She moved out...now the work begins...Part 4

[SBJ]

They are so much better at DB'ing than we are. They are able to shut us out of their lives with such ease...or at least it looks easy from where I sit.

This is an easy one. The fact it seems so much easier for them is that they are at least a year and half ahead of you. The BD for you was not BD for her. She started living it up at least a year and half ago. If you think about it, you should be able to spot some unusual details in retrospective.

I can't chart it all the way back to 18 months back, but starting in January certain things did change. She became a fitness fanatic. She became much more concerned about her looks...wrinkles and such...really about aging. She told me that I told her I loved her too much. She told me that I complimented her on her looks too much.

Those are the types of things that really stand out.

SBJ

The emotions are tough ... but if you did not have them it would probably be more alarming no? Understand they will come in cycles, and intensity but over time they will decrease the more you begin to grow/heal and deal with them.

I am starting to get more control of them, but I feel that it is good to have them. I just wish I could pick and choose when and where they would hit. Driving down the highway is no place to lose it. Taking care of a patient is no place to break. Seeing an elderly married couple sitting together in a restaurant holding hands is a bad place as well.

I had a friend ask me the other day why I wasn't mad or angry...I guess I am coming to grips with the fact that this is out of my control and that I did nothing to cause her crisis. I know that I can improve as a man, a husband, a father, a son, and a brother, but I am not the cause of her crisis.

Just saw a video of a woman describing how to let go and let God take control of the situation. I pray that I am able to do that and that she is able to open her heart to him.

May 2017 be the year we all succeed!!!

[d_Rose]

Hi SBJ - made it through all your threads!

I too have been unable to muster anger - it is just not my nature. Overwhelming grief, self pity, disbelief, but not anger. I sometimes think the anger would be easier to deal with in the short term.

It is good to see how spiritual you seem to be. It has really helped me. I try to work toward and pray to be able to let go of the outcome, and just let God take it. As a fixer, it is hard to give up that control. I try really hard to not pray for a specific outcome, but that we may each find peace and comfort in whatever His plan is for us. Boy is that hard to remember that the rest of the day.

I saw you mentioned above about seeing a patient. Are you in the medical field? I am a nurse, so the word "patient" always peaks my curiosity!

Your comments about choosing where to experience your emotions really resonates. It hits me in the most unexpected places and times - most recently at Ikea. (we would always go to Ikea when we first moved to a new assignment to get the basics) Silly, I know. I will say though, as this progresses I am able to recover from these waves of emotion much quicker and not get stuck in them quite as much.

Your New Years sounds wonderful surrounded by your kids and watching movies. No matter what happens with our M, we have wonderful families we have nurtured and will continue to love and share our life with. That gives me hope and meaning.

Happy New Year

[SBJ]

So received an early call from the W this morning. She said she was going over the Temp Orders and had questions regarding money. She said she knows this isn't what I want, but wants to do it in a nice manner so the kids aren't affected. It is crazy how they feel that parents splitting up won't affect the kids.

I slipped at one point when she asked what I wanted to do about it...I simply said that the door is wide open for her right now, but that if D goes thru we won't be friends as she has stated in the past.

How one can throw someone they say is their best friend in the world away is overwhelmingly crazy.

[SBJ]

Happy New Year to everyone...I hope and pray that 2017 will be a year of positive results for all of us here.

I saw a NY morning quote from Tony Robbins that said...Decide who you will become, what you will give, and how you will live. I thought it describes all of us here pretty well. We are becoming stronger people, giving more of ourselves, and trying to live awesome quality lives for ourselves and our families.

Journal:
The W is continually talking about the divorce process and seems to be pushing forward full steam ahead. She is asking questions regarding money and retirement accounts and the like. She is talking about the house appraisal and asking about my refinancing options. It is very frustrating.

She is also posting pics of her out and about with alot of new girlfriends that she has made since the BD...this is frustrating to me, but I also realize that she is trying to find herself or find what she thinks is missing, I guess.

I almost feel that I am going to have to go thru with the D and hope and pray that we might be able to reconcile on the other side. Someone said on the threads a while back that the MLC'er sometimes has to carry out the D all the way thru before they realize that that wasn't the problem in the first place. It is crazy to me, but maybe that is just me. Our entire family (kids, parents, aunts & uncles) and most of our friends know that this is a one-sided D, so it kind of stinks to know that I have so many people that understand, but there is nothing I can do, but ride the storm.

[Coly23]

Hey SBJ, just thought I would pop over to your thread as you were so kind as to visit me.

I haven't read through your whole sitch but I will do shortly. Sound like your W is well into the tunnel with going out and her need to D.

I have also read that sometimes we need to let them go through with the D for them to realise that it wasn't the answer. Also I've read quite a few sitches where a quick D never bodes well for the WAS as they haven't had time to process anything of what they are doing. I am hoping and praying though that it doesn't have to get to this stage.

IMO when people constantly put up photos on social media of them enjoying themselves I think they are just trying to prove a point. She is trying to prove that she can have a life without you. If she was so confident then she wouldn't need too prove it. Anyway I hate things like FB!

[CaliGuy]

SBJ

Yes ... I know with my MLCr the New Year brings in a burst of energy which they try to use to propel the cause if you will and they drink a bit more of the Cool-Aide to convince themselves this is the new exciting life they have been deprived of. Hang in there, its been said the secret to this is to out last the crisis ... as you hinted its a one sided D, in other words its her D and allow her to do the heavy lifting.

