The last 22+ years of my M-life has been totally divided into dollars and cents...she has no sentimental value towards anything we owned together. She has her new house, new furniture, and new life w/o me as her husband...now she has also figured out a way to make herself happy...right? While I know that this is all part of the script...it sure does stink.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
I am sorry SBJ. It is painful to see the MLCer drag out the dumpster and start tossing everything over his/her shoulder. Her behavior is neither normal nor rational unless of course she is in MLC. It is crazy to witness.
I read your last few posts about the difficulty of letting her go and feeling like you need to do more. Just a friendly reminder that although it takes two to marry it only takes one to uncouple. You know you can't control her or her decisions.
However, you do hurt yourself and you add time to all this by emotionally holding on to her mess. Letting go, of course does not mean she will come back. But, as holding on does not fix it (only adds time to the clock), the only healthy choice is to let go.
I know this is easier said than done. Give it over to God. As you know, much is written about tossing vows into a dumpster.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Thanks for the visit andkindwords HaWho...all of the easy is making it easier to not like her right now and hopefully will make it easier to let go, but as I said before it goes against my nature. My parents divorce affected me more than I know which instilled in me a desire to make my M work. Unfortunately, her parents D showed her that it is ok to D. I'm between Arouca and a hard place on this one.
I have to let go either way...and she will either come back or not. The odds stink either way.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
SBJ, you asked this on another thread. 'I have read the DR book and am struggling with the whole...how am I going to save my M when it is imminent that we are going to be divorced in the near future and she doesn't want to fix our M. I am becoming a better version of myself for me and my children, but should I embrace the D as something that she has to complete (as our original M is dead anyway)? Should I do what I said I would never do and totally let her go? That seems to be the advice mostly found on here...drop the rope and don't be afraid of losing them. Totally counter intuitive, but seems that I have no choice in the matter. Not to mention that it is totally against my moral views...I hope and pray this is the right thing for me to do.'
You know what that whole comment reeks of? Fear. Do what you think is right and what works. Clinging on with your claws hasn't worked. Do the next thing. Not for her but for you.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I'm sorry you are having a hard time these past couple of days.
I understand how you feel when you say "should I do what I said I would never do and totally let her go" this does seem like the "wrong" thing to do in our minds. I honestly don't know if I will ever feel comfortable with it, but it is what I have chosen to do. I have been dealing with my situation longer then you so maybe time has made it easier for me to make this decision. It was not an easy one to make by any means, but these past couple of days I have had this sense of wanting and needing to let go and see what happens. It doesn't mean that I have given up on the hope that one day things for my situation will improve, or that I don't think about my H all day long. It means that I am letting him do what he needs to do.....whatever that is.
I see my husband post things on social media and it makes me upset that he is out there doing things without me. But I know that he is only posting those things to make himself feel better. I know deep down inside he has tremendous guilt and shame, and is suffering just like I am, but he doesn't know how, or want to deal with his emotions. So, he posts pictures showing everyone how much fun he is having, when in reality he isn't having any fun at all.
I'm sad for you (and me) that we are having to go through all of this. I hope you have a better day.
You know what that whole comment reeks of? Fear. Do what you think is right and what works. Clinging on with your claws hasn't worked. Do the next thing. Not for her but for you.
Mr. Bond, you are correct about the fear and I am praying that I can let go of the fear of letting her go...again, it just goes against all of what I promised her in the beginning of our relationship. She has been out of the house for 2 months as of today. I do not call her or text her unless it is something for one of our children. I respond to her texts or phone calls short & calmly.
I admit that I was the guy that smothered his wife with praise, hugs, kisses, and probably did way too much for her that she could have and should have done for herself. I'm not able to do that at the moment since she fired me from that role. I'm spending my time trying to get better for me thru exercise, eating right, spending time in the word, spending time with my kids, spending time with other strong men of faith, and learning to be me again...instead of us.
In what other way do I need to drop the rope and release her? I pray ceaselessly for her and try and give her and my marriage to God and let him do the work, but as a human being, it is difficult to not think about her.
