Intentional Abuse. Boundaries and Self-Improvement

[Surfer]

Surfers Journal....

Just realised we have moved on from Hurricane "Christmas Decorations" to Hurricane "Drop Off Time". I am not sure this is progress however

So I ready my W's texts from yesterday - now there is no contact the fear has gone. She accused me of changing the agreed drop off time on our joint online kids calendar. That is gaslighting/a lie. She said I agreed 3pm. Another lie and gaslighting. Finally, she said my keeping the kids was deliberate and unnecessary (presumably keeping the kids until the time we agreed??). I decided to check my hand written notes from our call. I did not agree to 3pm. It was actually 4pm on my note and I asked her to check the online diary and update it if there were any problems with how I had entered all the dates. So I decided I wanted to set the record straight (no point with the verbal abuser by the way - it just gets ignored, sidelined etc). However, I wanted to make a clear point that disrespectful behaviour will not bring the desired results. I texted her with:

"I checked, it was 4pm (see notes photo), but I put in 4.30pm. It wasn't changed. It's your job to check the calendar too. I might have been open to this if you had been nicer."

I didn't bother berating her for laying into my 71 year old Dad or getting the kids upset. There seemed to be little point. I have had no response and I don't need one as my point was to define the "bad behaviour = unfavourable outcome" boundary. I think I did this.

D9 Facetimed me earlier she was happy. We chatted for quite a while.

I trust there are no hurricanes planned for the next day or so. Then again, no point dressing for summer, just yet!!

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Peace in the Surfer household. Kids are with WW and wee seem to be communicating properly about kids pantomime tickets - albeit by text.

Went to a friends new year party yesterday. Met a lady who is interested in me and would like to meet up. it feels nice to be liked, wanted and even attractive to someone. I might catch up with her, who knows.......:)

Surfer.

[PsySara]

It's funny you mention meeting a lady, my silly mind has been entertaining the same thoughts. I would never do it unless single/divorced for at least a year. But the fact that I was able to look in the mirror recently and go, "Pssshhh, I go this, I'm not going to spend my life alone!" is remarkable.

Boundaries are probably ne of the most trickiest things to frame in one's mind. I've been reading as well and have found I can place a boundary without putting up a fence.

[Surfer]

Yes. Finding another person will happen if you are left to your own devices I think. But I certainly don't want another R at the moment as such. I just think I am starting to think about it. I guess that's a positive thing but it all brings complications ultimately, how would it work out with the kids etc. The thing hat would worry me is that you would be tempted to allow yourself to become infatuated quickly. A bit like the WS and this can't be good - I think you would need something slow and steady really. Particularly as you don't want the kids thinking you found someone else's and 'left' them without the love and attention they needed. IDK. Tricky.

Boundaries are very tricky. It's how you provide a consequence that is appropriate I am struggling with. More reading required.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Interestingly I set some boundaries yesterday. Spoke to W about a couple of kids things then mentioned she had (in the last 2 days) put an event in the diary for the kids on my weekend. I told her regardless that it was her brothers kids party, they may not go and it's down to her to advise such parties so they can re-arrange party dates to work around my weekend. Alternatively, if convenient I will take them - but her assumption that they will go, without consultation (she re-wrote history telling me I knew, which can't have been the case as she has only just found out) is not acceptable and she needs to respect this. There are no other such diary dates and I made it clear that this was not to happen again. I also clarified that it is just as much her responsibility to keep this diary up to date as mine.

Conversation was factual but fair but W really retied to dominate it, talk over me a lot (succeeded a lot actually), but I intervened with 'stop - I have not finished', 'please extend the same courtesy' etc comments. After some haggling we both kind of accepted each others positions but she was escalating no doubt. She then shifted gear and diverted on to a previous spew - about the time the kids were due back the other day - see Hurricane "Drop Off Time". I said, I would not discuss that any more, my point is clear. She spewed and hung up.

She then texted to say "I am never allowed to talk about what hurts or bothers her and it sends up with her being upset" (during our conversation she alluded to being really stressed - I asked why but she would not say; so this again is nonsense). I know now that she is not upset, she is angry (our MC said this to her - she denied it to her many times).

I clarified, "I am not here for your abusive anger anymore. You sacked me as your spouse. As for feelings, try 'talking'; shouting or raging is just abuse - see my point above. Respect gets respect. If you find it hard, try starting with the works "I feel", rather than "You always, You never". Also don't blame me for past events. I don't put up with that anymore. Next time I get any more of this abuse the phone goes down or the door shuts. And not more doing this in front of the kids; you are abusing them with this. All of this behaviour stops.