[SBJ]

H
I have also read that sometimes we need to let them go through with the D for them to realise that it wasn't the answer. Also I've read quite a few sitches where a quick D never bodes well for the WAS as they haven't had time to process anything of what they are doing. I am hoping and praying though that it doesn't have to get to this stage.

IMO when people constantly put up photos on social media of them enjoying themselves I think they are just trying to prove a point. She is trying to prove that she can have a life without you. If she was so confident then she wouldn't need too prove it. Anyway I hate things like FB!

Thanks for coming over Coly...it is always nice to hear for new people and also get new VP's...both from men and women. We are all fighting the same fight. May he grant us the strength to stand for as long as we can.

I can see that she has to have it over with...I just hope and pray that her eyes are opened to the fact that that wasn't the right answer. She has always been the type to get or do what she wants right when she decides on it...there is no planning or waiting for things...hence the rush, and yes she is tunnel surfing right now.

Hang in there, its been said the secret to this is to out last the crisis ... as you hinted its a one sided D, in other words its her D and allow her to do the heavy lifting.

Hey CaliGuy...I can out last the crisis...I just might be doing it from the outside of the M looking in. I guess as they say...the first M is dead anyway.

Did some reading on the prodigal spouse thing over the break...it is intense...I am praying for all of our H/W's to return to us in a much better way this new year.

Matthew 10:26
“Therefore do not be afraid of them. Nothing is concealed that will not be revealed, nor secret that will not be known.*

Happy New Year to you both!!!

[SBJ]

Batchitcrazy has struck again...it is funny...not really, that they think that we should be easy-go-lucky about splitting all of our family and our assets up during this evil process they call a divorce. She moved out and totally furnished a new place without consulting me, and now wants half of the value of the furniture in our home.

She even wants to ignore our attorneys orders and just do an amicable split on paper between the two of us. She is the one that has built up our debt so that is a resounding NO.

She feels that just because I bent over backwards to give into her every need and desire for our 25 year relationship, that I should do the same when she is trying to get out of it and move on to greener pastures. Is it wrong of me to hope the pastures on the other side of the fence are brown and rotten when she finds them?

[AndrewP]

SBJ - I stole this from another thread you were posting on. I'm not MrBond although I do look good in a bow tie.

Mr. Bond...not meaning to hijack, but...

I have read the DR book and am struggling with the whole...how am I going to save my M when it is imminent that we are going to be divorced in the near future and she doesn't want to fix our M. I am becoming a better version of myself for me and my children, but should I embrace the D as something that she has to complete (as our original M is dead anyway)? Should I do what I said I would never do and totally let her go? That seems to be the advice mostly found on here...drop the rope and don't be afraid of losing them. Totally counter intuitive, but seems that I have no choice in the matter. Not to mention that it is totally against my moral views...I hope and pray this is the right thing for me to do.

I know that you are a man of faith, a stronger faith than my own so I hope you'll forgive me for channeling something that job often writes here. She is still in God's hands and He's not done with her yet. Perhaps you can look at it as not "letting her go" but more that you are releasing her to a higher power.

I struggle a lot with this myself perhaps from the same point of view but without the benefit of Faith. I'd hate to presume that I know how your mind and heart are set. I've promised my W that I would not "abandon" her. To me, that's different than letting her go on her own path. She is on her own path and I let her go. I still think about her and worry about her but am leaving her to walk her own path. Where my struggle comes in and perhaps yours as well is - at what point do we decide that they have completely moved on and we can move on away from them with a clean conscience knowing that we have fulfilled our Duty to them. Someone, I think it was Cadet once wrote that you only "have" to quit when they pile dirt on you.

As far as the divorce goes, it's just a piece of paper and if she wants it, she can do all the work. It is not your role to either enable or dissuade her from it only to protect yourself and your family.

One reason I'm responding here is with regards to this post.

She even wants to ignore our attorneys orders and just do an amicable split on paper between the two of us. She is the one that has built up our debt so that is a resounding NO.

Absolutely. I've been doing a lot of reading on separation agreements lately and what makes them enforceable. These sort of things are sometimes referred to as "Kitchen Table Agreements" and lawyers love them because if they are ever challenged they never hold together. Just because your W may agree initially doesn't mean that someone won't whisper into her ear that she didn't get what "she deserves" and you end up with huge legal bills and the fight you were trying to avoid in the first place. I don't know about your location but here in order to be considered "valid" and enforceable by the courts each party must have separate independent legal advice that the agreement is equitable and that both parties fully understand it.

If you do come to an agreement it will probably simplify your life and free you from any debt obligations she may run up and it's just a piece of paper and they haven't piled dirt up on you yet.

Good Luck.

[SBJ]

Thanks AP...I guess that is my problem. We as husbands promised to never "abandon" our wives, but when that person wants out what do we do. She is so sure of this D that it makes me crazy. She even says to me..."you will see one day that this is for the best". Even though I know it is just her MLC way of trying to convince me, it makes me crazy.

MLC isn't supposed to make sense, but come on man. She isn't trying to be mean or cruel (at least I don't think so), but I guess because I am adamantly against D every time we discuss it it totally drives me nuts.

A counselor friend of mine told me a story of a couple that she was counseling thru the husbands affair. They were going along for a long time and the wife kept telling the counselor that she forgives the husband for the affair, but wasn't ready to tell him yet. The counselor asked how long the wife would draw it out and the wife replied..."When I feel he has suffered enough". I know that they, the MLC'er, puts alot of blame onto the LBS and I wonder if they do what they do to make us hurt or feel some of what they are going thru.