and I don't like that we don't live together now. I felt sad and talked about when we'd see each other again. I think that is, to the week, when his EA started (well, if you look at when they started texting it was like 3 days after that conference). After that he never seemed to care about my conferencing and travel. It was weird, over those next few months he pulled way back and of course, I started pursuing. It is so confusing. I feel sometimes he's just mad at me and not speaking to me for 3 months is just punishment. Or that was some entering of MLC/depression back then. There are a lot of 'what ifs', but I do think the depression was inevitable. Had we been together I guess it might have manifested itself differently, I don't know. I remember thinking 'ok it'll be just 9 months of being apart then we'll be together again. And then it all blew up.

[Coly23]

Hey Altair, shame about your friend being married but glad you know this fact and he made it clear to you!

About your H and the NC thing, yes I remember now that he is doing NC but I guess it is also for you because he isn't in a good place at the moment as you have experienced when you met on occasion. However, if you think about it all our WS's are asking for space and to a degree NC, your H has just asked for it in a more direct way. Does that mean you change what you are doing? I don't think so but you have to make that decision because it's your pain, your life that you have to live in limbo everyday.

Whether you decide to initiate D or continue to stand giving your H the space he has asked for we are here to support you. X

[job]

Coly's advice is spot on. If he wants space and time, then give it to him. While he's gone, continue working on you and focusing on your health.

You will know when you've had enough, i.e., it will be like a light switch that goes off. Whether you opt for filing for divorce or wish to continue leaving the door ajar and moving forward w/your life, we are here to support you.