She moved out...now the work begins...Part 4

[SBJ]

Mirage I suppose you are right. The LBS and the MLC'er both have to go thru their own journey. I am trying to stay positive about my situation...I have 3 beautiful kids that I adore, a family that are amazing, wonderful friends that will go to the mat for me, and a strong faith in God. I will survive this and be a better man for it.

It is just my nature as a self-proclaimed fixer to try and understand why she feels that our M cannot and should not be saved. Maybe one of these days she will see all of the good things that I see, but until then I am trying to work on me.

[CaliGuy]

SBJ

Been following along but to busy to really post much.

Allow yourself to grieve, if you were not upset about this situation well it would most likely be your W here posting and asking for advice on how to survive your crisis right?

She is doing this D thing fast for 2 reasons, one its like the band-aide... its going to hurt more if you slowly take it off right? Second ... she has been thinking aobut this for a long time, planning it out, this is not a spur of the moment idea. Just know that .... also know that reality and what she has fantasized will be very much 2 different things, this is why we are pushing you to truly DB and trust the process. You will be a better man from all of this if you do the work and either she will wake up later and see that, or she won't ... regardless the end result that YOU can control will be there. Its your choice on what that person looks like ... the time is now to become the best version of you that is possible.

[SBJ]

Thanks for the response CaliGuy...it has been a bit since I saw your name. I hope all is well in your neck of the woods.

The D process just stinks and having to divide everything up is crazy...stuff is stuff, but it gets wacky saying you take this and I'll take that. I would trade all of my belongings for things to work out between us, but that is not how this thing works.

I'm going to continue to do the work on me...for me and my kids.

[job]

mirage and Cali are both very spot on w/their postings. Your journey will be revealed to you as you continue to travel your life's path. It does take a while to unfold, but when you do begin to see what is in store for you, you'll be amazed at how far you will have come, as well as being far wiser than you have ever been. You'll begin to see people, places and things so differently...but again...that is further down the road. Trust the system, have faith in the man upstairs.

Cali is absolutely correct when he stated that your wife has been thinking about a D for a while. It's not a snap decision on her part, just as the BD wasn't a snap decision. They tend to disconnect from their old lives approximately 12-24 months prior to the bomb drop. They have already left the marriage and that old life behind and that's why it is so much easier for them to move on and actually cut ties w/all that they knew. We are part of that past and they don't want to be reminded of what they had or how good it was at the moment. Divorce, to them, is called "freedom". Freedom to do whatever they want, when they want to and w/whom they want to be with. Freedom is the brass ring that they are trying to grasp on the merry-to-round as they go round and round. Unfortunately, nothing really changes except they aren't married any longer to us. Life continues to go on, responsibilities are still a day-to day thing, and their euphoria lasts just about 6 months before all of this "freedom" comes crashing down. They soon discover that the bills continue to come in, the things that they did when living w/us continue because they have to work, pay bills, shop for groceries, clean their places, etc. and yes, the "guilty little demons" still come out to play at night when things are very quiet and they have nothing to occupy their time or minds.

So, while they are hitting bricks walls and trying everything on God's green earth to stay happy, we are working on ourselves and we are working thru the process and not around it, i.e., like they are.

Bottom line, we can't see the work that is taking place within them, but we sure can see the work that we are doing on ourselves each and every day. Why? Because we are growing by leaps and bounds, rediscovering ourselves, stepping outside our comfort zones and trying new things, meeting new people and some are evening relocating.

Have faith in yourself and the man upstairs. He works in mysterious ways and we don't always get what we want, but we do get what he thinks we need.

Just my two cents.

[Vapo]

Amen Job...

[SBJ]

job...One of my favorite tunes is below...kind of sad, but pretty spot on. I'm tired of feeling down and want to get back that happy feeling again. I'm not losing hope for she and I, but I cannot change her...she has to come to me if she ever want decides...right?

