I went LRT before BD #1. I knew something was terribly wrong in my M and the LRT immediately spoke to me. I had been reading the book for a couple of days when I got to that section and I KNEW it was for me. I deployed it immediately and basically told my W I was. I told her "I know you are at a place in your life when you have to make decisions for what is best for and I'm ok with that." She told me "Ya, but you're going to sit around and just be angry and depressed." I told her "I have a choice to make. I can choose to do that or I can choose to not be angry and depressed and instead work on myself. I choose to do that." The look on her face was priceless. She was dumbfounded. Unfortunately, it was only a couple of hours later that I discovered the A from my spying. Has I not found the book and this process, I would have completely lost it. Instead, I was able to remain focused. I had a plan and I was going to stick to it. When it came to BD #2, I filed for D. As it turns out, that is was changed everything around.
I will say that the best thing you can do to save your M, if thats what you want, is to LET HIM GO. Move on and let him see that you are moving on and becoming better without him. If he wants to be a part of your life, he's going to have to up his game and be a better person himself. The ball is now in HIS court.
Keep your responses to him brief. What you are doing when he messages you is exactly what you should be doing. Keep him guessing. Dont let him see that you are hurting.
When I finish this post, I'm going to head over to my thread and post an update because I'm not just right at 1 year since BD #1.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Thanks Bippy78, great advice and sorely needed. Sorry for the late reply but I thought no one was responding to my posts and stopped checking for a few days.
Hi LiM thanks so much for the post. I've been reading your posts and you have been a total inspiration to me - will go and check on your latest one.
Thanks guys. You have no idea how much this support means to me. I feel you are my secret support network because everyone just rolls their eyes when I speak about hoping he will ever come back.
I don't understand - how do I let go if I'm trying to save my marriage? Arent the two mutually exclusive? I am not doing any chasing behaviours whatsoever, and have gone dark since November.
I am trying so very very very hard to let go. He sent me an email yesterday (New Year's Eve - thanks!) to say the marriage was 100% over and all he wanted to ever was discuss where I would live with our son. Devastated. I have been doing the 180 from September to November and moved to LRT when he left me for the OW in November.
When I got the email yesterday, I just sat in bed and cried for ages, fell asleep, and then woke up thinking "if this isn't working, change it."
Am SUPER confused. On the one hand it's called Last Resort Technique - if it hasn't worked then does it mean the last resort is done, it's totally over? I've also been doing the After LRT, where I basically withdraw and don't interact and make him see what he's missing.
On the other hand in DR book Michele says do what works - and the going dark (After LRT) has not worked, he doesn't miss me and seems to have become more firm in his decision to leave. Does this mean I backtrack to the 180? Any advice would be so appreciated!
Sorry for the fragmented posting, but things keep popping into my head and I realised I wasn't clear in describing what I was thinking, about backtracking to the 180.
When I was doing the 180 from Sep to Nov, I didn't know about OW. Rather, I did know there had been an OW but he told me they decided to take a break until we sorted our marriage out. Which was obviously a big fat lie.
In these months (Sep-Nov) he was coming over a few times a week and we were spending time as a family with our son. I mucked up a few times and talked about R stuff, but on the whole it was nice. When I found out OW was still on the scene, I said he had to choose - he chose her. Since his choice, I've gone dark.
It's been 6 weeks of going dark and I've got his email yesterday which says he's confident divorce is the right thing for us and he's definitely not going to go back on this decision (should I give up?). Which makes me feel going dark hasn't worked.
So now I am wondering if I were to back track to the 180, which would be to do this:
- no R talk - no begging/chasing behaviours - agree to respectfully accept his decision to D (he complained I was v disrespectful) - be pleasant, lighthearted around him (have been avoiding all contact with him) - do not avoid him any more. For eg., on the nights he's been picking our son up I've been careful to stay away until bedtime is over, and as soon as I get home he rushes out the door. I am thinking I should do what I was doing in the 180 phase which was to be home prepping dinner (for both of them), being relaxed and happy, but no intiating any conversation - speak when spoken to kind of thing. - make eye contact with him - I haven't been able to look at him in the face. - respond to his texts. Even after he left me for OW he was sending me texts in a very conversational way, like 'Have a good trip', and making jokes about his car etc. - on the whole, just be more present instead of avoiding him completely and withdrawing no contact, and making all contact light and pleasant and innocuous.
I must admit part of the reason I want to do this is because I now feel the going dark has just handed him over on a plate to the OW. He has told me repeatedly that he craves comfort and that is what she gives him. I think by going dark I've just made him rely on her even more. And I must admit it gives me a sneaky pleasure to know that she will be mad as hell if she found out he was texting me in a friendly way.
Any advice would be so appreciated!!! Just tell me as it is - I need to hear it.
Hello,I'm sorry your suffering this,but your in a good place here and there is lots of very wise people who will help you,most of us are going thru or have been thru simler situs,I'm not to good at advice,but it looks to me you need to just let go of the rope,the way he is ATM he won't listen,you can't reason with them,he is probly infatuated with the ow,I'm in the same boat as you,the more you run after him the more he will run away,some times you have to do the opposite of what you want to do,so I agree what the others have said let go,and look after you and your child,don't worry about him let him get on with it,you can't stop him he is only interested in him and his needs,but by letting go he will probly see what he has given up and miss it,then start thinking a bit different,I know its hard but you have to keep your chin up ,this is life these things happen,each day u will get stronger slowly but surely,and the peeps on here will look after you,your in good hands,
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
Thanks for the response and good advice. I was beginning to lose hope a bit.
I acted before I read your post and am not sure how it's panned out. I couldn't sleep very well the night before, kept waking up with panic attacks - that's my sleep now. Panic attack, heart pounding and look over to my sleeping son and it gets worse. So it popped into my head at around 3am to speak to WH and ask him if he would consider spending time with me. Not to come back to the marriage but just spend time with me, to get to know me again. I know - eek!
I decided to do it because I realised the LRT was too much like the version of me he fell out of love with - distant, remote, uninterested. So I've gone back to the 180 and am trying to be loving, gentle and kind. When I spoke to him this morning he was v standoffish and really annoyed, no eye contact, a lot of sighing, said a few times he didn't want to be in the marriage with me anymore. Which hurt but I figured, what did I have to lose? He was getting really annoyed with me so I left to go out while he had our son. I came back at dinner time and he was still standoffish, but said before he left that he would think about what I said.
I feel in my heart that LRT wasn't working, maybe because of who WH is and what our particular issues were, i.e. I wasn't loving. Over the Christmas period when I was properly dark for about 3 weeks if anything his resolve to leave hardened. Because he was able to build on his relationship with OW and she was giving him all he needed emotionally and I was off away in the dark not putting up a fight, being in his head, showing him I was different.
I read somewhere on this forum someone said that LRT was convenient for him because when his wife employed it, it meant his life got easier with no hassle from her and he was getting all his needs met by his OW. That has really resonated with me and I think this is what's happening here. When I was doing the 180 (didn't know OW was in the picture), WH said to me later he was swinging between OW and me and he was slowly coming around to us, but then I found out about OW and issued ultimatum. He chose her. I wonder now if I hadn't if he would have swung more my way.
Go and have a look at some of sandi2 posts and sm34 they have said some very good things that should help you with your sitch
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
