Walked away due to financial infidelity

[Cadet]

I have more to tell too ...

So is there more to tell?

[Origina]

I just meant with the way he's being with me. More examples etc

It's like I've managed to get him to chase me and be interested in me again but I can't seal the deal.
Maybe I'm too impatien wanting too much too soon.

[Cadet]

I just meant with the way he's being with me. More examples etc

It's like I've managed to get him to chase me and be interested in me again but I can't seal the deal.
Maybe I'm too impatien wanting too much too soon.

DB101 is patience.

Have you read the books?

[Origina]

Not yet.
I've only just joined the forum. Been reading the posts and Just found out about the books.

I really struggle with patience.

I know I must change - maybe that will be my testing 180

I've managed quite a few 180's quite naturally that have made him chase me

[Cadet]

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

[MrBond]

I doubt it's just the loan. You guys have a bigger issue of not communicating correctly out of fear. You mention both of you were married previously. How long was each marriage and what were the causes of the breakups?

[Origina]

We both met much older partners at age 21. Both partners were emotionally abusive and selfish. We both decided to end our previous marriages of 12 and 14 years (me). We talked, cried, argued, upset each other and resolved our differences and worked together on our divorces together. It was hard doing that as a couple but it wasn't constant and the vast majority of our time was spent having fun.
I know it's hard to believe but if you took the Loan and me hiding it and him findign out about it out of the picture we would have been incredibly happy. We'd decided to get married (date was sept and it was booked) then this year we were trying to emigrate to Australia.
His ex wife racked up loads of debts (not like me secretly) but by bullying him into it and more debts for a lavish lifestyle then cut her work hours etc. I know he can't cope very well emotionally with debt because he's still tied into some debts with her.
I do not have one reason for taking out the loan secretly. I always thought I could sort it out without him finding out.
My excuses are I'd finished a job I loved and started one I hated. I did feel really depressed about it and actually mourned my last job. Sounds daft but true.
I remember wanting some money which I knew was coming to me but I couldn't get my hands on any sooner and then getting the Loan. It is all such a hazy blur like I'm blocking my actions out. I was always so careful with money previously.
But yes. This is enough (my lie about money) to send him over the edge.
We always keep discussions private but I involved his mum becaus eif his drunkjnga nd he feels so ashamed of his drinking and his parents knowing about the lain that he couldn't cope before xmas.

[Cadet]

Well I agree with Mr Bond that there are more issues,
communications and trust are at least two of them.

I am also wondering if more is not going on that we don't know about.

Who earns the money between the two of you and who decides how it is spent?
Why did you kick him out of the house if you were the one that was wrong?
And why did he willingly go?

[Origina]

We both earn and we both decide how it's spent (normally)

Before xmas he was the one who was totally switched off due to finding out about the loan, called the wedding off etc he was so hurt because normally I'm mega sensible with money. It wasn't a nice time at all. We were avoiding each other and tense all the time.
He seemed absolutely set on leaving. I didn't stop him renting a house but he agreed that for the kids sake he'd leave after xmas.
He was so upset over the loan (I know some divorcees are going through much worse but to him a secret loan is akin to a sexual affair) and he couldn't cope, got really drunk on works xmas party and stayed out two days.
I was furious he'd decided not to cone home and so basically broken the agreement to stay til after xmas and I decided if he wanted that bl@@dy rental house so much he could sod off and live in it. I changed the locks and kicked him out. His behaviour was shitty during Nov and beginning of Dec enough to make me believe we were through.
He didn't willingly go. I didn't give him a choice.
And he's been here every night since except for 4 nights
Oh I took the Loan out in joint names - -- a key bit of info I didn't include reading back

[Origina]

Why I did it in joint names is beyond me- why I f Don't stop and say whoa it's been approved but I didn't ask him let's stop it - I really don't know - it's like a bad dream