2017 - New year - same MLC but I'm moving along

[Irish M]

Ok, I messaged her. I'm going out tonight and wanted to get it off my chest.

I simple wrote.

I'm sorry you felt that way. Relationships change. I'm glad you are seeing a therapist. They do help.

take care.


I didn't expect a response.

Irish, If i stayed in that apartment alone and didn't move in with OM. Would the girls have stayed with me half the time? If I move back and get an apartment. would they see me?

Do you remember when this happened over 10 years ago. I came back. why didn't we see a therapist?

I'm lucky i work for a good company they support me. I'm in a private room emailing you. I am very emotional.

I just want to say that I did love you, very much so.

I think i wont answer that and let it sit with her.

Not sure if this is a hard touch.. but me no like.

[CaliGuy]

Irish

I do not envy you one bit. She is definitely spinning and looking for a "If this happened would I be 'here'" type answer.

Let her sort it out and stew some, its on her to build the bridge with your girls and she knows this ... MLCrs fear rejection and pressure in your case you seem in a great place to avoid both.

Does appear reality has set in and the fog bay be thinning out at the moment.

[Brubeck]

Hey Irish,

I'm a newbie compared to you, so maybe I'm still way off, but I didn't like the texts:

you had every reason to be jealous. I tried to show you my love but I felt you didn't see it. Even though we made love nearly every day and I felt it was not enough.

We should of paid for the best therapist around to deal with the time I left 10 years ago. We didn't discuss it and your jealousy was born.

As for the girls. I didn't want to see them because they disrespected me. Came to my apartment without warning , even though they had a key and rooms there.

I hear a lot of defending / blaming. I don't know the whole history of your sitch, she refers to your jealously twice. I don't know if you did anything wacky out of jealously or something. If not, the phrase "...and your jealously was born" feels like she's pointing a finger at you.

Maybe she's trying to justify what she did, maybe she's truly recalling her steps, thinking "what did I do?" At least she's in therapy.

Everyone's right. Gently validate and back off.

[HaWho]

Irish - hmm, seems like she has a very good therapist that she respects. It sounds like the IC is helping her connect the dots to what happened 10 years ago so that hopefully she figures out those unlearned lessons.

I don't envy her. It must be awful, truly, to wake up to her mess.

Just want you to know I'm thinking of you and your girls.

[bttrfly]

Hey there Irish.

I think you have to take some time to figure out how you really feel here. You've said there's no going back for you. Does that also mean that there's no moving forward in a new relationship with Exw? Our old marriages are dead, so they say. How much of a sounding board do you want to be?

I'm reading a lot of what she's doing and saying. You aren't really talking about what this is stirring up for you personally. Maybe that's a choice. If so, sorry if I'm overstepping.

In the end I think the best you can do is cause no harm. Don't allow yourself to be manipulated. Continue to stay strong and be kind. It isn't your job to fix anything for her. She's gotta put on her big girl pants and fix it herself, as others have said.

Feeling like I'm not much help here ... I have no personal experience to draw on to share. I think Cali would be my lighthouse, were I in your shoes.

{{{{{hugs}}}}}

xoxoxo

[roist]

Irish.

I don't know the ins and outs of your story nor what happened 10 years ago, though I have read along since I moved to the mlc forum. I have not lived your story but of all the stories here I thought that I personally imagined that I would prefer my W to just disappear like yours if we do split. I am sure it was hard initially bit seemed better than constant interactions and change overs. I really felt for your daughters though.

I liked jobs input. You are st this a good while now and I believe you have s good handle on things. I think you are doing good.Maybe I am naive or have not had my.nose rubbed in it yet, but something about your replies does not sit well with me. This is just an impression and nothing concrete.

Maybe having had similar contact from her from time to time, is affecting your response (and naturally so). You come across to me and maybe her as this is just more of the same old shite. Maybe it is, but maybe not. Maybe she does need a hard kick to touch. Only you can decide that, but until then try to empathize more with her. She does "appear" to be falling apart but in s good way. She is hurting, she is lost but more importantly she is facing her demons with professional help. That has got to be tough and probably deeper than she has dug in a long time. So I guess I am repeating what others are saying about validating.

All that being said, this is her mess and you are right to not take ownership of it. I'm not sure I would have used the "as that would be controlling" line. Firstly you have no agenda so nothing to control. I think you are coming across to her, as you don't want to or are unwilling to help. That is not the same thing as it not being your place to do so.

I think in future replies you could state something to the effect: the past cannot be changed and wondering about past what ifs won't change it either. As for the girls, they are old enough now to make their own decisions about their R with W and whereas you are not against her reconnecting with them, it is only her that can make that happen.

Seeing as I have already written more than I intended, I will just add that my outsider view sees much positives and change in her recent communications but as others have observed it is lacking still some deeper components. Maybe they exist already. Some of us are just poor communicators and no WAS will get it right 100% textbook just as no lbs will either.

I know this has to be tough mentally. That is why I took the time to write do much. Bear in mind you have no pressure or obligation to anything including responding to her. Give it some head space but don't let it consume you.

Best wishes

[bttrfly]

Irish - I just realized something! You are about 7 months post final divorce!!! Isn't six months post divorce typically a time when they wake up a bit and realize what they've done? If so, she's on target.

So, again, to my way of thinking, what's important thing here are you and your feelings. What do you want moving forward? You are being kinder than she probably expects, given what she's done, but that's who you are.

I guess I'm ineptly trying to say this: don't cut off. Be protective of yourself and your girls while still having an open heart. Does this make any sense to you? I'm sorry I'm not doing a good job articulating what I mean.

xoxoxo

[Gordie]

I have no advice, only support. Given the h@llish situation, I think you are doing great.

[SBJ]

Irish you have been supportive of me and my situation over the last 7 months and I just want you to know that I am in your corner and thinking of you daily. Stay strong my friend. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

[peacetoday]

I like the way you responded

I think gently validating without any solution is good
because if you get too close or suggest anything close to reconnection
she may bolt

treat her the way of a distant friend