She then tried projecting this onto me again and I said, "that's just projection. It's abuse. Your attempts to abuse and manipulate need to find a new target. I am not interested in this. Do not text or call me any further about this nonsense."

Hopefully the boundary is clear. Abuse of any form is not tolerated. I will put down the phone or close the door on new if you do it again. I now need to follow this through.

I hope this seems like a reasonable way to handle this. I didn't feel sucked into it, I was tempted to give her a piece of my mind - i.e spew back at one point but, no.

I am starting to like drawing boundaries. Having finished the Verbally Abusive Relationship book I am now reading the boundaries references and book I have kindly been pointed towards. This will be tonight's project.

Got the kids today. Should be with W but she had to go back to work. Fact is this has left me under some pressure with my work. She often does this - makes the holiday work for her so she get me to cover time when she is at work and they are off. I am going to put an end to this soon as it impacts upon my workload - and it feels manipulative. I think it would be best just to say, I will take the first half of any holidays. The only times that are different are where there are birthdays or Christmas involved.

IDK. Work in progress this bit....

I would appreciate any comments.

Surfer.

[Ginger1]

I made a nice reply and lost it. Grrrr.

Short version. I know you feel as if you are being abused and you are trying to stop the cycle. But in my honest opinion, I feel as if the boundary punishes the kids, it's not worth it. I do absolutely 100% agree that she should have let you known in advance. But you can't tell her people need to plan their kids parties around your parenting time. She simply needs to let you know in advanced and if you don't have plans with the kids, then sure, they can go.

I have been at this so long I have learned the difference between being a doormat and doing what's best for my daughter. it did take some time for that line become unfuzzy. The only time I eat sh!t is for my daughter. If "teaching a lesson" to my ex punishes my child, I don't do it. it has worked well for me and has been met nicely, and we came to an agreement on these things.

have you tried nicely to validate, understand that the kids should attend the party, as it is their cousins, but you do need to know xx in advance if it is on your parenting time? And when I told my ex I would extend the same courtesy to him, he couldn't argue.

I've learned boundaires were better set when I was kind but firm and kept the focus on our daughter. If it has anything to do with what I want, he gave a lot of pushback. If it has only to do with our daughter in the conversation, he was more agreeable.

I apologize for the harsh truth, but you can't include yourself at all in those conversations. She doesn't give a crap what works for you or about respecting you. So she may be compliant with your boundaries if you don't make them about you.

My 2 cents.

[Surfer]

Thanks Ginger.

I think you are absolutely right. Kids come first. I did have plans to take them to my parents which I did make clear. However, I have relented and she can pick them up and go. I have made a fairly clear point I think - you don't tell me last minute and I will have the same respect for you.

I am starting to understand boundaries more and get across that Surfer the Whipping Boy left a long time ago. This Surfer is the one who will tell you to stop talking nonsense if you are and will put the phone down and not call you back. Surfer is not chasing and is not your spouse - you sacked him at that so don't expect me to listen to nonsense, manipulation, etc. Not hear for that, like I say that chap left.

As I am starting to enforce boundaries I am feeling much more detach, more confident. More gym, more focus, attention from other ladies. It all helps. I feel I only have things to gain now.

I hope my W now realises that we both need to put things in the diary as soon as we know and if it's too tight to change plans, then it doesn't happen. There will come a time again where she does not plan and I will have to say no. She is sooooo disorganised or perhaps just likes keeping me in the dark. That really pi55es me off as I don't expect a lack of planning on her part to constitute an emergence on mine.

I could say, I want min 2 weeks notice of anything or assume its an automatic no. I have to plan at least 2 weeks head so she needs to also IMHO - not sure how that works. I obviously wouldn't say it like that.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

BTW - sorry you lost your post. I have done that sooooo many times!

[Ginger1]

I could say, I want min 2 weeks notice of anything or assume its an automatic no. I have to plan at least 2 weeks head so she needs to also IMHO - not sure how that works. I obviously wouldn't say it like that.

Surfer.

I have also learned rigidity is met with rigidity. I would suggest whatever you say with "absolutes" you need to be ready to get it right back atcha. You need to do this as if you are living the rest of your life not married, but co-parenting. Say something really great comes up for the kids or even yourself the week before, but YOU implemented the two week rule..... are you fully ready to abide by that? Perhaps youc an place a little flexibility in the above. calling something an "absolute" will also be an absolute for you in return. And life logically doesn't work that way. My ex have a notice rule, but will ask kindly if it could be bent if something comes up in short notice. If it can be, it will be, if can't be, we just deal. We can basically tell if eachother was being inconsiderate or if something really did come up last minute.

All my suggestions are based upon trial an error and what worked and what didn't.

[Surfer]

Thanks .makes perfect sense.

S