Originally Posted By: skm0619
SBJ....
I'm sorry you are having a hard time these past couple of days.
I understand how you feel when you say "should I do what I said I would never do and totally let her go" this does seem like the "wrong" thing to do in our minds. I honestly don't know if I will ever feel comfortable with it, but it is what I have chosen to do. I have been dealing with my situation longer then you so maybe time has made it easier for me to make this decision. It was not an easy one to make by any means, but these past couple of days I have had this sense of wanting and needing to let go and see what happens. It doesn't mean that I have given up on the hope that one day things for my situation will improve, or that I don't think about my H all day long. It means that I am letting him do what he needs to do.....whatever that is.
I see my husband post things on social media and it makes me upset that he is out there doing things without me. But I know that he is only posting those things to make himself feel better. I know deep down inside he has tremendous guilt and shame, and is suffering just like I am, but he doesn't know how, or want to deal with his emotions. So, he posts pictures showing everyone how much fun he is having, when in reality he isn't having any fun at all.
I'm sad for you (and me) that we are having to go through all of this. I hope you have a better day.
skm0619...I am also sorry that we are in this predicament, but we are. I wish I had all of the answers to make things better or to heal all of our wounds, but I don't. I think only time will tell whether we make the right choices or the wrong ones.
I read Conway's 6 stages of MLC again yesterday and was just as blown away. I think my W is deep into the replay portion, but who really knows? She is so darn certain that her life is going to be better when not married to me. She is certain that our D will have no negative affects on our kids. She is treating the D process just like buying a new car. She is totally unemotional about any of it...at least when speaking to me. Maybe behind closed doors she breaks down a bit, but I don't know.
Because we are a remote control society, I wish this MLC had a fast forward button on it, but that isn't going to happen. As Mr. Bond said I am fearful that if I drop her completely, I might not ever want to pick her back up again...not saying she will be there anyway, but you know what I mean.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Yes, don't equate 'letting go' with moving on, closing the door, not caring - or whatever else you may be struggling with.
Letting go doesn't mean giving up on the M or failing her in anyway, but in these difficult situations, sometimes we need to truly let go in order to hold on. I once read that the most loving thing to do for someone is to allow them the dignity to take their own journey, even though they don't want you to be part of it.
Now, you can do all of this and ultimately be willing to keep the door open a tiny crack, should things turn at some point going forwards. For me, I went very dim and let go of the outcome. However, when XH told me he wanted a D, I told him clearly that I loved him and that D wasn't what I wanted and that I hoped we would find our way back to each other going forwards. He decided to proceed with the D in any case, but I rested easier having told him that after months and months of DBing.
For me, letting go was a accepting that I didn't get to control the outcome - I only got to control me. And I came to accept that XH has his life and I have mine. And if he chooses to spend his life with OW, that's up to him and I will decide how I spend my life and with whom. We just became very much separate in my mind. Not a unit. The D further helped that as he wasn't even 'my H' any longer. He just became some guy who has a girlfriend..
Hope this helps a little anyway
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I spoke with a friend/counselor yesterday who told me that I have done all I can do to hold my M together and if she decides to get out, then I can always know and tell my kids that I did all that I could do. It is simply frustrating to want something so bad, yet not be able to attain it. I was sure we could break this curse of divorce that runs in our families...I guess the big guy has other plans for us at the moment.
She has filed and is working diligently on getting this thing done in record time. I am a true believer in that things happen in God's timing, but it is still a hard pill to swallow.
I told her months ago something similar that my DB coach suggested...I said, "I disagree that Divorce is the best option, but I love you and respect you if that is your decision. The hardest words to ever come out of my mouth. She took those words and kept running with them. She know I love her. She knows I want her. There is no more to say.
Again thanks...
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
I wish I could show the newer people on here that there is a better life waiting for them. Unfortunately, or as I think fortunately you have to go through this journey yourself to really see the things behind the curtain that you are to see.
Hang in there. we would or will have a different conversation down the road. One where you have learned lessons you cannot even comprehend now.
