That's me in the spotlight

[Altair]

Agreed. I do live rather close to the medical center, also Lyft and Uber are prevalent and inexpensive. But sure, H can be my backup to my backup.
I just know I've built this fragile wall around myself and do not want to be hurt by H again if I can prevent it.
Being criticized for the way I handled the appointments so far was awful. Second phone call he wasn't as bad "but still upset about the conversation". What does that even mean? (lol, all LBS's nodding heads, yup, no sense-making here)
"we will talk after the new year I just need a bit more time to process things" Didn't (and don't) even know how to respond to that (just glad I made it through Christmas!!!)

[AndrewP]

Altair - I thought I'd pop around with the nutmeg and chicken milk and see how you were doing.

I was reading "your" Wikipedia article just now -
Altair rotates rapidly, with a velocity at the equator of approximately 286 km/s. This is a significant fraction of the star's estimated breakup speed of 400 km/s.
Are you spinning my dear? I suspect so.

Thinking about your "fragile wall" got me thinking about something I wrote here many months ago. I used to joke about "little Timmy falling down the well" whenever I would go into a spiral. Those walls are important and keeping them intact is part of our healing and growth here.

I'm wondering if you changed your communication method you might get a better result with your H. Perhaps instead of calling with updates to your medical issues, writing an email would be better. You can think it through, compose it, perhaps get it proof-read here or elsewhere and then any responses your H makes he can put through the same rigour. What I "saw" in your last exchange was two people who are in very frightening and scary places reacting and feeding off of each other's reactions.

Just a thought.

Here's another big bear hug and I hope you have had a great time in Vegas. ((((Altair))))

[Altair]

AP- because "I" spin so rapidly, my poles are flattened a bit. Figure that one out.
It is a good point about communication forms- and one I haven't resolved at all. Texts, which every one seems to do here with varying degrees of success, turned out to be a disaster. H would misinterpret, see spew and sarcasm where there was none, he also hated emails for some reason. My emails were apparently too long because of my attempts to make sure they were clear-- oh I stopped that at DB pretty much. So I am trying phone calls (well, maybe 6 total in the last seven months if that).
Maybe postal mail is the next shot.
And-perhaps- it doesn't make a difference.
He wants space so desperately that any contact has to be short and to the point. From now on I will revert back to short emails or texts though. (and of course there's the lack of replies, so that is changing my ways)

Trying to be more clear on the phone didn't help. I mean I knew this going in (and read about it here like 6000 times) that he's right where we were in May, with the May-me that he is super mad at for... hmm... causing his depression among many other horrible things I had done for the past five years. Yes, I think that was May.
I can understand lack of time in one place and not in another-- heck, the Altair that we see happened what, 16,000 years ago?

Vegas was fun, in an overstimulating way. Talked to lots of strangers at the tables, just was a basic stranger myself. Observed a LOT of couples holding hands of all ages shapes and sizes. Had a long conversation with a group about how terrified we were about Carrie Fisher's condition-- then, the next morning the tragic news.

So yeah-- new year's. No plans yet-- But I made it through the holidays in one piece so this is icing on the cake.

[d_Rose]

Hi Altair,

No wisdom to add, but am thinking about you and hoping for the best with your health issues. The not knowing is always hard by itself, let alone with the emotional upheaval that is the life of a new LBS. Big hugs to you.

Glad Vegas was at least sunny for you. I live in AZ, and we certainly were having a cold spell last week (50's and cloudy!) Glad to have it is back to 70's and sunny here. Hope wherever home is, it is sunny for you too. It so helps my mood and outlook on things.

Hope you come up with some fun or just relaxing plans for New Years.

[Altair]

Thanks rose!
I appreciate the kind thoughts. No news right now, so just plugging away at work...

[Altair]

OK, 2017 here I come...

I GALed! I GALed and not-Galed. Bailed on two invites yesterday because I felt a bit socially overwhelmed but I found out a person in my group has actually only been here like a year before me so I asked what he and his partner were doing tonight. A group of us are going to have dinner and play board games (and I will leave before 12 to avoid all the drunk drivers).

So yeah, no romantic NYE kiss, but maybe I can feel the pleasure of winning a board game. Or not. These guys are whip-smart and I'm a bit afraid.
As far as NY resolutions, not sure! Just to keep on keeping on being the best and brightest star I can. Here we go!

[job]

Go and have some fun! Be careful...there will be plenty of drunk drivers out there tonight.

I think you've got your NY resolutions already, i.e., just keep on keeping on and being the best and brightest star out there!

Happy New Year!

[Altair]

Happy new year all and job!
I plan to leave around tenish. I don't have to go far, I hope that will be a good time to drive.

[AndrewP]

Enjoy your evening Altair. I'm glad you are not alone and don't under-estimate your skills with board games. I have a roast pork loin almost ready for dinner and it will be just me and the cats tonight. I will miss not watching Dick Clark's "Rockin New Years Eve" which has been a tradition for W and I for many many years. I'd thought about going to visit old friends in Toronto reviving some traditions and making new ones but they don't know that W and I are apart and this wouldn't be the right time to spring that on them.

A dear friend and I are exchanging text messages and pictures of our cats. I told her that my resolution for tonight was not to text W - fingers crossed. An update perhaps in the morning. There are some things I'm trying to work through that I may be consulting the hive-mind about.

Drive safely and have fun.

[Altair]

AP,
post here instead of texting! this seems like an evening for us to ignore them. Speaking of- MIL just texted me a happy new year.
I've spent a bunch of the last ones with her so that's not surprising to get a text.
Maybe I'll ignore it and text her the same as part of the "mysterious package".
Journaling:
Let's see if I can put together some thoughts.
Haven't articulated this yet, but have been thinking. OK, so my H left me, and in the process blamed me for everything. Said he wasn't happy for years. I have done a lot of processing of his words/actions. In my first M breakup, I never acted this way, said any of these things. It's not OK. We can blame MLC/depression, that's fine. But if he is to contact me, this would have to be dealt with at some point. I was abandoned and have rebuilt my life. There'd have to be evidence of dealing with the depression, remorse, what have you. Re-re-invention of history. I can't just openly accept back someone with open arms who treated me like dirt, and threw me in the garbage. I don't know what I will do if he contacts me. At first, I'll just see what he has to say. If its a matter of Plan A didn't work out, and now he's back to me, plan B, no, I won't do it. I've gone on too far down the path of recovery.
If he contacts me and tells me he's with someone, I think I won't stand any longer. I will give up.
If he doesn't contact me for X more number of months, same thing, I think I will email him and ask him to file. We have no children together, so there's no family to break up. Who knows what I will do. We shall see. The holidays were perhaps a wake up call that I should move on fully into my new life. Here I come 2017.