I discovered that my wife was having an emotional affair with a guy she met out at the bar about a month ago. I got that gut feeling, and looked at her texts.
Her father is dying from cancer, and we have had a hard time having children. I think what has pushed her is I went and got tested, and there was nothing wrong with my fertility, so she assumes that it has to be her. She has a doctors appointment in March, but wont go sooner.
I discovered they had been texting, there was an inappropriate picture, although not a nude, sent. She said that she was drunk, and instantly regretted it. The next week I saw more and he had made the joke what do Coors light and canoe sex have in common, and she said "us". Again, she claimed they were friends, and she didn't see the "sex" part. I told her that I did not think that she was that stupid. I also suspect that she has a drinking problem. When she says she wants to go out, with her friends after work, which a friend of her told me was true, I have stopped protesting. So I can do that 180. I just go to bed.
She said she will not stop talking to the other guy until she is ready. I have told her how it makes me feel. On Christmas we had I fight and I told her to leave, and she did for about 5 hours and then she came back. I have had no problems not looking at her phone, because the more I see the more I get hurt. I was ignoring her well until we went out Sunday after New Years, and we went out and she ignored me, and I saw her texting him, all day. I held it in, until last night when I asked her when she was going to stop lying to me. She said that she wasn't, and I told her all that I had seen the previous day, and said that she had actually been doing a good job until yesterday. While we didn't fight, and we talked calmly, I still wish I hadn't brought it up. She lied, and told me the times she texted her friends, and I asked her how many times she texted the guy, and she ignored that.
I am reading DB, but I just have such a hard time when she blatantly texts him in front of me. Our sex life was really good until about 5 days ago. She has told me that she doesn't look at him like that, which I don't believe, and that she loves me and only wants to be with me, which I don't believe.
Her friend talked to me, because she knows what is going on, and has tried to talk my wife out of talking to the other guy, and tells me not to give up, and she is just confused.
My ultimate goal is for her to stop texting the other guy, but I don't think I can accomplish that yet, so I figured a better goal would be to talk more, but I think my 180 should be not to talk to her as much. Any advice on how to proceed would be greatly appreciated. I have bought DR, but it has not arrived yet.
Me:33, WW:30 BD:12/14/16, EA no children Still together
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I am 33, she is 30. We have been together for 6 years, married 4.
I asked her what the deal was, what she gets from the other guy, and she said she thought she was happy with me, and is happy with me. She has told me that she loves me, and not the other guy, and she only wants to be with me. She also has said she knows I am too good to her. She said that the OM reminds her of a friend she use to have, who stopped talking to her when he got married. She also says that OM's dad died from cancer. Her father was diagnosed with prostate cancer about 5 years ago, and they gave him 4 years to live. So I know that is wearing on her, and I listen to her when she needs to talk about it. I was supportive about spending time with her dad, so she would not have any regrets.
The one complaint that she has made is that I don't like to go out all night and drink anymore, I guess you could say that I have grown up. I go out with her, or use to, but I don't like drinking all the time.
Additionally, over the last two years we have tried to have a child, and she has had two miscarriages. We have talked about the stress that is causing her, and stopped trying. Which happened after I discovered the EM, but I had been thinking about. I did confront her in one of our big fights, that she wanted to stop trying so she could go to the om without having to worry about being pregnant.
She has been affectionate to me, which I cant tell if she is just trying to string me along so I remain her safety net [in a fight I told her this too.]
I do really love her, and want to believe her, but at the same time I don't know.
Me:33, WW:30 BD:12/14/16, EA no children Still together
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
So, last night I think she told her cousin what was going on, which I take as encouraging. Their family has very loose lips, and nothing stays secret for long. I had to call her about a car repair (you know the old saying when it rains it pours) and she was very short, and she apologized saying that she had been on the phone all morning with her mom, dad, and aunt.
I am not sure how to take this, or it could be completely random.
Last night she told me she loved me and gave me a big hug, and a kiss. I hugged her back, because even though everything is because of her doing, I do still really care for her and want to try to be there for her.
I am sure it messed up any progress I made detaching.
Me:33, WW:30 BD:12/14/16, EA no children Still together
I wouldn't read too much into her telling her cousin about what is going on. At this point you can't believe any of what she says and only 1/2 of what she does. Don't invest your time, effort and energy into mind reading.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
So yesterday I told her I was leaving, that I needed some space, and of course she started calling and texting me. I held strong. Her friend told me that she admitted to her that it was very attractive.
She then texted me a bunch today, and I texted her back. She didn't respond for several hours. I broke down and asked her if we could fix things. We talked for about 30 minutes, I un did all the good I did.
How do you deal with that? I tried but I want to talk to her.
Me:33, WW:30 BD:12/14/16, EA no children Still together
So yesterday I told her I was leaving, that I needed some space, and of course she started calling and texting me. I held strong. Her friend told me that she admitted to her that it was very attractive.
Why are YOU leaving? She wants to be in a new relationship she should leave.
Basic advice here is to remain in MBR and remain in house.