"Learned A Lot"

Hey baby! It's all gravy
We all do what we got to do
Hey darling! I'm broken hearted
I've been crying but my crying is through

[Chorus:]
And I've learned a lot
I've really learned a lot
Broken down on a bedroom floor
Yes I learned a lot
Really learned a lot
I hope you found what you were looking for

Spent a lot of time staring at the ceiling
Spent a lot of time talking to wall
Spent a lot of time chasing that old-time feeling
Spent a lot of time waiting on your call

[Chorus]

Oh and darling! The sun has been fallin'
Like the dust on some mid-Western plain
Oh and darling! Instead of runnin'
I think it might be time
You sit down
And deal with the pain

Late at night I sit and listen to the freeway
Rolling like a river on a distant shore
Nobody told me that living was easy
I ain't living in fear anymore

[Chorus]

I hope you found what you were looking for

[MrBond]

No one is telling you to give up. What you're doing is giving up CONTROL. Sounds like you're a godly man, so give your W to her. Concentrate on your actions and not on your W's.

What is your list of goals as per DB and the actions on how you are going to achieve those goals.

[SBJ]

MrBond...my goals seem to be changing daily.
I am trying to keep a PMA so my kids see dad as a strong man that will be able to withstand any storm thrown his way.
I am eating right and working out on a fairly regular basis.
I am reading to keep my mind working. spiritually, mentally, emotionally.
I am working at starting a men's support group at my church with a counselor friend of mine.
I have signed up for a Tough Mudder Race with some friends of mine that I've known for 35 years...Sept. 2017...nervous and excited at the same time.
And I am making my bed first thing every morning...routine. I forgot who I heard it from, but it has helped. Maybe Roist/CaliGuy...I forget.

I am also trying to keep my sanity...my W is trying to rush thru the D process so that she saves money. Our 25 yr history all boils down to dollars and cents to her. She wants to save money on the attorneys fees and take half of everything we worked so hard for over the last 25 years. Actually she doesn't want the stuff, she just wants cash value. How miserable.

[skm0619]

SBJ....

I read what someone posted on your thread that said "don't equate letting go with moving on....letting go doesn't mean giving up, but sometimes we truly need to let go in order to hold on"

I have noticed that I am slowly letting go and I am feeling okay with that decision. Yes it is not what I thought I would ever do, nor do I want to let go, but it is me giving up control and seeing what happens in this process. I am TERRIFIED that once I fully let go my H will not come back. But, to be honest he walked away a while ago I just didn't want to see it at the time.

I hear your sadness and hurt and I wish there was something someone could do or say to you to make you feel better. I am not someone who has a strong faith, but luckily you are. Turn to GOD and your faith when you have those moments of doubt, hopelessness and sadness.

You know that when your wife is sitting all alone in her new place that she is having moments of sadness and doubts. She will not admit to it but she is.

I love what Job said .....
so, while they are hitting brick walls and trying everything on God's green earth to stay happy, we are working on ourselves and we are working thru the process and not around it, i.e., like they are"

Stay strong...

[SBJ]

SKM0619...THX for the kind words. My faith tells me to give all of my cares to God, but that doesn't mean that we don't have doubts that creep into our mind. I guess my issue is how fast everything seems to "me". I get when they say that she has had these thoughts and feelings for a long time, but it didn't really get to me until July...now 6 months later she is rushing the D.

One of her friends reached out last night checking on me and I told her that I am strong enough to handle what is happening, but that I realize that she "has" to complete what she started, because she does that with everything in her life. She always finishes what she starts. Funny thing is that it didn't include her M.

I try not to think about what she does out on her own...it kind of stings since we did everything together. It's not that I want her to hurt or feel bad/sad about what is happening, but I do want her to see that what we have in our family is actually good.

I agree with you on what job says...actually all of the vets on here are full of wise advice. It is good that we have them, but it is sad that there are so many of us that are either in it or have gone thru it.

My prayer list keeps getting longer and longer...pretty soon I'm going to have to take off an entire day just to get to you all.